philosophie

new

2012-01-01T21:13:00.002-07:00

happy new year!

2012. our daughter will turn one this year. amazing. and even more so, we will have been parents for one whole year. it's crazy to think about. thrilling to experience.

i am living in the moment. reflection gets in the way when i am experiencing now. the present. every single minute with e.

i am very thankful for my family.

cheers!

2011-12-01T23:27:00.002-07:00

so happy december.

it's a good month - a reflective month.

i look back and i think: this year was amazing. in so many ways.

but mostly in that i am the mother of the most darling little girl on earth. she sleeps through the night. just in time for thanksgiving. and boy were we thankful.

i resolve to blog more so i don't forget this magical time of our lives.

renew

2011-10-07T13:48:00.003-07:00

so funny. typically i think of rejuvenation in the springtime, but down in arizona, fall is completely refreshing.

when the degrees drop things suddenly seem crisper. sharper.

i love it. we are starting the most gorgeous time of year here.

and we wait all summer long for it.

down

2011-07-11T11:24:00.002-07:00

i find that when i have a problem i become obsessed with figuring it out.

i need. to. understand.

i pour over articles. search online. ask everyone. look for clues. that one golden nugget. the answer.

and this time i know i will never find it. and it's killing me.

because nothing, no excuse, no reason, no explanation, no answer, is good enough.

and yet. i keep asking. i keep searching. and i keep spinning.

i know it's not good for me, i know that i am the source of my own downward spiral.

but i can't help it.

there just has to be a way to move forward for me.

sigh

2011-07-08T13:24:00.002-07:00

ugh. definitely not loving my personal life at the moment.

completely, utterly heartbroken.

hopeless.

and i'm only trying to find my way, wherever that might be.

:(

2011-06-20T01:54:00.004-07:00

it must be nice.

to live.

not knowing.

the bad things.

i think i would like to get back to there someday. i don't know whether that means moving forward or moving back.

or both.

but i do know that tonight is the loneliest night i've spent in a very, very long time.

pineapple

2011-06-07T09:51:00.001-07:00

goodness. weeks fly by nowadays.

i'm loving the whole mama thing. it kind of surprises me. i was always the "no i don't need to hold the baby" and "i'm going to teach my kid to make mama a martini" kind of girl.

and yet she has completely changed my world.

but in some ways i am still totally, irreversibly, me.

take this pineapple ring. i am in love with it. i need it. i gotta have it.

practical? no. could scratch baby! but i love it!

one

2011-05-06T09:13:00.005-07:00

dear esme,

inspired by tina fey, starting to write down my thoughts for you.

in your first five weeks, you have completely changed our lives and brought us immense joy.

you are so strong. you lifted your head straight up after a couple of days home from the hospital. i think that will be a recurring theme in your life, as you continue to show signs of amazing strength. the grunts that come from you when you are unhappy. the noises you make to let us know when you are unhappy. the gas smiles. the *real* smiles. your frightened whimper. the coos and sighs. sometimes when you look at me i swear you know me. you despise pooping. and you hate dirty diapers even more (just like mama!). the way you can scream bloody murder and suddenly go straight-faced when there is a nipple in your mouth. i call it your first trick. grin. you definitely dislike being put down. you fight sleep like you fight the swaddle that reigns you in and keeps you from flailing and waking yourself up. you sleep in poses. and your nightmares break my heart.

you make me smile every day.

i love watching you interact with your pop. i can't stop taking pictures of the two of you napping together. already daddy's little girl at five weeks old. we joke about you and pop spending the retirement money while i live in some one-bedroom apartment all alone.

the other day:

h: what should i have her call me? pop or dad?

those questions completely melt me.

thank you for coming into our lives. we are better with you in our world.

lizlemon

2011-05-03T20:27:00.002-07:00

cannot wait to read her book. if only for this prayer. because now i understand:

"THE MOTHER'S PRAYER FOR ITS DAUGHTER"

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered,

May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half

And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her

When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the nearby subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock N’ Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance.

Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes

And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.

Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long,

For Childhood is short -- a Tiger Flower blooming

Magenta for one day --

And Adulthood is long and Dry-Humping in Cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever,

That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers

And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister,

Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends,

For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord,

That I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 a.m., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck.

“My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental note to call me. And she will forget.

But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.

race

2011-05-02T11:29:00.003-07:00

i couldn't help myself. even though 18 months seems far away from now, i bought this for bebe girl:

she's getting a speedster. i love the lines on this toy racer - there was a pink/purple version as well, but it looked juvenile and wasn't nearly as slick-looking. plus, the h and i just aren't into decking her out in girlie girl colors.

i can't wait - it's going to look so sweet in her nursery!

moirae

2011-05-01T22:41:00.002-07:00

hello.

we had "newborn"/family pics taken yesterday by these guys.

i like their style.

turns out, they like ours as well:

Studio Moirae
I am without words when it comes to telling you all about today's baby session. Give me a newborn and a house that has so much style, detail and color, and I'm giddy with excitement! Ok... think back to when you were 7, in school and the recess bell rings.... Thats how I felt! AMAZING session and rad family! Pinch me please! Eeeek!

prior to our session at 11a, i asked how long it would last. forty-five minutes to two hours, depending on how the little one cooperates.

um, yeah. three hours. for us. of course. she is my daughter, you know.

i hope we got some good ones - i'm excited to send out birth announcements!

alphabet

2011-04-23T19:41:00.003-07:00

i just ordered this for bebe's room:

poster of the alphabet in italian - a nod to the hub's background. i'm looking for an ornate wooden frame in gold.

i am SO excited about it! i've been obsessed with e's nursery lately. i just want it to be very, very lovely for her when we transition her to crib (sniff).

black&white

2011-04-21T10:10:00.003-07:00

how delicious:

so modern and fabulous. i want.

e

2011-04-20T12:01:00.002-07:00

23 days.

and every day gets sweeter.

it's silly how in love i am with this precious little girl.

thanks for the lovely thoughts. i'll be back soon.

bebe!

