brilliant

i can't sleep.

my mind races when i try.

perhaps it is the close of the new year.

currently i feel lost.

but strangely hopeful. i know that it will get brighter.

next year will be brilliant and lovely.

like this:



i just know it.

wrinkle

should i be offended that my mother is sending me questionable asian beauty products?

aka, "eye click" sticky tabs, for me to create the illusion of eyelids.

you hear about parents who unconditionally love their kids and think they are beautiful regardless of flaws. i often wonder what that would be like.

over the years, my mom has also given me undereye circle patches, eyelash curlers, anti-wrinkle creams. and oh yes, once my dad bought me cellulite cream*.

hmmph.

*i was 13. and apalled. today i would be thankful.

glance

when you were looking at her, and she was looking at you,

did you know that her boyfriend was checking me out?

because he was.

but i didn't look back.

because i didn't care.

wicked

whenever i am on vacation, i like to get a manicure.

it is relaxing and indulgent at the same time.

this time, i got essie::wicked.

and i love it.

cackle.

boston

okay, so here is my deal.

the bf and i have a fabulous time together. i don't think i have ever met anyone so great, so compatible, and so...it for me.

and yet.

we have communication disconnects. usually it is because of a bigger problem and we are transferring emotions, but sometimes it makes me question how we get along at all.

my belief in his devotion doesn't waver frequently, but there are times when i wonder if he wants something else. or if i do.

don't get me wrong, we had a wonderful time in boston. we slept on the plane. we had coffee. we had a delicious seafood dinner at atlantic fish. loud sex. a fantastic sushi dinner at fugakyu. we laughed and rolled around in bed.

it was freezing in boston, a damp, windy cold that was hard to breathe in.

being together somehow made it more bearable.

this morning when he was figuring out flight times for our way home, he told me that my flight was at 6.....and his was at 7.

and for some reason, my heart sank.

not because he needed to get away, but because i thought that getting away meant getting away, not necessarily from me.

i was wrong, and that's okay, but it still kind of smarts.

flight

we are going to boston this morning.

holiday with the bf.

i have been down lately.

i hope just due to growing older against my wishes. not very graceful.

tomorrow will be brighter, but today i feel dark, dark, dark.

but i grin anyway, hoping to fool my soul into smiling.

it is kind of working, but only because i am looking forward to doing it with the bf tomorrow.

aftermas

i keep thinking that in the holiday spirit, someone will call my office with a found wallet.

but two days later i realize i am not going to see it again.

i am, surprisingly, keeping it together. with a sigh.

and today the bf didn't make his flight to amsterdam. he was in dire need of a getaway, without me. i don't think it was to get away from me, but who knows. i think he goes because he can, even if it means he has to go solo.

he didn't get his mini-vaca, and i am up at 3:26am wandering.

this morning was fun. we woke up, had lunch, and proceeded with our hour-long tradition of opening presents (usually accompanied by a picture before you open a present and a picture taken immediately after you open it). think you're going to rip something open without the moment captured? think again, chump.

xmas at our house means dressing up slightly for pictures on xmas day. it means starting out with one member of the family who stars as video and camera are both aimed and ready.

giving. [click] opening. [click] joy [click click]. next!

i was happy with my presents, but overjoyed with giving mine.

we played poker. we played mah-jong.

and the bf kept squeezing me and whispering "i love you."

a very lovely christmas, indeed.

grace on xmas eve

um, yesterday my wallet was stolen.

but today, today i turn 29.

and i am spending it in rochester with the bf and the fam.

i got my butterfly necklace, i called to cancel all my cards, and life is merry.

hope you and yours feel peace this holiday.

make me

warning::the following post might be too much information, even for those who know me.

don't say i didn't warn you.

one of the best things about the bf is that he likes to do it almost as much as i do. clearly, not as much (that would be stupid).

a long time without it is about 2.3 days for us, which is coincidentally the same length of time that we can go without getting into a fight. i wonder if those two things are related.

anyway, last night the bf played hockey. i watched. i use the term "watch" loosely because i had brought along reading material and finished it during the hour and a half long game. i looked up and tried to catch the bf in action and even spotted a couple of scores. of course when he asked how many goals he had, i enthustiatically said, "seven!"

when we got back to his house, we had tea and cinnamon rolls.

then i said, maybe we should go to bed.

the bf said, maybe we should do it.

you don't have to ask me twice.

i ran upstairs. let the sexing begin!

we were having the usual fantastic time (read: i was having an out-of-control o*) when he whispered, 'baby, you're going to make me..."

afterwards, i giggled.

he groggily lifted his head up.

