28

i got a little older today.

last night, the bf and i celebrated at lola tapas.

they have community tables. low lighting. great food. my favorite kind of place.

i am thankful for many things today, and i thank you for the sweet birthday wishes.

flying home today - bracing myself for a familiar minnesota winter.

i can't wait.

kiss kiss.

un

some days, i feel like i am drowning.

i can't breathe and i don't know why.

lately i have been holding my breath and sighing,

but today i just feel trapped.

reality

you know you are getting older when, seemingly overnight, you just don't understand the kids on the real world anymore.

dining

the bf and i recently bought a small dining room table. i love sitting down to dinner.

we are now in the search for dining room chairs, and because i am a capricorn, i need (1) to find fabulous chairs that i love and (2) at a fraction of what a normal person might pay. this combined with the bf's love of comfort over design makes for a lovely shopping experience.

but i do love it. especially on a rainy day such as this one.

we stopped to check out a possible option on sunday:


at $125 for all four, i really wanted them to work out. but, they really didn't. the price was right, but the quality just wasn't there.

onward.

i am now checking on ebay, craigslist, lushpad, and cb2, eq3, west elm, etc.

how about these options:






i just can't do it. one of those chairs will be $100, more than what we would have paid for all four above. sigh. i suppose i will just keep looking.

okay. i've decided on louis xvi chairs in white on white. how fabulous is that?! let me know if you find them for cheap!

season

and before you know it, fifteen days have passed.

tis the season for family + friends, i suppose.

my 'rents came for a quick visit last week, during which i alternately loved and hated their overbearing love.

we spent time at the desert botanical gardens at papago park. and by "spent time" i mean "walked around taking pictures for approximately three and a half hours, leaving only to go back two hours later to take evening shots." we also spent quality time here, as my dad only really enjoys having chinese or japanese food. needless to say, i gorged myself on pizza the day after they departed.

all in all, a very pleasant visit, and i was sad to see them return home.

this past weekend the bf and i went to washington dc for his sister's graduation. it was another fun-filled family holiday, and it was lovely despite the minor drama.

i will say that it is bitterly cold in washington dc this time of year, and the weather in phoenix suddenly doesn't seem so bad.

it is nice to be home, wherever that might be.

chatterbox

i could have had you.

and i knew it. i knew by how you were looking at me and making me laugh. how you were trying to figure me out between games.

the bf had just barely come back into my life, and we were still sorting things out, the way you do after you have a beneficial relationship for years with no attachments.

i was, theoretically, free.

and yet. when the moment happened and you told me how you felt about me, how you could feel about me,

i knew i could have had you. i thought that a kiss could just be a kiss but maybe there would be something else. a spark, perhaps. that thing. our future relationship flashed before my eyes and i could see us laughing and being together. we could have fun and date and get to know each other because i always thought, and still think, that you are a fantastic person. i didn't have to tell you that i had to figure out where the bf and i were going, what we were doing, i doubted us, but i had to find out if. i didn't have to sit there and look into your disappointed face. you could have just kissed me. we could have just leaned across the table and closed the inches between us.

sigh.

but the greatest part of it all is, we didn't.

aloha

off for the holiday weekend.



i am thankful for many things: the bf. my family. my friends.

and today, i am very thankful for flight benefits.

happy thanksgiving.

one

dear bf,

happy birthday to the only one who can make me laugh when three bad things happen in a row.

how do i love thee?

let me count the ways:

you let me call you little gazelle. i like the way you laugh without making a sound. i especially love when you can't help but laugh out loud. when you said "i think you said floss but i can't be certain" when you couldn't hear me through the bathroom door. the way you leave a trail of your belongings wherever you go. your little corner. watching me drive from your office. your threshold for love. the night we picked out suit/shirt/tie pairings. using your poker winnings for pillow money. how you listen to your mother, even when you have no patience left. the phone calls you make to your family and friends. your voice when you're tired. having lunch with you. your pasta. your patience, kindness, and understanding. watching house together. the way your hair flops around when you move your head. the face you make when you try to burp (and ultimately can't). your nonexistent butt and chicken legs. when you forget something. driving anywhere. making fun of the fruit i buy that goes bad. your love for chocolate. your fancy pravda vodka. the red zip-up you wear in the mornings. denim patches on your jeans. the way you dance me around. how i can spend every waking moment with you and still want more.

the endless ways you take care of me.

happy birthday to the lo(ve) of my life.

i love you,
sophie

white

i love buying home accessories.

and i especially love buying things in white.

a blank slate. so pure.

i think i adore the possibility of it. that it can go with anything. the idea is just waiting to take shape. you can't really go wrong with anything you choose. because it will all come together.

i feel white today.

and i like it.

lola

my friend s and i went here last night.

it was lovely. community tables. low lighting. great ambiance.

my kind of place.

we had tortilla de patatas, roasted asparagus with pimenton de la vera, and barcelona eggplant stacks.

accompanied by glasses of sangria, of course.

dulce de dia was an almond cake with blackberry glace.

amazing.

not to mention the company, the stories, and the maniacal laughter.

sigh.

free

i haven't been in the mood to write lately.

just thinking. a lot.

i'm free today, and i will be free for the next couple of weeks. or months.

it makes me nervous. and excited.

there's no where to go but up, right?

peace.

mankato

my little brother got married this weekend.

i am still reeling from the emotions.

i held it together until the slideshow, when i saw how much my brother had really grown up. stuck in my mind forever at fifteen, i guess i just took for granted that he would always be just my little brother.

and now he is on his honeymoon.

he is, a wonderful, big-hearted person.

i am overwhelmingly protective of him, not because i think he's fragile, but because i think that he is so soft that i don't want him to be hurt. ever.

it's so nice that he found someone. he will be the most wonderful husband. and father.

oh. there i go again.