2011-04-19T09:13:00.006-07:00

totally unlike her father or her mother, bebe g came early!

two weeks early.

mere days after my "finishing up the nursery" post, i awoke at 2a on monday with contractions. ouch. i was convinced it was just false labor so i tried to power through for 45 minutes, walking around, changing positions, closing my eyes, hoping for a pass. yeah right. 45 minutes later i woke the husband.

for the next four hours, we labored at home. we timed contractions. we took naps in between. i vividly remember my contractions lasting about a minute and a half and peaking at 45 seconds. each time one started it got worse and worse until i thought i would pass out at 45 seconds, so i made husband help me to each 45, when the contraction would mercifully start to subside.

i took a shower. ate some wheat thins (they don't let you eat once you get to the hospital so i was trying to get some energy in). we called my clinic. they told us to go in anytime (i guess contractions anywhere from 5 - 13 minutes apart is okay). the h packed. he said we should labor at home as much as we could. i told him that if we missed the epidural window he would be severely punished.

our ten minute drive to the hospital was quite the ordeal. i couldn't handle the contractions. arrived around 7:30a. i doubled over at the registration desk and couldn't speak i was crying and in so much pain. they whisked me away to a room, iv'd me up.

a nurse asked if i wanted an epidural. i couldn't say yes fast enough.

an hour later, around 9:30a, the anesthesiologist came in for the epidural. i was completely terrified. they talk you through it but you can't see it so it's doubly scary. but it didn't hurt. everything felt the way he described it.

after the epi kicked in, the h and i napped. for hours. i felt dull contractions, pulsing, like things were happening, but honestly i was so tired that i slept through them.

when the nurse checked in on us at 11:30a, she let me know that i was already 10 cm dilated and ready to push! the hubs, of course, was en route to the car to get his laptop. i'm sure he thought it would be quite a while until the big show. ERT. wrong. she told me we could wait until he got back to begin pushing.

around noon, we did a test push. total weirdness. i could feel sensation, but no pain. therefore, i had absolutely no idea if i was truly pushing or not. i have to admit, in the beginning i wasn't giving it my all. i was scared to tear.

the h came back.

pushing began. during a contraction, i would inhale deeply, then hold my breath and push. counterintuitive because i wanted to breathe through the pushing. right? i pushed until i was red in the face and used my feet/legs as leverage. goodness it was hard, even though it wasn't painful.

an hour and eleven minutes later, approximately 1:11, the doctor told me to look down (read: no way) and bebe girl popped out screaming! they plopped her on my chest and we just stared at her. i cried. the hubs was crying. as soon as i started talking she calmed down. must have recognized mama's voice! hubs cut the umbilical cord and they whisked her away to be cleaned off.

holding her for the first time was the most amazing experience of my life. we made her. and she is the most beautiful thing i have ever seen.

stuff

2011-03-26T20:02:00.006-07:00

so. we're finishing up bebe's room.

this morning i woke up at 7a. suddenly that's not so difficult for me to do. grin. foreshadowing i suppose.

i went to see lili, my favorite aesthetician, to get waxed and pretty. thank goodness for 8:15a saturday appointments!

then i went to ikea, ah-hem, half an hour before they opened. picked up a couple of things for the nursery.

the lamp is for those wee hour feedings. the rug for right in front of the changing dresser. all the diapers we'll be changing! the room is coming together nicely and i think it looks fabulous. i just bought a faux bamboo brass tray for the changing table to keep everything i need close.

and this:

i have had such a thing for elephants lately. weird. hope it's just part of my nesting phase. giggle.

swing

2011-03-21T19:31:00.004-07:00

i hear that babies love swings.

sigh. i don't. i don't like the way baby swings look. shudder. i despise pastels. and soft gooey themes. little lambs. pink butterflies. even the fisher-price zen swing looks ginormous and unappealing to me. i know, i know, it's for the baby. but i'm the one who has to look at it! baby won't even notice! i just don't want to spend money on something that would typically make me barf.

i've been looking and looking for a less offensive swing model for bebe.

and yesterday....ta-dah:

magic. someone awesome had to custom paint and custom reupholster, but at $45? sold.

rain

2011-03-20T22:42:00.002-07:00

a lovely weekend.

on saturday i found myself up at 7:30a feeling super energetic.

i ran down to world market to get baby shower favors. michaels for ribbon. ups to drop off two packages (read: when you register for presents online, you end up sending back a ton of stuff). mcdonalds breakfast (heehee) for the h and me.

the work ladies threw me a lovely shower. we played the jellybean in a bottle game (i lost). diaper on a teddy bear races (i lost). and the candy bar in a diaper game (win!). i suppose i had to attend at least one shower with all the games. it was such a nice time. i was overwhelmed with how women can come together in support. sigh. makes me sniffly because all three showers were such great reminders of how wonderful my friends and family are right now.

such lovely lovelies.

onecm

2011-03-15T19:28:00.004-07:00

um.

supposedly i am 1 centimeter dilated.

[insert silent squeal here]

shhhhh. wouldn't want bebe to know that i am freaking out.

i know that it means i could go in four weeks. or four days. i also know that i need to stay calm. and hydrated. and that it's okay that the baby wipes aren't here yet, neither the stroller nor the carseat in the car. i don't have a breastpump. we haven't had a chance to check out the daycare i want. i still have haircut and wax appointments made. my parents are not flying in until april eighteenth. i have another baby shower this saturday. i have not pre-ordered birth announcements.

sigh. oh well, ready as we'll ever be.

huh

2011-03-13T15:26:00.003-07:00

apparently entering my last couple months of pregnancy isn't making me a better blogger. (sheepish grin).

some niceties from this past week even though i worked like a madwoman:

* i can't wait to meet your baby. i think she's going to be beautiful. (coworker)
* you are one gorgeous pregnant lady. (stranger at walmart, of all places)

some not so nice, courtesy of the h's grandmother:

* why do you have to work so late?
* some women who go back to work after they have a baby end up putting all their paycheck to daycare anyway. or they just work for nicer clothes
* you need to buy dawn/mop/pie dish/roasting pan/measuring cup
* i don't know how to work your can opener. you're going to have to come home over lunch to show me
* long hair is a blessing for a woman, a shame for a man (said to the h - ouch)

it's been a long week. sigh.

sjd

2011-02-10T23:32:00.004-07:00

the h and i are headed to cabo tomorrow morning.

i cannot wait. this week has been brutal.

and the onslaught of the h's family coming to visit us in the upcoming month (!) is unreal:

[we pause the writing of this post to let you know that bebe has hiccups!]

2.17 - 2.21: his brother/sister-in-law + four kids and his sister/brother-in-law
2.20 - 2.27: his mother and her boyfriend
2.28 - 3.15: his grandmother

i wonder if the universe is just trying my patience. preparing me for little one. although i have to admit, i do love playing hostess. i love filling my house with guests.

who knows? all i know is that i need this mini-babymoon.

leave

2011-02-09T20:01:00.001-07:00

at the end of the day yesterday i received some disappointing news.

i guess you never think that you're really going to have to choose between being a mother and having the career that you want.

they tell you that you can have it all.

but in reality, the people that you think are behind you the most, are actually the ones keeping you from getting there.

it's sad really, but i suppose we just reconfigure our expectations and move on.

lemishine

2011-02-07T22:44:00.005-07:00

so there are certain things in our home that drive me bonkers.

for one, our dishwasher.

arizona has hard water. super crazy hard water.

i'm talking, it's embarassing the white residue left on our glasses. after that, even handwashing doesn't take care of it. which drives me even more nuts. we stopped drying in the hopes that would work. nope. now everything comes out residue-y AND wet, so i use the drying rack a lot more. big drips of white come off of everything. it worries me. i don't want bebe ingesting that.

i am determined to find a fix.

enter: this little guy.

i refused to buy it for $17.99 off amazon. i tracked it down at an ace hardware for $5.99. i've heard that it's available at wal-mart for $3, but ace is closer for me.