"huh?"

i giggled again.

"what?"

"i just love the way you always announce yourself when you're nearing the end."

and he does. every single time. giggle.

*ooco = i just made that up.

a.m.

one of my favorite things is brunch.

not so much breakfast. that's too early. the bf and i are both not early risers unless we have to be.

but this morning i am craving eggs benedict, with a side of fruit.

that's all i want.

gifts

I don’t know if these are joke presents, but on Friday the bf gave me:

a pair of black lounge pants (supposedly so I won’t run around pantless in front of his roommates anymore)

a pair of dumbbells (because I am a dumb...bell)

a girlfriend’s tarot book

a pair of sneakers

a good luck pig figurine

...and a bag of chips.

seriously.

i love the bf. i don't always get him, but i love him.

spring

the scene: easter brainstorm, at work.

cast of characters: all the vips of the agency, designers, project managers, account service, and me.

brainstorm ringleader: is there anything that hates easter like the grinch hates christmas?

silence.

[crickets]

me: (in a loud, yet childlike voice believing she has stumbled upon a golden nugget) beavers!

cast: pure uproar::howling, giggling, snickering, guffawing::wild and unrestrained.

me: (indignant yet amused) what? i'll prove it!

narrator: but the damage had already been done. aside from learning that not every idea can be a good idea in a brainstorm, sophie has reluctantly earned the title of angry beaver. this was not the professional mark she had been intending to make.

me: (blink, blink)

and today this arrived:



i will never, ever live this down. sigh.

armniversary

one year ago today i broke my arm.

i thought i would post the email i sent out four days later:

-----Original Message-----
From: Sophie
Sent: Monday, December 19, 2005 7:29 PM
Subject: my arm

hi all,

okay. i'm sorry i wasn't clear in my previous email. i fell on ice and broke my humorous bone (i know, i know, it isn't funny) last thursday. and yes, i was wearing heels, and yes, i just did the running man for the poker girls in the window of the sunny-side up cafe.

that's what i get for showing off!

anyway, i've been wearing a slint (?) that weighs more than i do and trying to keep my food down. percocet makes me naseous and sleepy and slightly more cranky than usual.

thank you to the bf, m, s, m, and p for coming to the er with me. thanks e and k for stopping by. thank you j for the fresca and paperbacks offer. thanks s for the biscotti -- now my mom wants me to learn how to make them. :)

thank you everyone for the calls and emails and thoughts. smooch.

i'm going to the doctor on wednesday am to see if maybe i can get this person off my arm -- i'll let you know what happens.

feel free to stop by with dirty movies and twizzlers! hee-hee.

xoxo,
sophie

------------------------

it is wonderful to have full of use of both arms, even though one is slightly shorter than the other.

here's to the brace, the bandages, the blisters, the bf, and my black cardigan sweater.

classic bf

the bf was in pain.

i asked what was wrong.

back pain.

flashback to the last time he threw his back out: i drove to his house, picked him up, and brought him back to my apartment to work his back and nurse him. [if by "nurse" you mean...] in the morning i drove him to his house before work.

and we weren't even dating.

now:

me: baby, what happened? how did you throw your back out?

the bf: i sneezed.

it's hard to know what to say.

unfiltered

i know, i know.

my post last night was lazy. but i was working and working and i thought, you know what? i am going to get my eyebrows waxed, and then i am going to get my drink on with e. so there.

i said, screw the public! all ten of you!

but now i'm back (to let you know, i can really shake 'em down).

please love me again.

love me like the bf did this morning, okay? oh what, like two healthy adults can't have consenting (fiery, albeit fleeting) sex first thing in the morning? breakfast of champions, that's what i say.

victory lap!

i could be sustained purely on my sexual appetite.

and sweet potato fries.

omg -- did i just say all that?

no!

dear all,

you wanna piece of me?