care

i am a planner by nature.

i take care of things. mostly by myself.

because i think relying on someone else will ultimately cause disappointment.

i set myself up to be disappointed when someone is trying to help me because they won't do it my way. i forget that to be human is to be imperfect. i forget that to be me is to be imperfect.

and although i sigh with disappointment, deep down i know that it is because i am the only one who can take care of me, the way i want it to be.

except, for some reason, no matter how many reasons i give him to let me down, or how many ways i give him an out,

the bf always comes through for me.

slap

is she the one?

yes, i think so.

i knew eventually you would find someone else.

i knew that i would be ecstatic for you.

the heartbreak is the unexpected part.

you were always the guy that i could count on. the one that turned me back on to love. if we hadn't been in a relationship, we would have ended up best friends. you are still one of the greatest guys i know.

i felt a twinge when you told me that she was the one for you.

because you told me the same thing. once.

and even though i have no claim to your heart, i didn't think the part i had was so replacable.

we don't belong to each other anymore.

i was just wrong to think that i wouldn't feel anything when it happened.

mazatlan

yesterday, i felt refreshed.

today, i am still hanging on.

my holiday was wonderful. spent quality time with a dear friend. a moved out of minneapolis years ago. i cried when she left. we have kept in touch and stayed friends through job transitions, relationship crashes, and relocations. the occasional email and phone call.

we had drinks and snacks poolside. beach naps. lovely dinners. water aerobics. breakfast on the balcony. golf-cart taxi rides.

since a is practically fluent in spanish, we had no problems doing whatever we wanted (not that we ever do). i learned some spanish phrases via a kind server.

mazatlan was dreamy. thanks a*, for meeting me in mexico. till next time.

mwah.

*i won't tell anyone you were on antibiotics so we couldn't drink like champions. your secret is safe with me.

pbeb

by tomorrow afternoon, i will be here.



perhaps with a cold drink in my hand.

sigh.

i am so very grateful to the bf for giving me a holiday.

thank you.

pearl

i am planning a brief holiday to mexico.

a dear friend of mine is meeting me in mazatlan next weekend.



as long as i'm not here, i'll be good.

i just need a little break.

uk

i have channeled my frustration into a therapeutic online shopping spree:

let them eat cake


london underground


vintage british postmark


three black and white prints that reflect my love for the uk and marie antoinette.

i asked about a "get wellies soon" print that is also adorable.

keep calm and carry on.

9to5

i live for 5:30p and fridays.

i know my friends are sick of hearing about it. i am sick of thinking about it.

i daydream about handing in my resignation. shrieking. slamming doors.

i am acting out in classic exit mode.

i am using our desk move as an excuse to bring home my photo frames. when i think about holiday parties, i hope i am not there to be invited. the new year seems so far away.

every time i send out an email i wish it was my last.

and every time i cry about it...

i wish it was my last.

selphy

i told the bf i wanted a photo printer.

he told me to send him a link, and maybe santa would get it for me.

so i did.



click on image to see where i sent him.

hahahahahahaahahahaha.

link

i want this:



pretty. please.

departure

what a lovely and relaxing weekend.

we did everything and more, and it was nice to do nothing sometimes.

we laughed, and had the most delicious meals together. shopping. foot scrubs. therapy. andrew. 13 mariposa. weiner king. learning curve. my little friend. comfort. compassion. brilliant ideas.

last night we hit frank and lupe's for some authentic mexican cuisine and margaritas.

this morning we hit la grande orange for a quick breakfast.

perfect bites.

then time to drop them off at the airport.

it was so nice to see you both, s and e.

come back anytime.

guests

two gfs are coming to visit tomorrow! gasp!

i am so excited i could burst. they couldn't have picked a better weekend to see me.

the yin and yang in my life are coming to balance me out.

i have some fun things planned:

thursday

possible drinks at postino upon arrival

friday

brunch downtown at my favorite spot & downtown shopping

sol y sombra for dinner

saturday

foot scrubs appointment in the afternoon at hotel valley ho

browsing the shops in old town scottsdale

dinner is go with the flow for now

sunday

quick breakfast and departure

it will be brief but it will be a meaningful visit. i cannot wait to spend some quality gf time!

welcome to phoenix.

calm

i am going to lose my mind.

if i have to stay here for more than a couple of years.

i bought this:


to remind me to keep my head up.

it is gorgeous. and fabulous.

something pretty and shiny in the desert.

out

sometimes you just have to listen

and realize that while things might not go the way you thought they would.

listening to your heart will only work out in the end.

hear it.

flatware

i purchased our flatware online today:



the bf picked out the set. i figured that was okay since if we ever (ah-hem) tie the knot (cough, cough) we (read: i) will probably want to register for a really nice set.

i like them. affordable and nice.

after my purchase, i allowed the cursor to hover over the gift registry. i clicked on it. i got so far as to enter my first name.

i closed the page. waited for my heart to slow.

that was close. grin.

sal

the bf and i adopted a betta.

a blue one. we named him salinger.

*

currently, he is living in a cube vase. i went out yesterday, determined to buy him a new home in the form of an ornate glass cannister.

i found the perfect one at target. a round bubble on top of two slim bubbles and pedestal base. it was beautiful, and i was optimistic. i would just pull out the metal ring made for a single tealight, and voila! instant fish bowl.

went i got home, i rinsed out the bowl and put some glass rocks, as the base was hollow and i was worried salinger would find a way to wedge himself in there and not be able free himself. i set it beside salinger so he could get used to it. a visual trial period.

i settled in for the night. made some tea. worked a little.

