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i found this draft from 06.18 (it's funny how some things stay the same):

"sometimes i feel like it is more important to you to be married than it is to marry me."

my heart deflated.

and then ignited.

it is important to me that we get married because i love you and i want to be with you.

i don't know why that is so hard to understand.

everytime someone else gets married and it's not me it breaks my heart a little.

if we both know, what would one more step be?

if nothing about our relationship would change, what are we waiting for?

if we are both so scared to give forever to each other, why are we even here?

but fine, i give up. i don't want it today.