yes

i gave my answer.*

i am so many feelings all at once.

mostly terrified. somewhat excited.

and hoping that everything will come together.

*not to the question you think, my dears.

poof

a friend told me a guy called me "hot" today.

i flew on that for a little while.

i mean, it's outdated and unoriginal, but i'll take it.

then he told me that he also said you should get on that.

and everything lost its magic.

as if!

heart

no words today.

lots of threads running through my brain.

thoughts all cross-puzzled together.

i hope that you had a more straightforward day than me.

so the running joke at work lately has been that i have no heart.

a la:

"is there a scar where they took your heart out?"

"have you found your heart yet?"

"what's it like not to have a heart?"

my favorite retorts:

"i found my heart. it was run over by your car."

"i found my heart. it's in the garbage next to yours."

"i found my heart in arizona. it fills the grand canyon!"

i work very, very hard.

connect

it is even worse

when we are in the same city

and i still can't reach you.

friday

it's a big day for me.

wish me luck and send me good thoughts.

i'll cross my fingers for you too.

love love.

eclipse

a full moon lunar eclipse.

it was surreal. looked like it wasn't happening, but was, just barely.

it was beautiful. haunting universe.

they say there is finality that comes with a lunar eclipse: endings, closings of doors. and i believe it. sometimes doors open so quickly you don't have time to think. i hold my breath and hope for the best. when a door closes though, i can hear it shut. i feel the closure. a sense of another chapter completed. reflections of something passed and wishes for the next big thing.

it is strange what the moon tells us.

song

you're the one i love. you made me feel like a million bucks. i was made for you. cause i love you more than i could ever promise. and you take me the way i am. when the rain is blowing in your face. and the whole world is on your case. i can offer you a warm embrace. to make you feel my love. i could make you happy make your dreams come true. nothing that i wouldn't do. go to the ends of the earth for you. to make you feel my love. as sure as night is dark and day is light. i keep you on my mind both day and night. and happiness i've known proves that it's right. because you're mine. i walk the line. i'd love to rest my heavy head tonight on a bed of california stars. i love to feel your hand touching mine. it's always better when we're together. wherever you're going, i'm going your way. two drifters off to see the world. there's such a lot of world to see. star-crossed souls slow-dancing. retreating and advancing. across the sky and 'til the end of time. look to your soul for the things that you know. let me in. unlock the door. i never felt this way before. for you i'd wait, 'til kingdom come.

i'm stranded at the edge of the world.

=love

want to know how i know the bf loves me?

the last time i was in his office, i commented on his colored binder clips.

i work in a creative field, and all we have are the slick black ones.

if you know me, you know i love organization. i love office supplies more than i should.

the next time i saw him, guess what he brought me?

that's right. that's how i know.

tmi

should have been the title of yesterday's post.

today i am speaking fewer words. letting most of the day sink in.

i have an ouch on my mouth. in the corner. it's not a cold sore. but it's something.

and i don't like it.

wait, is this another one of those tmi posts?

darn it.

zip

another weekend flown by.

family crammed in on friday evening. dinner out. playing sequence with the brothers and their gfs. separate bedrooms at my 'rents house, so the bf is loathe to go to bed. he talks (read: seduces with his cuddling skills) me into laying on the couch with him until the wee hours. shopping in the morning followed by a lunch, stopping by a friend's house, and the bf and i were off.

back to minneapolis for more family time. his brother and sister-in-law. two nephews and a lovely niece. i say lovely because she is when she wants to be. we brought gifts for the kids. next time remind me to get three of the same present, it will work out better that way.

in the evening we sort-of watch spiderman on the tele. the bf opens his bills. we cuddle on the blueberry couch until i get crabby because he tells me he doesn't have enough room. could i scoot back more? no, i could not.

waking up next to the bf is beyond blissful. even though i had another dream about him last night. this time with my girlfriend, n! gasp. i know that dreams are quite unreal but sometimes they make me angry anyway.

we try to make it to mcd's breakfast before 11a. we pull in at 11:02a. they were already serving lunch. *#^. we hit bruegger's instead. we saw there will be blood. it just wasn't for me. it was brilliantly cast, but that's about it. i wish i could have those three hours back. the bf got a haircut. i got to meet his stylist, ronnie. i bought a dress for his sister's wedding. i had to order it because they didn't have my size in store.

i'm not ready for monday yet.

xo

dear valentine:

i miss you.

happy valentine's day.

love,
sophie

well

oh.

it's been one of those days.

verge of tears. welling up. that kind of thing.

without rationale.

but isn't that usually how it goes?

you don't have to have a reason to feel.

sometimes,

you can just feel.

v

a bouquet arrived at work today:



they are beautiful.

and the note?

just you and me.

perfect.

wash

beach on the brain.

i am dreaming of a kauaiian holiday:



coppelle paisley isola d'elba terry tunic from j.crew.

wouldn't this be truly fantastic with a straw hat and black sunglasses?

i am in lurve.

rat

happy chinese new year.

to celebrate, i bought these:



i spent all of my health flexible spending money and then some. ouch.

but they are so pretty! i love them.

i also committed a cardinal sin:

i forgot to call my mom.

what a way to start.

over

it is sad when you know

you have outgrown a friend.

but it is sadder still

to hold onto something that is lost.

ce

in the light of day,

things look different to me.

i realize that good things are happening all around me.

couples announce engagements.

newlyweds still get pregnant.

and nieces continue to have birthdays where they receive "big girl now" underwear, only to pull them on without a diaper and promptly pee in them. then look up at you with a grin that could break your heart.

you just have to smile.

because life keeps happening. and most of it is good.

leap

how appropriate.

it is a year of a longer february.

and the word. leap.

blindly. with faith. to follow my heart, even though he doesn't live here. to follow him, even though i am afraid. i want to believe, more than anything, in us.

and the thing is, i do. because when i picture my future, i see only us. it's comforting. i see dinners with friends. family reunions. rooms filled with vases. chilled grapes in the freezer. and bottles of pinot.

i want to go through life with him.

i think i will.