YOU WANNA PIECE OF ME?

stupid chickens

per my sensitivity with the bf as of late, i am tempted to read books to gain insight:

*

i don't know what's wrong with me. i jump all over everything he says, and i know it's not his fault. it is, as it usually is, mine.

maybe it is slightly more difficult to date asian women because we are slightly crazier than the average female. but i doubt it.

flash: last night the bf held me down and tickled me for a good twenty minutes. i laughed so hard i cried. he was trying to get me to say that his chickens (legs) were strong. in between breaths, i gasped, "your.....chickens......are.....st........upid!"

perhaps we are both crazy, and that is why we work.

*the bf is not, has not been, and will never be, an asian. he just wishes.

all i want

i know that a gift registry for oneself is not a socially acceptable practice yet, but since i am light years ahead of everyone else on so many other fronts, i thought i would blast my wish list out there today. you'll get to know me a bit better. and isn't that what everyone wants?

plus, the only big news i have for today is that i have already had 11 gourmet chocolated malted milk balls.

in addition to the yoga bag, planner, hat, ring, and car scraper i have already requested (read: i assume those are already wrapped):

the color is fantastic:


my flick of the year:


tiffany. tiffany. tiffany:


filthy and gorgeous, just like me:


a photo printer. all i know is that i want it to be small and cute:



black bangle:



drool. happy holidays.

beat

some advice i received:

"never be with someone and think you're going to (1) love him right or (2) change him in any way."

it's true.

and we learn it the hard way.

in light of recent conversations with gfs, i feel like many are trapped in relationships. trying to love him until he responds or waiting until he grows out of who he is now into something better.

and darlings, sometimes love isn't enough.

know when to stay. but more importantly, know when to leave.

always easier said. especially this coming from someone who stayed two years too long in a relationship with the wrong guy that was going nowhere (both the guy and the relationship). we all have our illusions, and i held on to mine.

and when you do let go, you will be free and hopeful. a day will come when you will love and just love. your heart will thank you.

please note: the above is a general statement and is not specifically applicable to the bf and our relationship. any resemblances to actual persons, ex-boyfriends and otherwise, or places are overt and intentional.

bah

in an effort to dispel the belief that i need the bf in any way, i decided that because of this, i would be doing holiday cards solo this year.

and so, i spent a saturday night writing out 50 cards.

lessons:
1. smaller card = less writing = less b.s. for everyone
2. writing on a bed = cramped legs = sleepy legs = pain [ow. ow. ow. adjust]
3. writing out 50 cards alone = being stubborn = unnecessary stupidity (now who feels stupid?)

so there. now who feels stupid.

me. just me.

sometimes i wonder when i'll grow out of making a point without anyone caring.

fine.

one day

four years ago, the bf and i met on december 6, 2002.

he walked into banana republic with his "friend", b.

my first thought was, how cute. an adorable gay couple shopping for holiday presents together.

as conversation progressed, i found myself matching every comment with a comeback.

i went to the back room to check on a size, and asked one of my uncloseted friends if he would do me a favor: 'there are two guys out there, and i'm fairly positive they do not play on my team. if i didn't know better, i would think they were hitting on me!'

he went out and came back quickly. the verdict? 'one of them might be, but the other definitely is.'

at the cashwrap, the bf asked if they could take me out for coffee on my break. i told him that wasn't necessary. he asked for my number. i told him that i don't give out my number. he asked me to wait outside the shop for them.

i sat on a bench just outside banana republic.

b came outside and, after a moment, asked me for my phone number. don't these guys talk to each other? i gave him the same line.

they bought me a hot tea. and kept asking for my phone number. i kept politely declining, insisting that i take their phone numbers.

finally i scored their numbers, never intending to use them. i gave them my business card. later i found out that they had not intended to use those, either.

a week later, i decided to call. both of them. i called definitely first.

who would've thought that four years later definitely would be the bf?

kissing

on the anniversary of the day the bf and i met at the banana republic at the mall of america, i thought it would be appropriate to tally the top all-time kisses with the bf:

1. january 03. our first kiss. nervous and exciting. illicit and dangerous. wrong and right colliding. shivers and goosebumps. it was the kind that ended in a backbend.

