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it's been a while.
recently i turned to the bf and said:
could i do an experiment?
his eyes widened in a tell me more expression.
could i do an experiment? on your face?
sounds threatening. dangerous even. a bit ridiculous.
but i have a good reason: my latest purchase.
smoothing cream. i really feel like it works. so i want to be able to see the results on someone not so easily wooed by promises of youth and beauty.
enter. the bf.
i love it.
maybe i just expect too much from people, but lately i feel disappointed.
and i cannot figure out if my expectations are too high or if efforts are too low.
friendships and relationships should be easier than this.
sigh.
double date at blackbird last night.
with a new couple. m and a.
we shared how we met stories.
usually, we have people beat.
but not this time.
they met via the internet. does everyone remember hot or not? i guess, while perusing the photos, a thought m was, um, hot. he clicked yes for her, and she clicked yes for him. three years later they got married. awesome. love in the unlikeliest of websites.
we shared seed mustard pork loin with rice pilaf. breaded salmon and fries with bearnaise sauce. hibiscus tea.
and four lovely little chocolates.
great place. i would recommend it. go for the pork loin. avoid the salmon.
we went to a birthday bbq last night.
flashback.
[it reminded me of one halloween eve, when i had invited him out with a friend of mine for the night's festivities.
he was, in effect, my date, however loosely interpreted.
we arrived at one party where he promptly left my side and went outside to make a phone call. when he tried to come back inside, he was accosted by audrey hepburn. he proceeded to hang out with her. for the rest of the night.
to his defense, he did try to talk to me once. in the middle of my conversation with a boy, he said something to the effect of "...meeting hot b*tches" wherein i lost all interest.
the night ended with the bf hugging audrey and me hugging a dark angel.]
thank goodness we are past that these days. barely.
he talked to the birthday boy's sister for the majority of the evening. i didn't mind until i went to look for them and they were sitting at a table. on a single patio. having dinner. alone. with fountains around them. in the effing dark.
then, and only then, did i want to scratch her eyes out.
i don't get it. it's clear when i invite him to things that i want him to be there as my bf.
some evenings it just doesn't feel like he is.
i can't sleep.
i am wired at night, and my mind spins.
the bf and i had a long weekend of family.
his sister from dc.
his parents from duluth.
i was conveniently spared from searching for a dress for the bride-to-be. i breathed a sigh of relief that i didn't have to sit through the oohing and ahhing this time. but i love dress shopping, and i would have smiled through the pain. grinned through the grimace. luckily, she chose and purchased a dress swiftly and surely.
i did go with her to peruse invitations again. i heart paper. it was lovely to spend time with her. she asked me what kind of ring i wanted. she asked me what kind of dress i wanted. it was nice to have someone be interested in my wedding. the one that's off in the distance and lives in my hopes.
this just isn't our time. not my time. and i am slowly getting used to it.
i don't want to be with a malcontent.
i seem to be ebbing versus flowing these days.
when i wonder outside of myself i realize that i am truly happy. heart-settled.
as i step back and see the big picture i know that i am there. i am where i want to be.
i again blame the curse of the capricorns in my constant search of the next. big. thing. it is my burden to carry, this need for motion. to be moving. and not just moving, not just flowing, but climbing. reaching.
and falling short because as soon as i reach it, there is something else.
what is that? purpose. ambition. desire. all of those things and more. i am the steady goat who is quite unsteady in emotion. i suppose that is why so many capricorn personalities are deemed unemotional and cold. because feelings just get in the way of that upward motion you crave.
because i straddle the sagittarius side of things, i am also emotional. the bf got two worlds as well, when he came into life on the left side of scorpio and the right side of sagittarius. but he gets to be emotional and intense. on the other hand, i am "practical" and emotional. somewhat of a contradiction in definition. we live as a realist and an idealist colliding with heart.
i want to be content. to see things as they are, for what is. to take it all in. to burst at the seams because really, my life is pretty wonderful.
the bf's new voicemail message:
"hello? who's there, i'm talkin? hello? who is this? baxter... is that you? baxter! bark twice if your in milwaukee... is this wilt chamberlain? have the courage to say something! hello?!"
taken from anchorman.