i am now running it in an empty dishwasher and making a wish.

next home peeve: pigeons on the patio

thx

2011-01-31T22:14:00.002-07:00

the boss told me today, you really are beautiful pregnant, sophie.

what a wonderful thing to hear. unexpected.

and on a monday, of all days. i love compliments. this year, instead of my usual, oh, stop, i'd love to be able to breathe out a sincere thank you.

a world of difference. replying to a true kindness with gratitude. too often i think i brush off nice words instead of acknowledging and responding gracefully. but not this year. i'm growing a little lady and i have to remember to be a lady.

and today, i was exactly that.

thank you.

class

2011-01-26T22:28:00.002-07:00

we have started birthing classes.

what about a three-hour class, for three consecutive weeks, from 6:30 to 9:30p, sounds wrong for pregnant women in their third trimester?

everything.

atlanta

2011-01-24T19:16:00.002-07:00

atlanta last weekend.

it was a whirlwind tour, but i met my girl a to help her look for wedding gowns. she had recently move from mexico city to santiago, chile, and didn't have a strong support of girlfriends built in the city yet.

so a chance work trip to atlanta let me be there for her.

i arrived late on friday night and we woke up to a full day of shopping! we spent a fabulous four hours here. we met lori and monte. a picture was taken. dozens of dresses were tried on. monte twirled a on the runway and all the girls gasped. he said i looked like a rope that swallowed a bowling ball. what a lovely time. those southerners really know how to make a girl feel special. grin.

we were starving after all that shopping. we were directed to a mexican/seafood place but discovered that it was in a strip mall. fast food. a quick yelp search and decided that this place sounded good. we ended up driving out of our way to another strip mall. to another fast food place. hilarious.

hotel. nap. and then to ecco. delightful.

next day, more shopping. time was so short and it was way to cold there, but it was just the girl-time that i needed.

teababy

2011-01-11T19:43:00.003-07:00

i bought my first round of baby clothes!

could you just freak out? i knew when i unleashed, i would go wild. i think we're good for a while now. grin.

past

2011-01-07T22:55:00.004-07:00

i've been having weird dreams lately.

past images coming back to haunt me with different messages. i suppose it's a side effect of the pregnancy, but i can't help but reflect. it's that time of year.

ex boyfriends. footprints stretching out my skin. old i love yous. motorcycle rides with boys. broken promises. fights that never happened. makeups disappeared. i. can't. reach. you.

yet. every morning i wake up.

and i'm glad i'm home.

nye

2010-12-31T22:11:00.004-07:00

new year's eve.

the h and i have been in all day. woke up, made breakfast, and i reorganized the kitchen. grin.

saturday night live marathon on comedy central.

ordering chair pads for tulip arm chairs in this pattern:

aside from the regular goings on, i've been thinking lately. caught in my past, yet learning from it. thankful, so very grateful for where i am now. 2010 has been a year of wonder for me. i got married! i am pregnant! this year was like throwing my head back and laughing into the wind. pure magic. and exceptional experiences. life is sweet.

i only wish for 2011 to be just as full of wonder.

things

2010-12-29T22:00:00.005-07:00

i've been spending furiously lately.

i think i'm in full-on nesting mode, but for every room EXCEPT the nursery. some of my latest splurges:

it's stuff that i never would have considered spending my money on as my younger self. but now i find immense satisfaction in filling our home with beautiful things. things i love. with my love.

pre

2010-12-23T19:51:00.003-07:00

it's the day before my birthday!

so weird. i'm home. alone. the h is in pittsburgh for work. tomorrow i'm off to msp. alone. i hope that the weather goes easy on me. going home. for real.

kind of a bummer that the h is stuck in pa, but i'm determined to have a happy day anyway. grin.

hope you and yours have a wonderful day! xoxo

first

2010-12-22T19:21:00.001-07:00

a letter to my sister-in-law from 9.13.2010:

hi dollface!

we are going for sure. i'm exhausted and feel like crap but we're going. :)

i'm feeling terrible! i know i should feel all blissed out and glowing, but honestly i've had 24/7 morning sickness for the past 5 weeks, and i am sooooo sick of feeling horrible. i found out at about 5 weeks because i was coming home from work and going to bed at 8p. i didn't know why i was so exhausted, and it was about a week before my period was due. h was out of town for work, so i picked up a pregnancy test just to rule it out. it turned positive so fast i almost passed out!! i tried another test in the morning, same thing. eep!! so i told him it might be some kind of fluke/false-positive and i would try again a week later. so a week later i did it again and made him look and he wouldn't tell me what it was (i guess that was our special, stupid way!). so i looked and again, it said "YES" and i almost peed myself again. we weren't exactly trying, we were not not trying, you know? anyway, sheesh. so fast! who knew? i was convinced it would take us two old biddies a while to get it right.

and hell yes, we're going to find out the sex of the baby. you know me. i gotta plan my whole life around this now. :) we won't find out until about 20 weeks, which drives me crazy because i'm only halfway there.

i don't think we're going to move back anytime soon, but i'm hoping my kid won't have to go to school here. :)

but we're excited. i'm just too sick to be too happy about it right now. i bought ginger tea, ginger candy, ginger gum, ginger saltine crackers (those kind of help), ginger cookies, and those dried fruits that always used to make me feel better. but nothing really helps that much and i can barely eat anything but cheerios and fruit. so sad. :( i'm not that hungry either - just nauseous and exhausted. so you can imagine how i feel at work all day. :) bathrooms make me gag on sight. a fruit and yogurt parfait i had from starbucks was the best thing i've ever had a couple of weeks ago. i also flipped out over a bagel with marmalade. i gag/dry-heave all day long. a friend of ours just got married (i mean JUST like three weeks ago) and they are pregnant as well, and i brought over some ginger crackers and candy and she was like "i was sick for like two days in the morning but then nothing since then" and i wanted to punch her and take those ginger crackers back.

i also can't eat and drink in the same meal sitting. it's super annoying. but my stomach gets really upset. i can't stand the taste of plain water, so i have to put lemon, strawberries, or something in it. the fruit water drinks don't help because they taste too syrupy and sweet. i can't eat too much otherwise my stomach gets upset. i can't eat too little because then i'll get even more nauseous and heave more. i can't stay up too late because i'll start feeling SUPER sick and dry-heave my way to sleep (i worked 14 hours last thursday on a business trip and i thought i was going to die i felt so horrible). it's like having the stomach flu for a month.

i make it sound so FABULOUS, don't i? although at our confirmation appointment i got to see the baby's heartbeat and i cried. that was cute i guess.

other than that, no picnic for me even though everyone tells me how worth it everything is. i'm having a hard time right now!! :)

that's probably way more info than you wanted to know, but stay tuned, i'm sure i'll have better updates for you. :)

xxoooxoxoxo can't wait to see you!
sophie

p.s. i could also cry like every other day if i let myself. i feel like i'm constantly on the verge of a breakdown. glamorous.