CR-ACK!

a loud noise broke my peaceful reverie, and i looked around to find the culprit. i raised an eyebrow. i asked salinger what he had done.

i examined salinger's new home. it...looked....like... i couldn't resist the urge to poke it, and when i did the entire bowl came off the base and cracked in half. wide-eyed, i swore to myself, and vowed to clean it up. later. well, tomorrow.

today, when i returned home**, i picked up the top half of the bowl delicately by the handle, tipped-toed to the garbage. when i was less than a foot away from the garbage, i decided to examine the structural integrity of the bowl. i wanted to pinpoint where it had weakened and what had caused the entire bowl to cra...

SH-ATTER!

all over the kitchen floor. i stared at my hand for a moment. i surveyed the scene. at this point, i just wanted to throw my hands up in the air and go back to the couch and wait for the bf to help me on thursday.

but i got out my flip flops, found the swiffer (i only had wet cloths), and swept. then i got out my vacuum cleaner that runs on batteries. after that i picked up tiny shards by pressing my index finger on it and carrying it to the garbage can.

i am still scared to walk in the kitchen.

why had i not brought the garbage can TO the broken glass? good question. i don't have an answer for you. if i did, i probably would have done it that way and avoided a half hour worth of clean up.

anyway, welcome to my world, salinger.

*to protect his identity, this is not an image of the real salinger
**stop reading here if you hate stories about utter stupidity

ode

the bf doesn't leave me alone much.

it's usually a good thing as my thoughts are stunningly overactive and my imagination knows no boundaries.

but tonight, i am by myself. i just made some tea, and i am alone with my thoughts:

i miss you already. i am still trying to figure out why you called denver the city of angels. i thought that was los angeles. i love the way you wear your socks when you're at home. you pull the band down to your ankles, and the loose fabric makes me think of elf shoes. i am contemplating changing salinger's water again, but i am worried that the changings are too close and i will give him a heart attack. i wonder where you put your red zip-up - i like to wear that when you're not around because it smells like you. i just went on a hunt for it, and when i saw where it was i laughed out loud because it was in the closet, right where it should be, and least likely where you would put it. i really like how you think stacking something is the same as finding a place for it. i am glad you remembered your book this time. i wonder if you found the picture of me in your bag. i smile whenever you ask customer service people if they feel good about themselves. if i was the customer service rep you were talking to i would say yes. i think that when you get home we should go out on a date. or stay in on a date. oh who am i kidding we should probably just make dinner at home. i will try making ma po tofu again. i know we travel a lot, but it would be nice to go on holiday together. someplace new. i also decided that i like when you wear your hair big. it is fun and floppy. hope you are relaxing on the plane. call me when you land lightly on flowers in fankfurt.

i love you.*
soph

*usually when i say this the bf responds with i loved you first. sigh.

promise

i have been having a hard time lately.

i want to concentrate on the positive, but the things that are on my mind the most are often not.

i think the bf and i could have a nice life here. and we are looking into some beautiful homes.

i guess i can picture it all. i want it all with the bf. he has promised everything.

perhaps i am just not completely sold. on this life, anyway.

reason

i received a package at work today.

flowers. a beautiful arrangement.

from the bf.

the note read: i still love you even though you hate me.

i realized exactly why i moved here.

and exactly why i will stay.

unlink

letter to an old friend:

hello,

thank you for sending me a form email requesting to be linked to me professionally. you were a budding lawyer fresh out of law school the last time i saw you. i remember when i was invited to your wedding and i debated whether or not you really wanted me to be there. i vividly remember that your bride did not.

i went anyway.

the first time i saw you, we were on a flight from london to venice. no offense, but you weren't the one that i thought was cute. and yet, after splitting a bottle of red italian wine, i had a change of thought. you gave me a red rose, and i thought you were sweet. your companions egged me on, encouraging a kiss in exchange. i agreed, and before i knew it we were quite the spectacle, trying to hide in glass phone booths and under street lights.

omg. it was only that one time.

after the red wine faded and the sun came into view. i woke up. it never happened again. my decision. it would never last beyond italy.

we shall always have venice, but we shall not be linked in.

kindest regards,
sophie

chinese

i have already worked 37 hours this week.

i am pretty exhausted. and work just isn't letting up.

but the bf and i set some time aside to have a lovely dinner together.

it was nice to spend time for some ma po tofu, fried rice, hot and sour soup, and each other.

and in the words of the bf: i am very tolerant of other cultures!

filthy

another relaxing weekend in the hamptons.

it is most definitely worth the four hour flight.

we spent saturday on the deck. sunning. swimming. smiling.

dinner at at bobby van's steakhouse. we had filthy martinis and the lollipop steak special with lobster mac 'n cheese. mm. the bf ordered the cod with miso, and it was wonderful.

later that night, jenga and poker were on the table. more martinis.

it is so disgusting but i fell in love with the bf over and over again. smack over poker hands. the thought of his technicolor body (various shades due to the tortures of the sun) still makes me laugh.

sunday meant a late rising and a quick drive to sag harbor. brunch was nice with bloody marys and french toast. a stroll along the main streets. and walking along the pier.

i heard the temperature got up to 113 in phoenix today.

i am so glad i missed it.

job

i don't talk about my job much.

to you.

but let's just say that i am keeping a list and a folder and an email inbox; an arsenal of evidence for why. and one day i will look back and this will just be another blip on my career radar.

my daily exercise consists of "it is what it is"s and "i can only do what i can do"s. b.s. talk. i talk myself off the ledge, i will myself not to take it seriously, not to get involved, to stay detached, to remain noncommittal.

i don't tell you much about my job.

but i will say this.

if you ever get the chance to turn down a job that has "typically been difficult to keep filled."

turn it down.

wordle

just when i was wondering what to put up on our blank walls:



i am going to make mine soon.

go here to create your own.

ack

to prep for the upcoming family weekend, i have accidentally fallen ill.

i didn't know colds existed in arizona.

i know you can get sick anywhere, and suddenly even the desert sun will feel good on your face.

that's how i know i am really not well.