2. december 05. after he said, 'if you are going to break up with me, do it now. it's too late for me, soph.' my head spun. when he asked, 'are you going to let me love you?' i completely lost it.

3. valentine's day, 06. we had been fighting for quite a while. i had been crying, bawling, screaming at my friends to help me understand who he was and how we got here. just wanted to stop everything because everything i knew was upside down. he talked me into talking things over at his house. when i got there i sat in my car for a long time with my eyes closed. i walked up the path and saw him sitting on his front steps. we talked a bit. hoarse whispers. we went up to his room. we talked more. we tried to discuss, to make things better, to somehow get past the mess we had not intended to make. we looked at each other, our raw eyes pleading.

...i leaned over and kissed him. and that was it.

three

my lucky number is::3::nice things that happened to me:

1. j poked my side this morning and said, 'i think you are losing weight!' i laughed and said it was because i am too busy to eat.

2. k said that i would look very pretty with some bright red lipstick. i said i have some bright red lipstick. m, a guy, said, 'she already is pretty.'

3. a friend of mine who i was convinced was boycotting me stopped by today, and we went out for lunch. during, he said, 'it's always your show.'

grin.

just the way, uh huh uh huh, i like it.

puppy

we were on our way to a party, and it was snowing.

lightly, whitely...

we had been spending time together, mainly because of our advanced placement english class. we had taken the role of the monk in canterbury tales, acting it out and somehow ending it with my tap dancing moves.

one night laid head-to-head and talked. really talked.

i liked to bug him about liking a taken girl. he had followed her around like a puppy for a whole semester, seemingly oblivious to the whispers and her boyfriend's tolerance.

you love her, i would tease.

except one day when he changed.

he said he liked someone else.

oh?

...and on our way to the party, after we climbed out of his mother's blue honda civic hatchback, we paused and looked at each other. he saw me with a combination of the awe and innocence and youth that comes with first love. he didn't even touch me. he could hardly speak.

softly i heard: "you're glowing."

and every year when the snow comes, i remember that someone once told me that i glowed.

catch

the bf has a speck by the green pupil on his right eye.

it is small and brown.

it is not obvious or unattractive.

it is not a flaw or imperfection or a mistake.

it is one of his unique spots, one not everyone gets close enough to see.

and it is one of the parts about him that i love the most.

not the face!

the green bullet might be trying to off me.

i ran out to my car on tuesday night, rushing, as usual, to get to the bf's house. i was late. i am always late. i have good intentions to be early but i know i can't survive off those forever.

in my arms i had the following items:
1. purse
2. holiday hostess gift of chocolate truffle almonds
3. change of clothes
4. car keys

i inhaled sharply, preparing for the sprint to my car on lyndale. it is always a sprint. lyndale avenue is a very busy street, and given the two lanes of traffic plus one lane for parking, most mornings i end up sliding in through the passenger door.

this evening, however, i spotted my opening. i ran out to the driver's side and pulled the door open a wee, keenly aware of the impending green light and release of traffic flowing my way shortly thereafter. i almost dropped the fragile hostess gift, and as i struggled to kept it in my grasp, a push of wind from cars streaming by me forced my car door to close on my hunched body, slamming my forehead into the frame of the car. a metal sophie sandwich. i closed my eyes for a moment. the world turned black. and bright stars danced in my head.

i slumped into the driver's seat, willing the stars to fade.

as soon as i could, (what time was it? what year was it?) i pulled down the mirror to assess the damage.

...a fine looking dent in the forehead. wonderful. now my own car is out to get me.