grump

2010-12-21T21:49:00.004-07:00

i had a great morning that turned into a funk.

argh. i can't tell if i'm just crabby or if i'm unhappy or what. i'm just a little blue i guess.

perhaps i'm in a rut. it's still in the 60s here so i should be able to rock out whenever i want, except one of the things i majorly dislike about the holiday season is the swarms of people at the shops. seriously! last week the h and i were supposed to meet for dinner after a quick bon voyage hh and the instant i turned into the parking lot i knew it was never going to happen. i get panicky and anxious and claustrophobic. and, er, grumpy.

so i guess i feel kind of trapped. in my own home. of my own doing i suppose.

as someone who loves to shop online, have gifts shipped home, wrapped, and shipped to the mother land, i feel wonderful. as someone who likes to window shop occasionally and actually try things on once in a while, i feel completely ripped off.

except look at the deliciousness i managed to snag online (30% off!):

oh please oh please let them fit my prego body. with the loose, baggy trends these days i'm still able to fit into my regular size, with some adjustment layering pieces. joy!

mamamio

2010-12-19T20:45:00.002-07:00

so i'm not entirely sure this works yet, but i'm crossing my fingers:

trust me. the skin is doing weird things. itching. stretching. dry spots. um, i can see INSIDE the belly button. and i have a super innie. hair is growing. i'm lovin' mama mio's tummy rub oil but it gets everywhere, so i put it on after my shower before i step out (slippery!). the rich cream is wonderful. super rich but super absorbent. and the packaging - when i received my congratulations box i almost started crying (note: set doesn't help with emotion-inducing hormone fluctuations).

tabalah

2010-12-16T21:56:00.003-07:00

today i bought this dress (i'm avoiding maternity clothes).

delicious. as i feel more and more like my body doesn't belong to me (and indeed it no longer does), the more i want cover it with pretty things.

nursery

2010-12-15T22:33:00.007-07:00

dude. i hope you like babies because i have complete baby on the brain (i'm talking to you, miss wm!)

i am in middle of figuring out the nursery. once i narrowed it down to the color it was easy. i want neutral, organic bedding. a crib/changer set that isn't too girlie. the h loves that it's not pink. i kind of do too. if i can track down the thomas paul fabric of the pillows i might have the h's mom make us a quilt for baby. fantastic. i am completely in love with this room. it calms me already (i'm thinking i'll need it).

i might need another accent color to keep the room from getting too boring, perhaps an antique gold? too much?

news

2010-12-08T22:45:00.003-07:00

um, i know.

it's been a while.

and i promise i didn't mean to do it. just kind of happened.

quick updates before i resume regular posting:

1. we are pregnant! yes. it was planned. yes. i didn't want to say anything for at least three months. yes. it's been five.
2. we were robbed (quote from flight on the way home from msp: "we really should get a safe or something for all my jewelry.")
3. we went to costa rica for a honey/baby-moon!

okay. that's it. thanks for staying with me.

perseid

2010-08-12T23:23:00.000-07:00

star-gazing in our backyard tonight.

the meteor shower? amazing.

i know, i'm a super nerd. but i like it. the night sky is mesmerizing. and makes you feel very, very small. in a good way.

gidea

2010-08-01T17:30:00.003-07:00

the clouds finally parted.

just returned from a friend's birthday celebration in reno/lake tahoe. ah-may-zing. silver legacy hotel. brew brothers. lake tahoe boat cruise. bbq dinner. wine. fabulous!

but what i'm really excited about?

the dining table i found. and picking up tonight! i've been coveting this table for years. when i was finally ready to buy a dining table (that would seat more than two people), i found out it was discontinued. boo. i started my search for another table i could adore ( know, right? who adores a dining table?!)

i saw it on craigslist earlier this year. i lost out because i didn't want to pay $250 for it and 10 chairs (so, so stupid). it came up again. i sent a note too late and it was already sold. but, third time's the charm! saw it, sent a note, and getting it! the best part is the price she wanted. under one hundred dollars! not to mention that the table has rarely been used and is boxed up from her recent move. perfection!

i want. i need. i bought. i can't wait!

wah

2010-07-25T14:22:00.002-07:00

i have been down lately. not sure if it's hormones or workload or lack of exercise or what.

but it's true.

the husband said to me last night, "you've been a glass half empty person lately, and it doesn't seem like you."

and i know it.

i just can't seem to pull myself out of it. i've been turning to retail therapy. friend therapy. busywork.

the plus side is that this weekend i wrote out all our remaining wedding thank yous, filed all my paperwork, picked up everything i need to finish some birthday favors, reconciled my receipts, and made iced tea. mm!

the downer is that i'm still not me.

hoping that the dark cloud above me passes soon.

bodum

2010-07-19T21:43:00.004-07:00

so....i....

bucked my natural tendencies and bought a toaster yesterday.

um, it's not steel. or white.

it's...

and it's delicious. like, truly, amazing. and gorgeous. and totally clashes with our red laminate cabinets.
SO FABULOUS.

rox

2010-07-18T22:50:00.002-07:00

the husband and i escaped the heat this weekend.

we drove up to flagstaff by way of sedona.

gorgeous. the red rocks of sedona are truly a sight for sore, tired eyes.

we stopped at the cowboy club for lunch. i tried cactus fries. nopalitas cactus. breaded and deep-fried. it didn't help. tasted like soggy green beans cooked in too much vinegar. sigh. i'm glad i tried 'em.

we arrived in flagstaff. the difference in degrees was amazing. brilliant.

for dinner, tinderbox kitchen. jalapeno mac-n-cheese, duck leg confit, garlic crumbs, truffle oil. red wine. delish!

we tried to spot the moon at the lowell observatory (read: i am a night sky freak). cloudy night + sliver of waxing moon = no telescope viewing for sophie. sad. but we did get passes to come up again. and trust me, we will.

it just keeps getting hotter!

acacia

2010-07-07T21:36:00.004-07:00

i miss having a journal.

this fourth of july we were in boston. with family. and it was so lovely.

i am really, truly blessed with a fantastic family and people who love me.

sigh. and massachusetts, even the 'burbs, is gorgeous.

our family dinner reception was a full traditional happy chinese family meal. huge family-style portions, lucky noodles, double happiness, and a tea ceremony.

i know sometimes i complain about my family and all the drama. cousins that never rsvp or send xmas gifts (even during our cousin exchange). uncles that borrow money. aunts who babysit for their grandchildren in lieu of nannies. they can be very, um, new england-like. very country club, we don't tan in the sun, we have summer homes in maine, like. not that there's anything wrong with that. i quite like it, actually. it's just that, well, as a family of five marooned in minnesota, we grew up having our own fun. and our tight-knit family is exactly what i like.

this weekend, however, i was very, very grateful to be surrounded by so much family. wherever they live.

jasmine

2010-06-28T22:42:00.002-07:00

it was a lovely weekend in north carolina.

i arrived early on saturday morning.

after some tea and breakfast, i took a nap.