ex

oh hello.

it is your birthday again.

every year it catches me by surprise. yet i expect it.

every year i wonder what you are doing. and i hate it.

you are married now, and today i wondered how you would celebrate your birthday. i wonder what she looks like, mostly. i wonder if you settled, and if you would even let me believe that. i would like to think that you didn't settle, that you found someone who matches you, like i did.

you told me that you married her because you wanted to feel secure. i should have told you that marriage doesn't buy you that, but by then it was already too late. you told me you weren't ready to get married until you were 27, a veiled jab to remind me of how you supposedly proposed when you stuttered out, "if you were single, would you marry me?"

a stutter that i never answered.

i know we weren't meant to be together, and i harbor no regrets, no feelings, for you.

i never want to be with you.

and yet i keep wondering.

grey

i missed the opportunity to buy this sweater, and i am so sad that i lost it:



today i found it online, but not in my size. boo.

8.08.08

happy lucky day!

it's been a long week.

the (week)end is finally here.

we are set to have dinner with the bf's manager and husband at salt cellar.

i feel like scallops. and white wine.

it's supposed to be a lucky day today. 88 being similar to the chinese character for happiness and all.

and it's been a pretty good one.

tomorrow, vegas. we shall see if the luck stays with us.

pigbutt

i learned a new word today.

spoony.

and i like it.

i like that the bf and i both drive home so we can spend 20 minutes together before he leaves for a work dinner. we live together. we can't get enough of each other. we get more than enough. we are always in our faces. we are all over ourselves. it's just what we do. that's just us.

being our spoony selves.

and i like it.

breakout

there is something in this:



that i am familiar with.

ebay

i was ebaying tonight, and i came across this listing:

"Here is a pair of two bentwood chairs produced by Herman Miller for the State of Minnesota. That’s right, our State contracted with the Herman Miller Company back in maybe the 1950’s to purchase office furniture. With the remodels of buildings the furniture was either sold or hauled off to be burnt. Yes, again, us folks in Minnesota really do not have a sense of design. Years ago, I found this pair of chairs in a barn being used to hold egg cartons. I dusted them off and cleaned them with a very mild soap. They were used in my office for a while. Then I went to work for the State and have office furniture that matches everyone elses. So rather than have the chairs sit in my basement we are selling them. One chair has a mended (or nailed a zillion times) leg. There is no way I am going to try to figure out how or why someone put that many nails into the leg. There are close up pictures of the leg attached and after the removal. The legs will be off the chairs when shipped. UPS wanted $152 and some odd change to ship the chairs with the legs on. Same weight just a different size box.

We've been contacted by folks to suggest that these are actually Thonet bentwood chairs. So of course I googled it and found that Thonet made a chair that looks just like these. All I can tell you is that we are certain of their provenance. They really were made for the state. So the bottom line is that you've been informed of the discussion. So just bid and enjoy."

it made me laugh. and cry. i miss minnesota.

cheers.

hm

there is something

about the bf's face

that makes me smile

every time i see him.

miller

i am in love with these chairs:



i just found them on craigslist. a cool $300 for the pair.

the pair.

cross your fingers for me. they are exactly what i am looking for!

well, for today.

grin.

tonic

i found myself thinking about you the other night. whenever i do i end up smiling.

i wish you the best. all i want is for you to be happy.

one night i sat in your lap, asked you about xmas wishes.

you told me the three things you wanted.

i wanted to give you those three things, even if they were impossible for me to give.

that was the same night you told me that we probably wouldn't know each other when your next birthday rolled around.

i didn't understand. but i did. i just didn't want to think about it.

it was inevitable. it wasn't meant to be.

and now i think nothing but sweet thoughts of you.

problem

okay, i will admit that i have a problem.

i keep ordering pillows online.

and i. can't. stop.

but i promise this is the last time:



they just matched these so well.

curve

i recently purchased some serveware.

i am expecting a lot of visitors this fall and winter (hint), and i might as well play the part:





note: the above images are not actually what i bought. i couldn't get the images to save correctly so what you see is what you get (and just representative).

trust me when i tell you that i am excited to open my shipment of servers.

i will now be able to properly display all my little bites (read: wheat thins and triscuits).

pits

i am grumpy today.

i miss my agency. i miss my girls. i miss little shops where i can find cute cards.

i am trying to make the best of my situation here, even though some days it feels like i will fail no matter what. i miss mattering.

i keep getting emails from former coworkers, wishing me well and telling me to come home. every response i send back is the same: take me back.

i know i left behind a lot to come here, but it's hard when the only thing that is amazing here is the bf.

the weather absolutely does not help. i've been inside all day, and i just might be going stir-crazy.

sigh. with love from arizona.

storm

gasp! breaking news.

it is overcast in phoenix.

i repeat, it is humid, and the clouds are bloated with rain.

hearing a storm last night brought me joy.

i love the rain.

today reminds me of minnesota.

score

other than putting in almost three full days of work over the weekend, it was great.

and i am just getting to write about it today.

we played poker, and i ended up the big winner, raking in a cool sixty.

...of which i promptly returned to the bf, for buying me in in the first place.

at the airport in vegas i played a dollar while waiting at the gate.

i made 5.75 off of that bill. woot woot!

lucky girl this weekend. in many, many ways.

