so happy december.

it's a good month - a reflective month.

i look back and i think: this year was amazing. in so many ways.

but mostly in that i am the mother of the most darling little girl on earth. she sleeps through the night. just in time for thanksgiving. and boy were we thankful.

i resolve to blog more so i don't forget this magical time of our lives.

renew

so funny. typically i think of rejuvenation in the springtime, but down in arizona, fall is completely refreshing.

when the degrees drop things suddenly seem crisper. sharper.

i love it. we are starting the most gorgeous time of year here.

and we wait all summer long for it.

down

i find that when i have a problem i become obsessed with figuring it out.

i need. to. understand.

i pour over articles. search online. ask everyone. look for clues. that one golden nugget. the answer.

and this time i know i will never find it. and it's killing me.

because nothing, no excuse, no reason, no explanation, no answer, is good enough.

and yet. i keep asking. i keep searching. and i keep spinning.

i know it's not good for me, i know that i am the source of my own downward spiral.

but i can't help it.

there just has to be a way to move forward for me.

sigh

ugh. definitely not loving my personal life at the moment.

completely, utterly heartbroken.

hopeless.

and i'm only trying to find my way, wherever that might be.

:(

it must be nice.

to live.

not knowing.

the bad things.

i think i would like to get back to there someday. i don't know whether that means moving forward or moving back.

or both.

but i do know that tonight is the loneliest night i've spent in a very, very long time.

pineapple

goodness. weeks fly by nowadays.

i'm loving the whole mama thing. it kind of surprises me. i was always the "no i don't need to hold the baby" and "i'm going to teach my kid to make mama a martini" kind of girl.

and yet she has completely changed my world.

but in some ways i am still totally, irreversibly, me.



take this pineapple ring. i am in love with it. i need it. i gotta have it.

practical? no. could scratch baby! but i love it!

one

dear esme,

inspired by tina fey, starting to write down my thoughts for you.

in your first five weeks, you have completely changed our lives and brought us immense joy.

you are so strong. you lifted your head straight up after a couple of days home from the hospital. i think that will be a recurring theme in your life, as you continue to show signs of amazing strength. the grunts that come from you when you are unhappy. the noises you make to let us know when you are unhappy. the gas smiles. the *real* smiles. your frightened whimper. the coos and sighs. sometimes when you look at me i swear you know me. you despise pooping. and you hate dirty diapers even more (just like mama!). the way you can scream bloody murder and suddenly go straight-faced when there is a nipple in your mouth. i call it your first trick. grin. you definitely dislike being put down. you fight sleep like you fight the swaddle that reigns you in and keeps you from flailing and waking yourself up. you sleep in poses. and your nightmares break my heart.

you make me smile every day.

i love watching you interact with your pop. i can't stop taking pictures of the two of you napping together. already daddy's little girl at five weeks old. we joke about you and pop spending the retirement money while i live in some one-bedroom apartment all alone.

the other day:

h: what should i have her call me? pop or dad?

those questions completely melt me.

thank you for coming into our lives. we are better with you in our world.

lizlemon

cannot wait to read her book. if only for this prayer. because now i understand:

"THE MOTHER'S PRAYER FOR ITS DAUGHTER"

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered,

May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half

And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her

When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the nearby subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock N’ Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance.

Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes

And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.

Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long,

For Childhood is short -- a Tiger Flower blooming

Magenta for one day --

And Adulthood is long and Dry-Humping in Cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever,

That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers

And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister,

Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends,

For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord,

That I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 a.m., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck.

“My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental note to call me. And she will forget.

But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.

race

i couldn't help myself. even though 18 months seems far away from now, i bought this for bebe girl:



she's getting a speedster. i love the lines on this toy racer - there was a pink/purple version as well, but it looked juvenile and wasn't nearly as slick-looking. plus, the h and i just aren't into decking her out in girlie girl colors.

i can't wait - it's going to look so sweet in her nursery!

moirae

hello.

we had "newborn"/family pics taken yesterday by these guys.

i like their style.

turns out, they like ours as well:

Studio Moirae

I am without words when it comes to telling you all about today's baby session. Give me a newborn and a house that has so much style, detail and color, and I'm giddy with excitement! Ok... think back to when you were 7, in school and the recess bell rings.... Thats how I felt! AMAZING session and rad family! Pinch me please! Eeeek!

prior to our session at 11a, i asked how long it would last. forty-five minutes to two hours, depending on how the little one cooperates.

um, yeah. three hours. for us. of course. she is my daughter, you know.

i hope we got some good ones - i'm excited to send out birth announcements!