like, hard. i woke up in a pool of drool (lovely) and feeling like my eyes were crusted together. nahsty.

we took what should have been an hour drive (with my navigation skills and inability to focus) and turned it into a good hour and thirty-five minute tour. but we arrived at cameron village. lunch at cafe carolina (delish!) and a sauvignon blanc later, and i felt recharged.

we walked around and gabbed. it was nice to catch up.

ended the night with this movie. dumb chick flick. but there were definitely some funny moments. light-hearted. perfect.

just like the quick weekend.

nc

2010-06-24T22:48:00.003-07:00

i'm out this weekend.

heading to spring lake, north carolina.

i take the red-eye out tomorrow evening, and i arrive in north carolina on saturday at seven in the wee hours of saturday morning. sigh. already kind of tired even though i am excited for the super short visit. i'm kind of all, what is there to do in fayetteville?

like, time magazine said it was one of the top five places in the u.s. to sell a house? and...? it's america's most pro-military town? and...?

i'm not sure what to expect, and i don't like when i'm unprepared. good heavens, what shall i wear? it's humid and in the nineties (oh perfect). my most-hated weather. escaping the heat for the humidity.

but...i think it will be a lovely weekend.

a couple of days of killing time, catching up, and hopefully some yummy eats.

that's really all i need.

msp

2010-06-15T21:46:00.002-07:00

the thing about minnesota is, well, you gotta grow up there to love it.

we went back this past weekend.

looking forward to an escape from the heat.

except. it went too much the other way. it was rainy. at first, that was nice because the air still smells fresh and clean. but it got gloomy. the sun does a lot for the attitude, and it was missing all weekend.

but, we stayed inside, with family and friends, where it was bright.

i miss minnesota, but sometimes the weather just lets me down.

thank goodness for family and friends. mwah.

j&g

2010-06-05T18:01:00.003-07:00

sigh.

thank goodness the romance isn't dead.

we are going here for date night.

giddy.

wife

2010-05-27T22:00:00.000-07:00

sidebar:
yesterday, when we landed in phoenix, we went to a favorite dinner spot for a quick bite. after egg rolls, tom yum soup, and a curry noodle dish, the boy called a tire place to see if we could get in. when he asked about how long it would take, i heard him say, "i'm just wondering if i should have my wife pick me up later." and it was absolutely fabulous and super weird! how delightful.

mrs

2010-05-26T21:18:00.004-07:00

we did it!

and what. a wonderful. week!

it was seriously so fantastic i want to do it all over again. to be in our favorite holiday spot and share with our family and friends. sigh. it was amazing. and worth every breakdown, every tear, and every penny.

when i thought about my wedding, all i could think about was the favors, the menus, the paper fans at the ceremony, the program, the centerpieces, my bouquet, my hair, his socks, my makeup, his cufflinks, the father/daughter dance song, the wedding cake, the shot list, the table runners, the welcome bags, the family dinner, and all the rest of the details.

i forgot to think about what my father would look like seeing sea lions up close on a boat tour of land's end, the smiles on the girls when i tried to name who brought my each pair of underwear and forced to chew a piece of gum for each fail (read: i was up to, like, ten pieces), watching my brothers during their readings, yoga with my mom and brother, hearing our event planner telling us about how few weddings touch her heart, winking at beloved friends during the ceremony, clinking margaritas, singing karaoke at miguel loco's, dirty dancing at cabo wabo, friends telling you over and over how beautiful you look, watching the husband and his friend get knocked over by a huge wave in a cove, seeing my family's sunburns, having lobster at edith's, the wave knocking over half the tables at the dinner reception, and the tears on the bf's face while i walked down the aisle.

i know now why they say that all the details don't really matter.

because they don't. the big stuff does. our family and friends. sharing our moment. absolute perfection in imperfection.

i'll never forget it.

we are blessed.

and this is our happily ever after.

off

2010-05-18T16:53:00.002-07:00

we leave tomorrow!

cabo or bust! :)

y

2010-05-16T18:50:00.001-07:00

i am trying not to lose it. i really want to keep it together this week. i really need this.

i went to the dentist this morning - regular cleaning but for the past three days my teeth and gums have been throbbing like holy h. no cavities. but because i have severe allergies here, i have been breathing out of my mouth while sleeping. hear? i am a mouth-breather.

so now, i can either try try try to control my allergies (it hasn't worked for 32 years, why would it work now?) or put vaseline on my gums at night (ew). yippee!

also, my mom has decided that this is the BEST time to ask me for our resort information as all of a sudden her friend's daughter also wants to plan her wedding in cabo. wtf? now?! why can't she let me have this moment?! all i ask is for. one. week.

plus, there is a last minute guest that is still UNDECIDED. listen lady, if you are undecided four days before the wedding, please don't make my life miserable by coming so that i have to freak out about place settings and placecards and upping the guest list. please. don't. attend.

argh.

all

2010-05-14T23:46:00.000-07:00

today, it's simple.

i am deeply grateful.

/\/

2010-05-13T21:07:00.004-07:00

i am remembering you tonight.

you told me you started the night we met and never stopped.

you say that to all the girls.

and i loved your words. you begged my coworker to introduce us. i received a random email introduction. i spotted you in the office one day.

you. have. a way. with words.

i do love the way you spin me so that i am surrounded by words that make me swoon. i fell in love with the things that you would tell me. say to me. write to me. and in return you were rebuffed and rejected. i soaked in the power. took baths in it. with you i felt a million feet tall. super.

and yet. i never felt that spark with you. the thing i know you're supposed to have but we didn't. i let my guard down for a moment because i loved the way you love me, not the way i liked you back.

one time you asked me to marry you. over the phone. i thought it was so lame at the time, so silly. how was i supposed to take you seriously when you couldn't even look me in the eye and ask me? you had a plan. you would drop everything and we would be together, if i would. just. give you. a chance.

i regret the way it went down. and i regret the hurt i caused. but i don't regret the decision i made. not for a moment.

dis

2010-05-05T22:20:00.004-07:00

what people don't tell you about planning a wedding is the unhappiness you will inevitably encounter along the way.

don't get me wrong, planning a wedding can be blissful, and fun, and surreal. and totally girlie.

all things that i love.

it can also be a major exercise in disappointment.

like it or not, there will be people who will not rsvp by the date requested, some not at all. not ever. some people will not respond to your follow-up call/email/text. people will not send in their rsvp even if a follow-up is made. even if it is specifically requested. there will be unknowns. great friends will miss your wedding. and you will unfairly place blame. and you will feel sad. and disappointment. and regret.

hey, it is an emotional time. and boy, is it an emotional ride. it's super high highs, to fantastic zen moments, to uncharacteristically low lows. it spans the spectrum of everything you can think of in feelings.

i'd like to think that it's the feelings that stay with you. the good ones. the ones where you realize that even though everything isn't working out the way you want it to, it is working out the way it supposed to be.

so you let go. and release. and give the negative energy away.

you+me

2010-05-01T17:21:00.002-07:00

and it's may day!!