and totally my idea.
i am exhausted today.
i woke up absurdly early and stumbled into work. quite chipper for 6:19a despite the lukewarm shower and frantic ihavenothingtowear itis.
if you know me you would know that i dislike getting up early. especially for work.
but i found myself merrily working through the day until the dreaded hours of 2p and 4p.
at that time my brain stopped working and i drove home.
after calling my friend to see if i could move our meeting time up (with no call back i figured the answer was no), i collapsed in the fetal position.
and woke up half an hour later, grumpier than ever.
but it's okay, i am only slightly annoyed and i am meeting the lovely d for dinner at town talk diner.
i am craving a cheeseburger and fries.
and some good company.
that will do just fine.
had a picnic date on sunday.
two couples.
two bottles of white wine. a viognier and a white zinfandel.
gouda. aged four to six years.
green grapes. wheat crackers with olive tapanade.
summer sausage.
lake harriet bandshell: minnesota pops orchestra.
it was beautiful. weather, conversation, et al.
sometimes when the bf and i do it i want to shout like ron burgundy on anchorman:
veronica corningstone and i had sex and now we are in love!
it's a great way to start your day!
cue jingle. and i just got some dance.
triskaidekaphobia \tris-ky-dek-uh-FOH-bee-uh\, noun:
a morbid fear of the number 13 or the date friday the 13th.
on any other day, comedic.
on this day, tragic.
happy friday the 13th, triskaidekaphobes and non.
thank you for your thoughts.
i would tell you why i've been so down.
but i am unable to let it out.
it's family, and that's more than just me.
so i'll just share if i'm able.
i know you'll understand.
i've been on the verge of crying my brains out all day.
despite the relatively sedate workload.
and the positivity of the workplace.
and the loving bf.
the other night i whispered:
babe, will you love me forever?
yes.
life is beautiful. and not nearly long enough.
sometimes i wonder if...
we believe in our love enough.
i lucked out tonight.
e took me to see prince.
and i fell madly in love.
he is breathtakingly amazing.
i have absolutely no words.
sorry about the mia.
the lovely maurey has tagged me again.
8 things about me:
* i love a made bed. with extra pillows. and shams.
* i feel guilty when i throw paper away. even gum wrappers.
* i have a thing for chairs, anything soft, and the bf.
* i haven't been sleeping very well lately. i think my allergies are acting up. congested all over.
* i carry all my stress in my shoulders.
* my feet are horrendous-looking right now. i desperately need a pedi.
* there's nothing like running through a sprinkler on a hot day.
* i just had to go back and count how many things i had already written. mathlete i am not.
you're it!
sorry for the short and bunk post. i promise i will be better soon.
have a wonderful weekend. i'm off to mankato to visit the bro.
i just called my 'rents to wish them a happy anniversary.
i called my dad.
happy anniversary!
thank you!
thirty one years! you are such a good actor!
they are in boston visiting the rest of the family this week.
i'm sure they will relive memories of my dad running for miles to see her. of how he used to run through the gardens and pick a rose just for her. of taking her out for banana splits. and holding hands.
my parents make me smile. and believe in true love. the forever kind.
much love to my 'rents, two wild and crazy kids.
for some reason, i had on my calendar that the full moon would be on saturday, june 30.
significant to me because it would be the only full moon in capricorn this year.
but the moon glow did not reach me that evening.
after what i had thought was a great day with the bf, save that we whiled most of it away napping and watching crappy what about brian reruns, it all culminated into a heated discussion about our current state of affairs.
heavy sighs. stifled swallows. thumping hearts.
i was sad to hear it all. i was glad to hear it all.
the bf rarely has issues with me, but when he does it is usually valid. this time i am not so sure if the stresses he has felt were entirely inflicted by me. regardless, we tried to talk it through.
definitely not my strong point. my pride rarely allows for such occurrences of talking candidly about feelings. with the bf. but i resolved not to close up and check out.
it is difficult when the one person you love most in this world feels like he falls short. it is harder still when he thinks you are the one who put him there. you want to reach down and breathe the spirit back in, to hold him and remind him that he means everything to you, that he is everything to you.
i tried. i hope he believes it. i'll keep trying.
