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remember in office space when consultants were brought in to make the place better?
is this good for the company?
i sat at my rescheduled interview and when she said, "imagine you are leading this company...
what two things would you change first?"
i smiled.
and immediately said: "i would put project management processes in place."
"and?"
i grinned and said: "i would give myself an office!"
after our interview, she asked me if i was familiar with the artist modigliani.
i said no, why?
she told me that i could be one of his models, and that one of her favorite pieces is a modigliani.
so i looked him up:
sh*t.
i am sad that i always mistake your intentions.
i should know by now that you only want me to be happy.
and that you care about me more than i could ever know or you would ever tell me.
i hope you know i feel the same way.
about you.
wherever we go, i will be happy if you are with me.
spur of the moment trip to duluth this weekend.
i heart visiting the bf's 'rents.
it is a very relaxing time for me, much like going to my 'rents house is relaxing for the bf.
we drove up on friday evening, after my date with nell.
saturday we walked on lake superior.
walked. on. lake. superior.
it was freaky, but so much fun!
saturday night we had dinner at sammy's. i hear you are not supposed to slam sammy's, but i have had much better pizza. like way better. like frozen tombstone minis better.
we took lots of naps. we made sandwiches. we played skip-bo.
and i loved it all.
i just ate a full snickers bar.
and it was a surprise to me, but...
i am completely satisfied.
i don't usually crave chocolate.
today has been a snickers day: gooey, nutty, and wholly satisfying.
but enough with analogies.
this weekend, i am off. i do not have to work at the shop. i have no plans. i am completely open.
how lovely is that?
oh, i could have solid plans, i could say yes to outings, but really, i don't feel the desire. i want to do nothing this weekend, save maybe spring cleaning.
purge purge purge!
i shed layers, both emotionally and physically (eww, gross). i always have a goodwill bag, and i love dropping it off.
i feel a deep sense of satisfaction when i do that.
oh yes -- i have come full circle with the snickers.
i am going to la bodega tonight.
i want a drink.
or five.
but i will think of you.
there is a corner of my desk that continually escapes my peripheral vision.
therefore, i crash into it. several times a day.
grimace.
a lovely bruise has resulted.
and instead of giving it a chance to heal, the bf bumps into it at night.
it has been one of those days.
hopelessly bruised.
we are going on holiday next thursday.
destination to be determined.
my capricorn side is rebelling, albeit somewhat sated, by pre-holiday prepping. a la waxing and essentials shopping. i subscribe to the 'shopping for holiday' mentality, meaning that i shop for essentials before i leave to curb my desire for shopping upon arrival.
on thursday i have a visit with nell for some girlie waxing.
this weekend, i am off to search for perfect head scarves, skinny, but long enough to double up. in pretty spring patterns.
also, if i happen upon some beachy sandals or a smashing bikini, so be it. this betsey johnson is to die for:
next tuesday i have an eyebrow wax scheduled.
and then, i will be ready to go.
i am going on holiday.
[cut to chicken dancing and wild arm swinging]
had a lady lunch with j today.
macy's skybar.
mmm. salad any way i like it.
today, that meant spinach, soybeans, cheese, mushrooms, cherry tomatoes, egg, sunflower seeds, broccoli, and french dressing. with a biscuit and some soba noodles.
lovely.
she spoke of marriage and how hers might be breaking.
she asked me what i think marriage will get me, because ultimately, the ring, the wedding, none of it will give me security, if that's what i need. marriage doesn't guarantee a re-prioritization. marriage doesn't automatically make you love someone longer. it doesn't make your relationship easier. marriage doesn't even have to mean that you will always be the one. because marriage sometimes doesn't last forever.
blink. blink.
and you know what? she's right. the only thing i want and the only thing i need, i have.
the bf, with me, to want to be with me.
proof on msn.com that the bf* has been basking in someone else's sun...
i sent this image to the bf, and he said, 'my beard comes in more even, less patchy.'
that is not a denial!
*actual size of nose and adam's apple not shown.
i love love love having dinner with girlfriends.
miss e and i went to gigi's last night.
pizza and a bottle of syrah for $20.
can't beat that. and it didn't beat us, either.
we finished off the bottle and solved the world's problems.
well, our problems, in our worlds.
we talked about our frustrations with work. over it.
how we dream about loving what we do. someday.
she spoke of wanting a boyfriend.
if there ever was a girl who deserved to be loved by someone, it is miss e.
i tell her to go out and meet people. to leave her job at a decent time.
i have hooked her up on blind dates. i have gone hooking with her.
unbeknownst to her, i set up her myspace page. i have written her match.com profile.
i take phone numbers for her. i sell her attributes to guys i think are e-worthy.
and yet.
how can a beautiful, smart girl with a yearning for fairy tales not find one?