alphabet

i just ordered this for bebe's room:



poster of the alphabet in italian - a nod to the hub's background. i'm looking for an ornate wooden frame in gold.

i am SO excited about it! i've been obsessed with e's nursery lately. i just want it to be very, very lovely for her when we transition her to crib (sniff).

black&white

how delicious:



so modern and fabulous. i want.

e

23 days.

and every day gets sweeter.

it's silly how in love i am with this precious little girl.

thanks for the lovely thoughts. i'll be back soon.

bebe!

totally unlike her father or her mother, bebe g came early!

two weeks early.

mere days after my "finishing up the nursery" post, i awoke at 2a on monday with contractions. ouch. i was convinced it was just false labor so i tried to power through for 45 minutes, walking around, changing positions, closing my eyes, hoping for a pass. yeah right. 45 minutes later i woke the husband.

for the next four hours, we labored at home. we timed contractions. we took naps in between. i vividly remember my contractions lasting about a minute and a half and peaking at 45 seconds. each time one started it got worse and worse until i thought i would pass out at 45 seconds, so i made husband help me to each 45, when the contraction would mercifully start to subside.

i took a shower. ate some wheat thins (they don't let you eat once you get to the hospital so i was trying to get some energy in). we called my clinic. they told us to go in anytime (i guess contractions anywhere from 5 - 13 minutes apart is okay). the h packed. he said we should labor at home as much as we could. i told him that if we missed the epidural window he would be severely punished.

our ten minute drive to the hospital was quite the ordeal. i couldn't handle the contractions. arrived around 7:30a. i doubled over at the registration desk and couldn't speak i was crying and in so much pain. they whisked me away to a room, iv'd me up.

a nurse asked if i wanted an epidural. i couldn't say yes fast enough.

an hour later, around 9:30a, the anesthesiologist came in for the epidural. i was completely terrified. they talk you through it but you can't see it so it's doubly scary. but it didn't hurt. everything felt the way he described it.

after the epi kicked in, the h and i napped. for hours. i felt dull contractions, pulsing, like things were happening, but honestly i was so tired that i slept through them.

when the nurse checked in on us at 11:30a, she let me know that i was already 10 cm dilated and ready to push! the hubs, of course, was en route to the car to get his laptop. i'm sure he thought it would be quite a while until the big show. ERT. wrong. she told me we could wait until he got back to begin pushing.

around noon, we did a test push. total weirdness. i could feel sensation, but no pain. therefore, i had absolutely no idea if i was truly pushing or not. i have to admit, in the beginning i wasn't giving it my all. i was scared to tear.

the h came back.

pushing began. during a contraction, i would inhale deeply, then hold my breath and push. counterintuitive because i wanted to breathe through the pushing. right? i pushed until i was red in the face and used my feet/legs as leverage. goodness it was hard, even though it wasn't painful.

an hour and eleven minutes later, approximately 1:11, the doctor told me to look down (read: no way) and bebe girl popped out screaming! they plopped her on my chest and we just stared at her. i cried. the hubs was crying. as soon as i started talking she calmed down. must have recognized mama's voice! hubs cut the umbilical cord and they whisked her away to be cleaned off.

holding her for the first time was the most amazing experience of my life. we made her. and she is the most beautiful thing i have ever seen.

stuff

so. we're finishing up bebe's room.

this morning i woke up at 7a. suddenly that's not so difficult for me to do. grin. foreshadowing i suppose.

i went to see lili, my favorite aesthetician, to get waxed and pretty. thank goodness for 8:15a saturday appointments!

then i went to ikea, ah-hem, half an hour before they opened. picked up a couple of things for the nursery.




the lamp is for those wee hour feedings. the rug for right in front of the changing dresser. all the diapers we'll be changing! the room is coming together nicely and i think it looks fabulous. i just bought a faux bamboo brass tray for the changing table to keep everything i need close.

and this:



i have had such a thing for elephants lately. weird. hope it's just part of my nesting phase. giggle.

swing

i hear that babies love swings.

sigh. i don't. i don't like the way baby swings look. shudder. i despise pastels. and soft gooey themes. little lambs. pink butterflies. even the fisher-price zen swing looks ginormous and unappealing to me. i know, i know, it's for the baby. but i'm the one who has to look at it! baby won't even notice! i just don't want to spend money on something that would typically make me barf.

i've been looking and looking for a less offensive swing model for bebe.

and yesterday....ta-dah:



magic. someone awesome had to custom paint and custom reupholster, but at $45? sold.

rain

a lovely weekend.

on saturday i found myself up at 7:30a feeling super energetic.

i ran down to world market to get baby shower favors. michaels for ribbon. ups to drop off two packages (read: when you register for presents online, you end up sending back a ton of stuff). mcdonalds breakfast (heehee) for the h and me.

the work ladies threw me a lovely shower. we played the jellybean in a bottle game (i lost). diaper on a teddy bear races (i lost). and the candy bar in a diaper game (win!). i suppose i had to attend at least one shower with all the games. it was such a nice time. i was overwhelmed with how women can come together in support. sigh. makes me sniffly because all three showers were such great reminders of how wonderful my friends and family are right now.

such lovely lovelies.

onecm

um.

supposedly i am 1 centimeter dilated.