i don't even know if that's one word. grin.

it's the final month of our engagement. and i'm reflective today. it certainly has been a whirlwind of emotions. don't get me wrong. our engagement has been full high highs and extremely low lows. i thought that spinning myself a web of wedding would keep me safe. and keep me sane. by keeping the bf away.

but i forgot that the wedding is about two people. not all our guests. certainly not only about me, although the jokes about my wedding never get old. it's about the bf and me. you + me. we always said that no matter what, at the end of the day, it is just you and me. getting through it all together.

and no matter what communication breakdowns we endure, no matter what disagreements we have, no matter how many concessions and compromises we make, we will always have each other.

and that's what matters.

balloon

2010-05-01T09:27:00.001-07:00

i'm in LOVE with these chairs:

why do they have to be so crazy expensive? i am looking for other options.

bachelorette

2010-04-27T21:02:00.004-07:00

goodness! the days are just flying by.

this weekend was my time with the girls!

and it was lovely. i treated myself with a stay at this place. and it was totally worth it.

saturday

noon: the dress fitting.

afterward, a small group at salut for a late lunch.

six: the girls at beaujo's.

delightful! e did an amazing job with the decor, the champagne, and the favors. how fun! i love the little touches - i feel like they completely make the event!

kudos, my dear, kudos.

dinner was lovely; then out to king's, and closed down nye's. the girls sang chapel of love and it was ador-able. we sang and sang. i tried to take some dude's shirt off because i thought he wasn't straight and he was from california. i tried to convince him he was my bachelorette present from the girls. no-go. wink!

it was truly an unforgettable night for me. i feel lucky to have such wonderful, gorgeous friends.

mwah. you know who you are.

heart

2010-04-17T23:51:00.001-07:00

i feel very lucky to be with him.

there is so much love in this house.

and i have to keep reminding myself that at the end of the day,

at least we have that.

foo

2010-04-16T20:34:00.004-07:00

i must share this with you.

i have been looking for foo dogs for at least one and a half years now.

at first, i wanted white. i knew i didn't want the turquoise blue that everyone else had. i found red/orange ones on cb2 that i adored, but couldn't fit in our decor.

but i thought i would have to settle for them anyway. i liked them, i just didn't want to hop on the bandwagon.

and then...just a couple of weeks ago, i didn't have to.

they look pale yellow, but they're not. they are a fabulous primary yellow. perfect height.

and all for $24.99. thanks to target. somebody stop me!

villa

2010-04-14T23:03:00.002-07:00

i've been to san francisco for work three out of the past four weeks.

and i am exhausted.

but last night i stayed here.

and it felt a teeny, weeny bit like a holiday.

sketch

2010-04-10T19:12:00.000-07:00

i adore this bedding:

simply gorgeous.

deets

2010-04-09T20:28:00.004-07:00

i know you're sick of the wedding gabber, but i thought of a FUN idea yesterday when i was perusing through etsy (it has been an absolute lifesaver).

here's the situation. our resort events manager likes to charge us. a lot. for everything. so when she quoted $50 - $150 per tablecloth (i need 12 - 14), i was all, uh-uh (waving finger back and forth), i don't think so.

i dream of black and white striped tablecloths.

but apparently no one else does.

so, i went on etsy. i am going to get plain white tablecloths (14 for $100 on ebay, thank you very much), and get table runners in these patterns:

fabulous!

she also tried to charge me $180 per centerpiece, when all i really want are peonies in a black square vase.

so, i bought 14 matte black ceramic square vases for $117 (including shipping!) and will be shipping them down.

anyway, here's the fun idea:

getting these for fun photos! :)

sir

2010-04-08T23:18:00.003-07:00

last week i went to sfo for a quick awards ceremony.

who knew they gave out awards for video games? (answer: darling, they give out awards for everything)

o. blink blink. i like it!

two dirty martinis at the sir francis drake boutique hotel.

um. i love it!

i also really like huge chandeliers (that's what she said).

blueprint

2010-03-28T10:12:00.003-07:00

i have a complete nerd-on for this vacuum:

is it not gorgeousness?

oh, and it will help me keep this house clean?

while looking effing fabulous?!

yes please.

garla

2010-03-27T12:35:00.005-07:00

so, um, the liberty of london line at target is driving me bonkers!

so many patterns. so many colors. so, so pretty.

we recently bought a second guest bed, and i wanted to buy a liberty of london quilt. overwhelming. it is so difficult to choose! does that look like...peacock feathers? floral print is beautiful but will i get bored? what color palette will work the best?

my match is: garla.
you're fashionable and classy, but with an intriguing combination of order, sophistication and letting your hair down.

and if all of this praise makes you just a titch uneasy, that's just you being garla—and charming.

take your patternality test!

chillax

2010-03-15T20:20:00.002-07:00

so, i promised myself that i would get a massage every month leading up to the wedding.

i missed february because it whooshed by. (so insane! we moved! we had houseguests! work was a rat bastard!)

and i really wish i would have gotten one in. neglecting my need for zen. very. bad. idea. it's hard to put things in perspective when your body is tense and your mind is racing.

but, it's a new month. and it too is creeping past.

i must make an appointment. [reaching for phone...]

slipper

2010-03-11T22:29:00.002-07:00

aaaaand the shoes...

i have been searching for the right pair of hot pink shoes and i finally found them. score.

and...check

rr

2010-03-02T23:51:00.002-07:00

dude.

i found my "rehearsal" dinner dress. we're not actually having a rehearsal because we will not have a wedding party, but i still wanted a family dinner the night before the big day.

at first i ordered it in an xxs. i don't know what i was thinking. dresses shouldn't hurt when you try to get them on. they definitely shouldn't stay on when you try to pull them off. a dislocated shoulder and fabric burns probably isn't a good sign.

i almost called the bf home from a business dinner to help (read: cut) me out of the dress, but inch by inch i pulled it over my head. stupid fat shoulder blades. grin. exchange!

march

2010-03-01T23:31:00.002-07:00

march is going to be busy for us.

this weekend? cabo

next weekend? houseguests + housewarming

third weekend? nothing yet - thank goodness!

last weekend? bf's sister + friend staying

i'm already tired! but this month will be full of friends and family. and i like that. mwah.

inlaws

2010-02-27T22:36:00.002-07:00

whew. what a week.

tonight is our first night alone in our new house since we moved in last saturday.

that's right.

the MIL and her bf came to stay with us, starting from friday night.

here are some things i just want to get out in the open, even though i claim to be over it:

1. please don't go into an empty guest room, grab a white bath mat off the floor, and use it as a doormat
2. why would you remove the child-proof locks from the cabinets under the kitchen sink?
3. i get that you're on vacation, but please try not to rub in my face how you've gotten to try the spa and outdoor fireplace before we do
4. don't. touch. my. stuff
5. i don't expect you to do my laundry, but when you run your swimsuit in the dryer and don't ask if there is anything else we have to throw in there, i will get angry
6. go ahead. fill our fridge with your favorite foods and drink
7. park your car in the carport. it is obviously more important than mine
8. leave food on the counter. there are no bugs or varmints in arizona
9. i understand that you were thinking of us when you bought two patio chairs. i just i could have picked them out
10. i thought it was just normal courtesy to ask before mounting speaker shelves on the wall

goodness. so glad to have our home back.

