black

i wanted to wear this dress to my grandmother's funeral:



so i ordered it online last friday at 5p, with two-day express shipping.

it has not yet arrived, and my flight leaves in two hours.

needless to say, i am not thrilled.

bye

off to boston today.

sure to be an emotional weekend.

but i will be surrounded by family.

and the bf.

so even though i will never be ready,

i think i will be okay.

have a great week.

i'll be back soon.

gma

there was nothing i wanted to think about posting last week.

and no posts that i wanted to think about.

so i just want to say thank you for your silent thoughts and prayers.

i appreciate it, and i feel it.

here is something i wrote about my grandmother that i wanted to share:

my grandmother is a beautiful woman. she is well-traveled and resided mainly in taiwan and japan with my grandfather until she reluctantly moved to massachusetts. my late grandfather was the ambassador from taiwan to japan for many years. but my grandmother was never his trophy wife; she stood a pillar just as tall as he. like a good politico’s wife, my grandmother dressed up and went to countless celebrations, meetings, and events. she kept such a serene smile.

my memories of my grandmother are few, but vivid. i would thread my arm through hers, and she would be wearing a stylish sheath with three-quarter length sleeves. grandmama lin had an asian loveliness about her, like an origami crane or a pale pink peony. chinoiserie in a sense. she wore chanel red lipstick and held herself like the exquisite black purse she carried. to me, she was the first lady in asian form. fluid and formidable, she represented elegance in person and wore gloves over working hands.

today, she is soft-spoken but emanates grace, both innate and learned. her powerful spirit is tempered only by her delicate stature. we communicate mostly via hellos and shy smiles for i am a generation too removed for her language.

shortly after my grandfather died, her heart broke via an attack and she has not been the same. with the help of family, she has been quietly mending.

oh. that was almost too much.

excuse me.

lin

my grandmother passed away tonight.

i need a moment.

please refrain from comment.

thank you.

yeah

here's the thing about this week.

and i want you to remember this about me.

i am tired of the same old excuses.

and i don't want to hear it.

thank you.

peony

because i have them on my mind:



peonies are my mom's favorite.

and i am thinking of her tonight.

snap

the bf is home again.

after a fantastic welcome home (wink), we headed up north.

two and a half hours later, we arrived at his grandmother's house.

it was a mini-reunion; really nice to spend time with his family.

a cousin from australia was visiting. bawdy and rowdy. just like i like 'em.

in true italian family style, we were fed and cooed over.

we stayed in duluth with the bf's 'rents.

on sunday morning, at church, i turn to the bf and whisper:

babe, what if our kids have big noses? i'll blame you.

with perfect execution, the bf deadpanned:

what if our kids are dumb?



it's good to have him back.

via

the bf is en route!

he called me from the airport in milan.

if all goes well with flights, he will be home by 12:30p today.

i can't wait to see him. i plan on picking him up from the airport with my usual sign spelling his last name wrong.

when i was little, we traveled a lot (read: lots of family vacations). before every flight, i would try to find a fountain and make a wish that we would arrive safely at our destination. pennies, nickels, dimes would be tossed lightly. along with shut eyes and wishes of safe travels. the plink as the coin hit the water was a sign of acknowledgment. it was my security blanket. my little safeguard ritual. my travel prayer.

i still close my eyes and wish.

kayak

i went kayaking with the ex last night.

i am completely addicted to kayaking.

we had to head in because of the impending storm, so we headed to amazing thailand for dinner and his belated birthday celebration. i couldn't resist the name - amazing thailand - such a bold promise!

we caught up while trying the vegetarian spring rolls, chicken pad thai, and tom yum soup.

dinner was, well, less than amazing.

but the company was pretty wonderful.

i always think of my ex as the kind of man that turns a girl around. the kind that makes a girl realize what they are truly worth, that to be treated as like a lady is the very least of what they should expect. and among many other things, the ex did that for me.

he was my hero. he was my knight in shining armor. he was my rock.

and yet, he was not the one for me.

he never captured that part of me that is for no one else.

and that's why it was never to be. no one is to blame; it is what it is.

but i will never stop believing in what he taught me.

and for that i will always be infinitely grateful.

thank you.

classic bf

the bf has a surefire way of being disappointed at restaurants.

his plan? he always orders what he feels like versus, say, the specialty of the cuisine.

what do i mean? i'll tell you.

i have several examples.

a. the scene: tejas, obviously of southwestern cuisine, the bf decides to order what? the tamale? no. the chop salad. and again, he is surprised when it is disappointing.

not enough, you say? who could get chop salad wrong?

b. the scene: salut, restaurant a la france. the bf orders the beef stroganoff daily special. it sounded good. but non, it was not good.

okay, okay, easy mistake. specials should be good.

c. the scene: little angie's cantina (in duluth!), dubbed fajitaville. i order the enchiladas. the bf's mom orders the taco salad. the bf orders the buffalo chicken wrap. think he liked it?

i could go on, but i'll spare you. just believe me.

salzburg

the bf is now in salzburg, austria.

the birthplace of mozart.

i wish i could be there.

well, not really, seeing as how he is zipping around in a small bmw with two married men.

but i do wish we could be together. (read: i get mushy at night)

he called me tonight.

i said, baby, i forgot what you look like!

go get a picture quick!

but i don't have any where i didn't cut out your face!

ah, the romance of it all.

bedding

okay.

i love this:



it's so relaxing.

but i also like this:



because it's hot.

jump!

mini

i am having another great day.

i didn't sleep much last night.

i'm a night owl, even when i know i have to be up at 6a and in front of the client at 8a.

so i went down at around 12:30a.

and the bf called at 1:18a.

i can't even remember what we talked about. boo.

but enough with the time talk -- tonight i am off to beaujo's with little n.

for some mini burgers + cute little pickles and a glass of wine.

mmm.

labor day

i had a nice relaxing weekend.

hope yours was sweet too.

dreamy.

i should probably mention that i went to the state fair last friday.*

gorged on corn dogs, fried green tomatoes, iced tea, fries, and frozen grapes. oh, and a bite of a deep-fried twinkie.

my stomach clearly indicated that i was indeed too old to partake in such grease-laden foods.

the bf won me a stuffed black car with my lucky number (3) on it.

i think it was to make up for last year.

we took our chances on the milk jug toss, where carnies urge you to "lean, lean!" to close the two foot gap between your softball and the opening. $2.25 for three tries. me first: overthrown. next up, the bf: he sunk it so quickly i didn't even get a picture. but i did holler for the black car i wanted. we still one ball left. i was confident this time. if the bf could do it, i could do it too. except i didn't, i overthrew.

the highlight of the eve was the big, fat gorgeous pig that i like to awe over.

the second highlight was discovering the passion the bf has for brisk unsweetened iced tea.

all in all the fair was fair. just like always.

*you know what's weird? we went on the exact same day last year. creepy.

choice

i don't want to choose.

the bf always says that whatever i want, i want it now.

and he's right.

i don't want to choose between me and us.

because i would choose it all.

and i would have it all.

if you would let me.

elude

wide awake.

feeling blue.

the bf is en route to germany, and i am alone. again.

today he told me that he wants to marry me.

and i felt simultaneously and deeply. happy and sad.

beaming with happiness because he had not spoken those words that way before.

and profoundly sad because he is leaving me for a week.

we have been intensely talking about our future for the past two days.

and i am realizing that

i have no answer

other than yes.