04

happy independence day.

we are heading to pahrump, nevada until sunday.

relaxing with family. gambling. chicken ranching.

smooches times four.

burn

omg is it hot.

the heat. is oppressive.

and i just feel so tired all the time, because i feel like the sun is beating on me.

not to mention i keep getting beat up at the workplace.

all in all, i'm tired.

long weekend? i don't think so. sunday evening meeting.

life is grand.

lounge

on sunday, "we" put this together:



at first, i thought the chaise would be his baby.

but it is surprisingly comfortable, and i love it.

drive

we drove up to kingman, arizona.

it is a wee three-hour drive from phoenix.

beautiful stretch. mountains. valleys. plateaus.

the bf's cousin + family live up there. we spent the weekend playing golf, having lunch, bbq-ing, bouncing around with the kids. the evening ended with a poker game where the bf took all.

it was a lovely time with family.

on the way home, we argued, then sat in silence.

he asked me to pull over on the side of the road.

we held each other and whispered promises.

cars whizzed by us, honking with support.

and it was just him and me.

iittala

i covet these:



and the nesting continues.

houseguest

i left for islip, long island last friday morning.

after a full day of flying, i landed in islip and drove a rental car out to southampton.

of course i got lost.

but when i reached the house, our hosts gave me wonderful instructions for how to get in the house, disarm the alarm, and take a nice, hot bath.

the rest of the weekend went along the same lines.

we spend saturday outside. swimming, sunning, reading, eating, basking. we went to the beach. it was more than lovely.

saturday night the steaks and the martinis came out. i indulged. cigar and all. mm. just the six of us. catching up.

we slept in on sunday and walked around town for a while. late afternoon, i left for the airport, with the bf in tow.

i will leave out the gory travel details*, and just let you know that the flight from islip to philadelphia was delayed, which meant i would miss my connecting flight to phoenix. the bf and i then took a bus from islip to new york, where we barely got on because the bus was so full and there was only one seat available. needless to say, we did not get to sit next to each other. once we arrived in the city, i pricelined a hotel and made a reservation at a marriott courtyard by the JFK airport. my flight was to leave at 7a, but as i stepped out of the shower at 5a, an automated service called my phone to let me know that my flight was delayed by 126 minutes, which in my delirium i took to mean an hour and a half. the bf set me straight on the timing though. i took a quick nap, took a shuttle bus to the airport and arrived just in time for the operator to tell us that traffic was poor so he would drop us off at the rental car station so we could take the air tran. wonderful. i found the correct terminal, and walked up to the security line...

...where i was promptly rejected for having my old boarding pass.

i was told to obtain a new boarding pass, so i went to a kiosk. it wouldn't let me check-in since my boarding time was within a half hour. i looked back at the agent line and knew that i wouldn't make it through in time to catch my flight.

so what did i do? i broke down.

exhausted. crying.

a tsa agent took pity on me and let me go through the employee security line.

only one of my shoes came through on the belt. i looked over and said, "only one shoe came out." he pulled out my other shoe from behind the counter and said, "can i keep this as a souvenir? you are beautiful." like i needed that.

i pulled up to my gate and finally felt like i could relax. i grabbed a starbucks and a scone.

boarded the plane.

and we sat on the runway for an hour more, as we were 35th in line for takeoff.

the joys of flying.

*okay, okay, so i included all the gory details.

miss

msp was wonderful this weekend.

we left phx on friday afternoon, rented a car, and drove up to duluth.

graduation party on saturday with the bf's fam.

it was a beautiful day. perfect for having lunch on the deck.

sunday lunch at edina grill for some pierogies and sweet potato fries with e.

then to crema for a quick afternoon tea with s.

it was lovely. just lovely.

spree

question: which lamp do you prefer?

option a


option b


it's a tough decision, i know.

answer: the one i really like is more expensive. of course. (eye roll)

pillows

i am completely in love with etsy.

i wish i could show you an image of the two pillow covers i just purchased, but i bought them with such speed that the image is lost in internet space.

i found a pair of pillows for $30. with a black and cream alexander henry mid-century modern pattern. who? i don't know, but i am in love with his pattern.

aha!

found 'em:



couldn't you just squeal?!

belly

my bro and his fiancée arrive tonight.

i am very excited to take them around.

there is an out of africa wildlife park in camp verde, arizona.

it sounds like fun, and i think my brother would go out of his mind with all the animals. he's the guy who loves national geographic and animal planet. the chasing. the top ten fights of all time. the migration patterns. all of it.

i also want to take him for dim sum at the golden buddha restaurant in the (ah-hem) chinatown of phoenix.

we also have an ulterior motive for bringing the bro down to phoenix. we need help buying some sort of router that will enable us to walk freely untethered throughout the apartment while still connected to that great source of entertainment, the internets. right now i am typing in my usual spot on the couch, anchored by my laptop. i yearn for the freedom of wireless internet. the bf insists we cannot buy a router without the aid of an expert. i can only guess it's because he will buy the least expensive router he can find while i will inevitably go for the one that matches our decor. amateurs.

that's about it for now - let's hear it for short work weeks! yippee!

shopahol

hope you're having a wonderful holiday weekend.

it's been good for me. the weather in arizona has been ideal.

i know it won't last for very long, but it's feels great today.

nest news:

our new bed.

our new pillows.

and a little something for me:


cheers!

hungery

i was telling the bf about a favorite text message that i received from him.

...remember when we were boarding the plane, you sent me a text message and it said: babe, do you have any food, i'm really hungry...