move

2010-02-19T17:18:00.003-07:00

we are moving today.

it's a lot of work to move. and we don't even have that much stuff! it's just hard to get everything organized enough to move. i'm one of those people that really like to box and label. purge and pack. stack and admire.

it's a beautiful thing when i have time to do it.

the bf, however, likes to do it a different way.

different in that he has no method. and that kind of drives me crazy. as you know, i am *somewhat* of a control freak.

it's going to be a long night.

ruffle

2010-02-18T20:52:00.002-07:00

so this is not my wedding dress, but i still think it is delicious.

yummy. big fan of short dresses. when you're a shrimp with hips, like me, you need to wear a dress and not have it wear you. i think this does it perfectly. so what if it costs twice as much as my actual wedding dress? it is quite the confection.

xoxo

2010-02-15T21:39:00.005-07:00

hope you had a wonderful valentine's day.

the bf and i were flying back from a family-filled weekend in minnesota.

exhausted. emotional.

upon landing, we drove to the grocery store to pick up some items for dinner. we roasted baby red potatoes and called it a meal.

just another day.

and then he gave me this:

now, if you've read my blog at all you know that the bf doesn't like to buy jewelry. moreover, he hates tiffany & co. so i know it took a lot for him to buy it. he also hates valentine's day. with a passion. he must love me a lot. grin.

happy heart. day.

rah

2010-02-10T21:12:00.002-07:00

what a week.

thank goodness for thursdays.

it's been a really rough couple of days for me. i don't know what is up (full moon?), but things have been very difficult. i feel sensitive. emotional. and a little bit unstable. things with the bf have been disconnected. we haven't really had a good conversation in a while. constant fighting about the wedding.

it's unreal. i'm exhausted.

i'm hoping next i will be back on track.

neighbor

2010-02-06T17:17:00.002-07:00

oh dear.

i really, really, hate our upstairs neighbors. they are so loud and disrespectful. i can't stand that even though we have called property management endless times, i've documented the times that i've heard him over a particularly anger-fueled weekend, and a proposed mediation meeting by management, they still doesn't get it.

i hate living on the ground level. two years ago when we moved in the bf and i were thinking "temporary situation." the ground floor apartment was to help in moving furniture in (read: no elevators). two years later, and life just caught up with us. stuck.

but today, today, while taking a lovely saturday afternoon nap and being woken up again by them, i was filled with rage yet again.

stupid loud walkers and bouncey dog.

argh. get me out of here!

sunday

2010-01-31T12:14:00.001-07:00

good sunday.

a hot cup of jasmine tea.

and the ny times modern love column.

blissful. and one of my favorite ways to start the day.

swim

2010-01-30T10:14:00.003-07:00

i have a sickness. i keep buying j.crew swimwear like that's all i'm going to wear in mexico.

so pretty. and i'll vouch for the way they fit. with j.crew it doesn't matter that i'm flat on top and curvier on bottom. eep!

shoulder

2010-01-26T22:56:00.001-07:00

so, i LOVE this top:

i want. i need. i have to have her.

capella

2010-01-23T21:45:00.002-07:00

we got it!

our wedding ceremony will be here.

and i am SO ecstatic about it.

[happy]

earll

2010-01-22T23:56:00.003-07:00

the bf made an offer to rent a home in scottsdale.

and we got it!

so...as if i didn't have enough to do, we are also moving.

here:

built in the sixties. remodeled with a modern aesthetic. three bedroom. three bath. pool + spa. what's not to love about it?

i hope we get to move in real soon.

turkey

2010-01-21T20:24:00.003-07:00

i bought this last night:

deliciousness!

on another note, the bf picked up groceries the other night. i was nervous because i like certain foods and certain brands. i told him we needed zucchini, squash, tomatoes, special k, and...healthy choice frozen entrees (i've started to bring these to work and find that they work really well, even if nutritionally and tastefully unsatisfying. i like pizza, butternut squash ravioli, and the new asian-style steamers they make. but the bf, well, he picked out honey ginger chicken, marsala penne, and turkey medallions. turkey medallions? who buys those frozen food-style?

i laughed.

and brought it to work for lunch on tuesday. as luck would have it, i went out to lunch that day. on wednesday, i went to the lunch room freezer to pull out the turkey medallions.

and you will never guess.

it was gone! nowhere to be found. someone had stolen my healthy choice turkey medallions. and ate it for lunch.

i almost cried i laughed so hard.

5

2010-01-19T23:19:00.002-07:00

today i was ranting and raving as i left work...

drove 10 minutes to this place.

my friend s was waiting with open arms and a glass of wine. sigh.

a sip of tempranillo later, i was feeling much more relaxed.

after bruschetta with mascarpone, figs, proscuitto, and tomato jam, i was certainly there.

good girl chat night. i need those more often.

rent

2010-01-17T18:05:00.004-07:00

so we're looking at homes to rent in scottsdale/phoenix.

sigh. what a nightmare.

we've been looking and looking - mostly sporadically. in spurts. we'll get really excited about a property and something will happen. and we will miss the opportunity. we found one magical place that had everything we ever wanted: pool, garage, modern. we made an offer. no go. why? because the owners wanted to see if it would sell before committing to a lease option. then why give that as an option in the first place?!

then we found another place that fit the bill. not exactly but close enough. it was all white. it was built in the seventies. we're talking lucite handles in the kitchen seventies. but still, we made an offer ($150 less than the asking price per month). the owners countered. with what? the asking price. wtf?

last thursday i found something in a great location. it has a pool. no garage. built in the sixties but 90% remodeled. i sent an email inquiry, and we haven't heard back yet. are there any real estate agents who want to work in this town? we're crossing our fingers on this one though. third time's the charm, right?

right?! oh dear lord let's hope so.

elum

2010-01-16T13:43:00.006-07:00

sorry to be so wedding-focused but i ordered our invitations today!

i am SO happy about that.

another thing checked off our list!

in the shop today, we picked out the suite, colors, and language. i am absolutely giddy about what we chose. you see, i'm a paper freak. like, freak. i'm the girl that could spend hours just feeling paper. touching letterpress. choosing colors. matching envelopes. sigh. so lovely.

anyway, it's all set. we still have to nail down details (oh, like resort and time) but i'm not worried.

white letterpressed invitations with black ink. the hot pink? a super slim ribbon to tie it all together. like, wow.

and the stamps?

i'm considering:

a little andy warhol. a little bit fun. and a lot of personality. it's too much!

cinderella

2010-01-15T09:09:00.002-07:00

is it just me or are these the most beautiful shoes?

for our wedding?