she gave up dessert for lent. i gave up potbelly oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.
so i had a coconut toffee bar. right in front of her. and savored every. last. bite.
i am such a good friend.
i am trying really hard to find something positive to say about today.
it has been a rough one for me, mostly professionally.
but there has to be something wonderful about today.
like the fact that the bf would drop anything to make me feel better.
and...well, that's about it.
late last night the bf and i pinkie swore that we would never cheat.
as far as promises go, pinkie swears are rock solid, right?
right?!
the hardest part about making a mistake is not the fact that you have to live with yourself.
that can be reconciled.
the worst thing about letting your emotions run away with you is not that you will have betrayed the one person you were supposed to love the most.
hurt fades after a while.
the absolute heartbreak of it all is knowing that he will never look at you the way he did before.
ever.
you will spend the rest of your relationship trying to make up for something that will never be forgiven.
and nothing will be the same.
i fell asleep next to the bf with knotted stomach.
it's funny how you can feel close to someone who is not in the same bed with you.
it is conversely interesting how you can sleep close to someone and still feel miles apart.
...
proud new parent sophie
is delighted to announce the birth of
betty
March 10, 2007
weight: 3307 lbs.
height: 57.9 inches
odometer: 8 miles
black, black, black as night all over.
just like her mama.
last night our agency hosted an affair.
it was lovely. i learned how to flamenco. tapas from solera. sangria from heaven.
the flamenco dancer said i was good and she would teach me if i went to see her at la bodega. fabulous.
and i rushed home to the bf at nine.
he leaves for hockey at nine.
usually.
when i arrived at 9:02, i called from the car to let him know.
come inside, he said. it isn't time yet.
i went inside.
he hugged me and said, "hockey was postponed until later."
that would have been nice to know.
i think i just discovered the root of all our miscommunications.
the bf makes no sense.
consider the following true conversation:
me: hey babe! are you at lunch?
bf: yes! they had chimichangas today!
me: fun! what are those, fried...rolls?
[jump: last night the bf and i had chevy's and i referred to the fajitas as rolls. in my defense, i was tired, i had been working all day, and it was nine pm. i had not just arrived back from acapulco, thank you very much.]
bf: babe, i have to let you go. i'm eating, and i need two hands.
me: you need two hands for chimichangas?
bf: no, i got a burger for lunch.
me: [open mouth] oh.
once i think about it, we are the most nonsensical pair i know.
maybe we should just keep on calling fajitas rolls and chimichangas burgers.
our world makes no sense. it works for us.
i think naked is the perfect name for a juice.
i had one this morning, and i feel wonderful.
and naughty at the same time.
oh, the illicitness of fruit in liquid form.
giggle.
i don't want to push you.
the last thing i want is to force you to want something because i want it.
i want us to unfold naturally.
i want the story of us to be ours.
because we have something.
but you know what?
i don't think we ever had it easy.
we fought it along the way, pulling and pushing.
and now we've given in.
maybe i want to be with you. i want to get married someday isn't so bad.
i'll take it.
i want to sit next to the bf.
i just want to hold his hand.*
in other news: i had a great day at work.
in other other news: i have new jeans that i have to return, but i am going to wait another day.
on sunday i went to church.
and was almost t-boned. again. but this time in the bf's car.
an older couple took a left onto a busy street without so much as a glance in my direction.
so i slammed on my brakes.
and, of course, skidded onto the curb of the sidewalk.
i looked around, alarmed, thinking swarms of people would rush to my side, shouting, "i saw the whole thing! it wasn't your fault! down with oldies!"
[see angry mob running down oldsmobile with torches and horses**]
but that was not to be.
everyone around me seemed oblivious to my near death experience, more interested in getting to church than my welfare.
so i reversed, put the car in drive, and went to church myself.
peace be with you, indeed.
*who am i kidding. i want to screw him.
**why horses? because they're a staple in romantic pursuits. how is this romantic? because this took place in front of a lutheran church. and the bf is lutheran. sigh.
another great thing about the bf?
sometimes i call him princess.
and he responds.
i just dropped the bf off at the airport.
he is going to acapulco.
i already miss him.
we have been terribly in love lately.
fumbling, acting like we have never felt like this before.
we squeeze each other in public.
tease mercilessly. laugh with abandonment.
my heart feels as if it is overwhelmed.
and i love it.
we are returning to the beginning, only this time knowing where we are going.
on wednesday night the bf and i went to tejas.
it was wonderful. he was stressed out, but i was blissed out.
i feel amazingly at peace with myself.
he did not make it to beuenos aires for the week.
snowed in.
so, we had dinner. he ordered the chop salad. i got the squash enchiladas.
long day for both of us, but it was just nice to be.
with him.
and laugh.
even though he was exhausted.