...and you spelled hungry h-u-n-g-e-r-y...

the bf said, "like the country?"

hot

i have returned.

just in time for a heat advisory.

today, it is may 19. and it hit 110 degrees today. in the desert. where i live.

currently.

there is something very, very wrong about that.

the weekend in minnesota was wonderful. i hear that we stumbled upon the nicest weekend in a while. and i'm glad, because it was so green and bright. and fresh. i could cry just thinking about it.

we had a couples brunch at gigi's on saturday morning. we hung out with my brothers and fiancees. i got my haircut. i went shopping on france avenue and stopped in caribou. e and i had dinner at bagu. on sunday we had breakfast at zumbro cafe. sitting outside at church. playing at a park with the bf's niece and nephews.

i was overwhelmed with how much i have in minnesota.

and when i was flying into arizona this morning, i saw dirt, and mounds of rock, and short, squat buildings.

well, let's just say that my eyes are very tired.

hom

it feels amazing to be back.

on the flight's descent, i could see the outlines of the lakes.

i saw all that blue/green, and i thought:

this is how the world should look.

and then i thought, no, this isn't how the world should look. it's how the world i know looks. sometimes all it takes to gain a little perspective is to see how everything looks from someplace else.

thanks for a great welcome, mn.

hello?

i am seeking minnesota.

here is a typical email from me:

hi there,

hope all is well. things with the bf are great! i love him. and he loves me!

everything else is okay. work is barely okay. the heat is rising. save me!

take me back,
sophie

can anybody hear me out there?! hello??

blech

i am just. so.

emotional.

i am trying to try something new.

i don't know why i thought this might be easy.

it's funny because the easy part is the bf.

the hard part is everything else.

he is leaving for minneapolis today. lucky. i won't be joining him until tomorrow, but i am dreaming about it today. beaujos. broders. the kids. bagu. southdale. brunch at gigi's.

so many great things. see you soon!

eames

the bf and i have been nesting lately.

meaning, i shop online for furniture and he still has full veto power.

he says he's easy, but he's wrong.

we went to an antique trove yesterday, and i spotted this chair:



for $145. i offered $100. they countered at $125. if you want to see it at retail, please see here.

we left the shop without it, and i have been thinking about it since. look at those lines! the design! the simplicity!

the reason that i didn't buy it right away is that i don't think he loves it like i love it. and usually that wouldn't matter, but since we are trying to peacefully cohabit, i want him to like the pieces that we have in our home.

i'm beginning to realize that he won't love everything i love. i just wish he would. or pretend he does. grin.

ma

i miss my mom.

my 'rents are in houston this weekend, en route to san jose in a couple of days.

they called me this morning, all excited that they are getting great deals at the coach store. as usual, my dad asks me if i need anything. as usual, i reply that i don't need anything.

and i don't, because they have always given me everything i have ever needed.

and more.

i missed being the first to call today. my brother beat me. i'll take second though.

just for today.

happy mother's day!

momiji

last night we had dinner with a former co-worker of the bf's and her husband.

we went to malees thai bistro.

appetizers of siamese kisses and crispy vietnamese rolls. pad thai. crispy pla. sticky rice and mango for dessert.

it was a very lovely way to start the weekend.

in other news, i found these online:



i usually don't go for knickknacks, but i fell in love with them!

5.05

it's a new moon tonight.

i am over. whelmed.

i don't know what it is, but there is something about new moons that keep me hopeful. the sky is bigger than a challenging job or an unsure future. the moon will continue to go through phases.

and so i will.

and yet, i will continue to see tiny slivers of moon and big fat chunks of moon and complete whole moon pies.

all i need to do is look up.

om

i am testing out a new yoga studio.

it is within walking distance to work.

my coworkers and i tried it out last thursday.

a yin class, for restoration.

i loved it.

and boy did i need it.

i feel more balanced.

yoga at heart.

mayday

happy first of may.

this is my favorite month. and it has started out favorably.

coincidence? i think not.

for lunch the girls and i went to switch.

i had the pesto beef panini with a hot jasmine tea.

yummy!

the best part was some fun get-away-from-work gab time.

invited to a first friday pre-party for tomorrow night. it will be a lovely evening for a downtown artwalk.

cheers to a great new month.

clink!

miss

i have never lived anywhere other than minnesota.

and i am trying to regain my footing. in a place that is different to me.

it gets hotter daily, and i am still just warming up.

i am optimistic.

there are nooks that have yet to be explored.

and cuisine to be sampled. fine dining to be had.

i just wish i didn't miss everything i used to have so much.

xoxo

so

today i found out that my ex is married.

married. like he has a wife. he is someone's husband.

it threw me.

i need time to recover.

welcome

we have our first apartment-guest this weekend.

a sweet, uptight businessman from manhattan.

we're not quite sure what to do with him yet, as most of our nights involve shopping online for a bed frame or shorts for the bf. thrilling, in other words.

we do have some never-tried-here-before options:

asia de cuba at the mondrian

roka akor

sedona

cafe zuzu at the hotel valley ho

frank lloyd wright's taliesin west

i am looking forward to the company. it will give us a chance to check out places that we haven't been.

i hope m won't mind the inflatable bed we have waiting for him.

up

i woke up this morning refreshed.

last night we went to a diamondbacks game. they were winning 9 to nothing by the seventh inning stretch, so we left early.

the bf and i bought a new sofa from ikea. it's black leather. exactly what you'd want in the hot arizona sun, right?

i bought pillows to make it brighter:



what do you think? i love them.

work

okay.

i o u one good post.

it might not be today, but i will try someday soon.

right now i am frustrated with my new job.

i feel like they are setting me up for failure.

maybe failure is too good a word. because at least that would be something.

i feel like they are setting me up for nothing.

to come from my shop in minneapolis, to this, at this salary, for this role, with these responsibilities.

it all smacks of b.s. to me.

so i rant. and i rave. and everyone around me listens.

but the only one who can change it is me.

day

i can't help it.

seeing someone else on her wedding day makes me wish for my own.

it was beautiful. emotional. sweet.

just the way it should be.

kauai

everything here is surreal.

i feel like i am surrounded by a universe so beautiful it cannot possibly be there.

the palm leaves against the blue sky. the roosters roaming. that clear dimensional water. layered blues, greens, and rusts.

and yet. i know this holiday is one where i am riding out my patience. where i already have none.

traveling with the bf's family, while still dear, is much like traveling with my own family.

except. far, far worse. because i can't get upset or control any of them. they are not my own. and they are not mine to manage.