black. white. pink. my dream wedding colors. i'm working hard to make that come true. i just want to make sure that the shoe will work and not be obnoxious. i'm worried the hot pink is too, well, hot. it's a $300 gamble i don't know if i'm willing to make.

kate spade. drool.

regency

2010-01-14T19:19:00.003-07:00

i walked into target tonight to pick up my allergy medication (see previous post).

while waiting for my rx to fill, i strolled the aisles.

i usually turn down the trend section and glimpse, but this time:

hollywood regency at target? adore.

ent

2010-01-13T18:12:00.002-07:00

my nose.

has been killing me lately. i don't know if it's the change in season or wind blowing or what.

but my nose just keeps running. running. running.

i can't sleep. i can't stay still. i can't breathe. i am super uncomfortable.

and yet. i'm not sick. just delicious allergies striking again.

i am a lifelong sufferer of allergies. all kinds. pollen. pet dander. dust. mold. all the things that are super difficult to control. i have purchased air purifiers. humidifiers. allergen-blocking pillow cases. mattress covers.

i take nasonex in the morning. astelin at night.

argh. stupid nose.

valleyho

2010-01-12T20:02:00.003-07:00

sorry so long since i last wrote.

i've been caught up with life. but we all know that's not a good excuse.

this past weekend some friends from chicago came for an impromptu visit.

i love having people over. i think i will love having people over more when we move into a house.

when the boys went to play golf on saturday, the girls got to go here:

bliss. if i could offer any advice for wedding planning, it would be to schedule spa visits. at least monthly.

sigh.

dinnerware

2010-01-02T10:00:00.003-07:00

so i really like this whole idea of registering:

i know the two dinnerware sets above are similar - i'm just having a hard time deciding. the portmeirion set can only be found in the uk, but the eva zeisel is expensive. what to do..what to do...

the bf is no help. surprise. :)

2010

2010-01-01T10:01:00.002-07:00

happy new year!

i am so ready to put 2009 away.

i think 2010 will be a very good year.

good thoughts. good cheers. good love.

dress

2009-12-26T23:54:00.002-07:00

we went dress shopping today.

i. love. my. dress.

i knew it was mine the minute i put it on. i almost burst into tears when i opened the dressing room door and stepped out onto the platform.

my mom. his mom. his sister. friend e.

i knew. it just. felt. perfect.

a beautiful gift from my mom. it makes me so happy thinking about it.

such a happy day. merry xmas.

gma

2009-12-17T22:29:00.001-07:00

i still miss her.

every day.

po po

2009-12-10T20:59:00.004-07:00

i flew to boston on tuesday morning.

my grandmother. my mom's mom. had a stroke and a heart attack last friday.

on sunday my parents flew out to boston.

on monday everything was supposed to be fine. no longer life-threatening.

by monday evening my brothers and i were told to get on planes asap.

i had a dream about her that night. we were shopping and walking hand in hand. i told her in chinese, you are a beauty queen, right? she nodded yes. and smiled that smile of hers.

when i arrived, a cab took me straight to the hospital.

i saw her in bed. she was hooked up. as expected. but when they called to her, and told her i was there, she opened her eyes. she saw me. i smiled at her and said hello. she tried to speak but couldn't. i showed her my engagement ring and her eyes smiled at me. i told her i loved her. and i said bye bye.

my grandmother. her skin is so beautiful. i learned that she only went to school through the third grade. and she tried to give my mom everything she wanted, even if they couldn't afford it. she made amazing wheel pillows. with so many colors. she was always smiling and shaking her head at our silliness. she was stern with us when we were younger. i remember always, always, how lovely she smelled. light and fresh and clean. no pretension. just real grandmother. she loved game shows and gambling. my mom would take bus rides to mystic lake casino with her. my grandmother has the softest hands. such a lovely lady.

i told her i love you. i told her i will remember you.

yes!!!

2009-12-06T21:21:00.002-07:00

he finally did it.

finally bit the bullet.

we hiked (to the top of a mountain!) where he proposed.

on this day, we met. seven years ago.

not being big on anniversaries, i didn't give it another thought, like most years.

but this day, this seventh year, was different.

we sat at the top and watched the planes take off from the airport. caught the sun rays.

we had started talking about my birthday present. i, of course, was rambling off about my favorite subject: me.

and he said, "i already got you a present."

pulled out the ring.

beautiful.

i was stunned. taken aback. and speechless.

it was the perfect day. the perfect way. and perfectly us.

celebrate

2009-12-04T22:17:00.003-07:00

a december birthday celebration tomorrow.

i get to wear this:

and i made centerpieces. orchids in tall cylinder vases with black river stones. black candle trays with seashells and tea lights. menu cards to list out the greek food: spanakopita. hummus. gyro. souvlaki. white tablecloths.

so delicious.

12

2009-12-01T23:53:00.003-07:00

happy december.

i am looking forward to the end of this year.

2010.

positive.

close

2009-11-30T21:52:00.003-07:00

and so goes another month.

last week when i was back in minnesota, i went to a delightful little bar.

we made friends with the host.

his last name rang familiar. we asked about it. we asked about a man with the same last name. he said it was his brother.

a flood of memories. a redhead who used to tell me stories. wonderful little stories spun around a princess. the princess was always named sophie. and i loved every minute of every story. i used to beg for them daily, hoping to find one in my inbox, waiting for me like a little present.

he sent me notes like this:

don't tease him with your beauty. be generous.
I'm going to see my dad in the hospital right now. his heart is skipping beats.
kinda like me with you.

and i treasured every single one. until the stories turned into something else. and the stories that once made me so giggly and giddy turned just ever-so-slightly un-lovely. it happened so fast and one night when we were out and about and drinking guinness in irish pubs and racing down grand avenue in search of a ladies room, it got worse. spiraled. shattered. and it wasn't quite ever the same.

i should have known it wouldn't last.

i just didn't want to see it.

a little part of me still doesn't.

thxful

2009-11-26T09:36:00.003-07:00

today i am thankful for many things.

mostly, i am thankful for the spa sampler package at hotel valley ho.

i am also giving thanks for my family. my friends. the sun. palm trees in november. my job. flight benefits. holiday cards. facebook. phone calls. cuddling. kleenex. my mom's text messages. white. holidays. hendrick's gin. cucumber water. strawberries. crabtree and evelyn's source hand treatment. ice cream. the bf. pink. peonies. newborns. my big, black ruffle skirt. j.crew tees. black. giggles. bubbly. pinot noir. bread. cheese. holding hands. tummy rubs. dermalogica moisturizer. dailycandy. love.

today

2009-11-24T22:02:00.000-07:00

one more picture post:

that's all.

thx

2009-11-23T22:55:00.001-07:00

it's all about balance.

somedays i have it. most days not.

but today, was lovely.

there is something about the short thanksgiving week that makes people work a little slower. a little less crazy.

i like it.

after work i made goop's tortilla espanola. mmm. potatoes onions eggs.

sigh. i love the days when i'm not so fried after work that i can actually cook.

it's blissful. and i'm thankful.