no one knows how to be quiet. drivers licenses have seemingly dissolved while crossing the ocean (read: the bf and i drive. everyone. everywhere. anytime). the sleeping arrangements. family drama.

the typical loving family holiday.

but it is beautiful here. and the moments that the bf and i have stolen have made the whole holiday worth it.

i have rubbed his back on the lanai. our frequent shuttling have allowed us minutes of privacy. we indulged in chocolate-covered macadamia nuts and watched the colbert report in his makeshift bedroom (read: laundry room). we support each other with smiles and winces.

he and i will need a post-holiday holiday upon return.

update

in kauai for the bf's sister's wedding.

it is so beautiful here!

i'll be back soon.

thank you for all the wonderful wishes.

xoxo.

sophienix

it's been a couple of days.

just trying to get into work. and deal with the weather.

the driving here is atrocious.

it's going to be a new adventure, right?

kiss kiss from arizona.

mwah

today is the big day.

i officially fly down to arizona this evening, to start work tomorrow morning.

and begin a new adventure.

i will miss too many things to name.

i will miss too many people to forget.

but i will be back, better than i am today.

take care. see you soon.

(>*<)

i mean, i don't even know what i am thinking.

how could i possibly leave all this?!



it's like a winter wonderland. during the supposed lamb of march.

spring in minnesota is here at last!

ginger

happy spring.

i've been into ginger ale lately.

we went to cafe maude on sunday and the bartender made his own.

it was lovely. 7-up. bitters. something else but i can't remember.

i want to go back just for that.

morning

dark moment passed.

running to target to buy some storage bins for my clothes. i am making progress.

in non-moving news, how cute is this?



it's bright and happy, like i want to be.

nightfall

i wish i wasn't here.

i feel like i am doing this by myself. i am exhausted. i don't eat anymore. i barely sleep, and i am always tired. i am losing weight. i am a day late. and i am so tense i feel like i am carrying every box i pack on my shoulders.

i didn't ask for this.

stuff

they are picking up my car today.

i hired an auto transportation service as part of my relocation package.

it's not a grand sum, but i'll move my car down to arizona with it.

and if i don't have to drive it, even better.

suddenly this whole moving thing has become all too real.



bye bye betty. see you in phoenix. try not to scare that h3 riding with you.

box

omg. packing is hard work when you are as obsessive-compulsive as i am.

everything is just a tad more difficult.

note: i went to office max and spent $15.99/10 pack of storage boxes. i bought three packs. white storage boxes. the kind of storage boxes you typically store files in. why? because they are pretty. they have lids. i figure when we are done with the move, we will be able to use them again. for what? to store all our files.

now i have 16 made and filled. 14 to go. pretty soon i will have 30 filled pretty storage boxes and i will find that i have not yet started on my clothes. those will go in rubbermaid bins that i invested in during college.

somebody save me from myself.

farewell

last day at work.

funny to think that i came in wanting to give advertising a second chance.

or perhaps it was the other way around.

regardless of how i got there, i came out knowing that i am great at what i do.

i cried a lot today. hugs that went on forever. it was emotional.

my favorite breakfast, a croissant from turtle bread co. and a jasmine tea from caribou, were my first presents.

the gifts were fabulous. especially the huge bottle of aloe from the president and my boss. the better to battle the sunburns with! daffodils. tulips. a framed photo. a starbucks card. jasmine tea. starbursts. a peanut butter rice krispie bar. it was too much, and it was too sweet. everything brought fresh tears.

but really, the tokens were nothing compared to the words.

my supervisor said that there would be a hole in the agency's heart when i leave. i told her that i will forever consider myself the agency's heart murmur.

looking back, i feel so lucky that i found a group of people to call family. it was an honor to work with such an amazing team of people. at a workplace that felt like home.

so long. take care. see you soon. lots of love. cheers. best wishes. thank you.

el

tonight i had another lovely pinochle night with e. for a while now we have had set girl dates, every tuesday night.

we went to el meson for a dominicana salad and tamales.

and a bottle of nerola.

we toasted and avoided conversation around my impending move.

both kind of in denial with each other.

we toasted to long distance pinochle nights and laughed about people we know. talked about my farewell party and boys she has dated. rolled our eyes at a familiar face in the restaurant. fluttered our eyelashes at our gentleman waiter. inhaled our dinners and desserted with key lime pie. swirled our wine. relived memory after memory.

i am going to miss so many things about minneapolis.

but i am really going to miss e.

dos

an offer was made on our number two:



affectionately called "the bathroom house" or "the house with the bathroom" because once you see it, you know.

the european open bathroom rocks. my. world.

see the room beyond the bowl sinks? that's the shower.

the rest of the house is pretty great too. i just can't get over that bathroom.

home

update on the move:

yesterday, we made an offer on this house:



in scottsdale.

our offer expired at 11a today. we didn't hear anything.

back to the drawing board.

follow-up

eye check-up over the lunch hour.

he peered at my ulcer.

he dropped a dye in my eye.

he pushed back his chair and said:

i would go without your contacts at least through sunday.

oh no. i widened my eyes. pained expression.

do you have something going on this weekend?

i am going to vegas on saturday and would like to wear my contacts.

and just like that, my wish was granted.*

off! being forced to wear glasses isn't as fun as you might think.

*contingent upon a couple of things, but i'll manage.

white

for spring, i want this:



and this:



thank you.

eye

i have an eye ulcer.

yes. an ulcer. in my eye.

of all things.

ulcericity (what? it's a word) in eyes happens when you a) have an infection or b) lack of oxygen and/or hydration.

since i didn't have an infection, i can only conclude that this was due to a deep nap in arizona. while wearing contacts.

and now, i will always have a scar. oh, brutal, cruel ulcer.

upon hearing my diagnosis,

i asked my opthalmologist the following most important questions:

1. what color will the scar be? (a: white)
2. where will the scar be on my eye? (at first the answer was a: where it hurts! and then the a was: on your cornea)

which lead to this:

3. what is my cornea? (at which point i hopefully answered myself: the white part?)
4. i'll have a white scar on the white part of my eye? (a: no, your cornea is where the lens goes)
5: my contact lens? (a: yes)

and i finally got it: oh, the brown part. gasp! having a white scar on the brown part of my eye is worse than having a white scar on the white part of my eye!

6. will people be able to see it? (a: not unless they are really close to you or you know people with a microscope)
7. will i be able to see it? (a: not unless you are looking for it)

wail: i don't want to be able to see it!

8. will it get smaller? (a: it will fade in time and you will hardly notice it)

i kept pulling out my little compact to find my new little scar. i found it, and then i kept finding it until he finally said,
stop looking at it!

hmph.

now

okay, here's what's new:

i am moving to arizona.

it's scary and the bf and i have been fighting a lot lately.

a lot.

so when the opportunity came for me to move, i took it.

we've been fighting ever since, which made me believe i might have made a big mistake.

on saturday night we were exhausted from being exhausted with each other. i read a book in bed while he watched some television. when he came to bed, i left the bedroom.

i purposely slept on the couch.

in the wee hours, i felt him stand over me, scoop me up, and bring me to bed.

he wrapped me up in his arms, and i finally felt like it was going to be okay.

and it will be.

new

it is quite different

to spend the first day of a new month.

in a new place.

and i mean that both literally and figuratively.

happy march!

yes

i gave my answer.*

i am so many feelings all at once.

mostly terrified. somewhat excited.

and hoping that everything will come together.

*not to the question you think, my dears.

poof

a friend told me a guy called me "hot" today.

i flew on that for a little while.

i mean, it's outdated and unoriginal, but i'll take it.

then he told me that he also said you should get on that.

and everything lost its magic.

as if!

heart

no words today.

lots of threads running through my brain.

thoughts all cross-puzzled together.

i hope that you had a more straightforward day than me.

so the running joke at work lately has been that i have no heart.

a la:

"is there a scar where they took your heart out?"

"have you found your heart yet?"

"what's it like not to have a heart?"

my favorite retorts:

"i found my heart. it was run over by your car."

"i found my heart. it's in the garbage next to yours."

"i found my heart in arizona. it fills the grand canyon!"

i work very, very hard.

connect

it is even worse

when we are in the same city

and i still can't reach you.

friday

it's a big day for me.

wish me luck and send me good thoughts.

i'll cross my fingers for you too.

love love.

eclipse

a full moon lunar eclipse.

it was surreal. looked like it wasn't happening, but was, just barely.

it was beautiful. haunting universe.

they say there is finality that comes with a lunar eclipse: endings, closings of doors. and i believe it. sometimes doors open so quickly you don't have time to think. i hold my breath and hope for the best. when a door closes though, i can hear it shut. i feel the closure. a sense of another chapter completed. reflections of something passed and wishes for the next big thing.

it is strange what the moon tells us.

song

you're the one i love. you made me feel like a million bucks. i was made for you. cause i love you more than i could ever promise. and you take me the way i am. when the rain is blowing in your face. and the whole world is on your case. i can offer you a warm embrace. to make you feel my love. i could make you happy make your dreams come true. nothing that i wouldn't do. go to the ends of the earth for you. to make you feel my love. as sure as night is dark and day is light. i keep you on my mind both day and night. and happiness i've known proves that it's right. because you're mine. i walk the line. i'd love to rest my heavy head tonight on a bed of california stars. i love to feel your hand touching mine. it's always better when we're together. wherever you're going, i'm going your way. two drifters off to see the world. there's such a lot of world to see. star-crossed souls slow-dancing. retreating and advancing. across the sky and 'til the end of time. look to your soul for the things that you know. let me in. unlock the door. i never felt this way before. for you i'd wait, 'til kingdom come.

i'm stranded at the edge of the world.

=love

want to know how i know the bf loves me?

the last time i was in his office, i commented on his colored binder clips.

i work in a creative field, and all we have are the slick black ones.

if you know me, you know i love organization. i love office supplies more than i should.

the next time i saw him, guess what he brought me?

that's right. that's how i know.

tmi

should have been the title of yesterday's post.

today i am speaking fewer words. letting most of the day sink in.

i have an ouch on my mouth. in the corner. it's not a cold sore. but it's something.

and i don't like it.

wait, is this another one of those tmi posts?

darn it.

zip

another weekend flown by.

family crammed in on friday evening. dinner out. playing sequence with the brothers and their gfs. separate bedrooms at my 'rents house, so the bf is loathe to go to bed. he talks (read: seduces with his cuddling skills) me into laying on the couch with him until the wee hours. shopping in the morning followed by a lunch, stopping by a friend's house, and the bf and i were off.

back to minneapolis for more family time. his brother and sister-in-law. two nephews and a lovely niece. i say lovely because she is when she wants to be. we brought gifts for the kids. next time remind me to get three of the same present, it will work out better that way.

in the evening we sort-of watch spiderman on the tele. the bf opens his bills. we cuddle on the blueberry couch until i get crabby because he tells me he doesn't have enough room. could i scoot back more? no, i could not.

waking up next to the bf is beyond blissful. even though i had another dream about him last night. this time with my girlfriend, n! gasp. i know that dreams are quite unreal but sometimes they make me angry anyway.

we try to make it to mcd's breakfast before 11a. we pull in at 11:02a. they were already serving lunch. *#^. we hit bruegger's instead. we saw there will be blood. it just wasn't for me. it was brilliantly cast, but that's about it. i wish i could have those three hours back. the bf got a haircut. i got to meet his stylist, ronnie. i bought a dress for his sister's wedding. i had to order it because they didn't have my size in store.

i'm not ready for monday yet.