[insert silent squeal here]

shhhhh. wouldn't want bebe to know that i am freaking out.

i know that it means i could go in four weeks. or four days. i also know that i need to stay calm. and hydrated. and that it's okay that the baby wipes aren't here yet, neither the stroller nor the carseat in the car. i don't have a breastpump. we haven't had a chance to check out the daycare i want. i still have haircut and wax appointments made. my parents are not flying in until april eighteenth. i have another baby shower this saturday. i have not pre-ordered birth announcements.

sigh. oh well, ready as we'll ever be.

huh

apparently entering my last couple months of pregnancy isn't making me a better blogger. (sheepish grin).

some niceties from this past week even though i worked like a madwoman:

* i can't wait to meet your baby. i think she's going to be beautiful. (coworker)
* you are one gorgeous pregnant lady. (stranger at walmart, of all places)

some not so nice, courtesy of the h's grandmother:

* why do you have to work so late?
* some women who go back to work after they have a baby end up putting all their paycheck to daycare anyway. or they just work for nicer clothes
* you need to buy dawn/mop/pie dish/roasting pan/measuring cup
* i don't know how to work your can opener. you're going to have to come home over lunch to show me
* long hair is a blessing for a woman, a shame for a man (said to the h - ouch)

it's been a long week. sigh.

sjd

the h and i are headed to cabo tomorrow morning.

i cannot wait. this week has been brutal.

and the onslaught of the h's family coming to visit us in the upcoming month (!) is unreal:

[we pause the writing of this post to let you know that bebe has hiccups!]

2.17 - 2.21: his brother/sister-in-law + four kids and his sister/brother-in-law
2.20 - 2.27: his mother and her boyfriend
2.28 - 3.15: his grandmother

i wonder if the universe is just trying my patience. preparing me for little one. although i have to admit, i do love playing hostess. i love filling my house with guests.

who knows? all i know is that i need this mini-babymoon.

leave

at the end of the day yesterday i received some disappointing news.

i guess you never think that you're really going to have to choose between being a mother and having the career that you want.

they tell you that you can have it all.

but in reality, the people that you think are behind you the most, are actually the ones keeping you from getting there.

it's sad really, but i suppose we just reconfigure our expectations and move on.

lemishine

so there are certain things in our home that drive me bonkers.

for one, our dishwasher.

arizona has hard water. super crazy hard water.

i'm talking, it's embarassing the white residue left on our glasses. after that, even handwashing doesn't take care of it. which drives me even more nuts. we stopped drying in the hopes that would work. nope. now everything comes out residue-y AND wet, so i use the drying rack a lot more. big drips of white come off of everything. it worries me. i don't want bebe ingesting that.

i am determined to find a fix.

enter: this little guy.



i refused to buy it for $17.99 off amazon. i tracked it down at an ace hardware for $5.99. i've heard that it's available at wal-mart for $3, but ace is closer for me.

i am now running it in an empty dishwasher and making a wish.

next home peeve: pigeons on the patio

thx

the boss told me today, you really are beautiful pregnant, sophie.

what a wonderful thing to hear. unexpected.

and on a monday, of all days. i love compliments. this year, instead of my usual, oh, stop, i'd love to be able to breathe out a sincere thank you.

a world of difference. replying to a true kindness with gratitude. too often i think i brush off nice words instead of acknowledging and responding gracefully. but not this year. i'm growing a little lady and i have to remember to be a lady.

and today, i was exactly that.

thank you.

class

we have started birthing classes.

what about a three-hour class, for three consecutive weeks, from 6:30 to 9:30p, sounds wrong for pregnant women in their third trimester?

everything.

atlanta

atlanta last weekend.

it was a whirlwind tour, but i met my girl a to help her look for wedding gowns. she had recently move from mexico city to santiago, chile, and didn't have a strong support of girlfriends built in the city yet.

so a chance work trip to atlanta let me be there for her.

i arrived late on friday night and we woke up to a full day of shopping! we spent a fabulous four hours here. we met lori and monte. a picture was taken. dozens of dresses were tried on. monte twirled a on the runway and all the girls gasped. he said i looked like a rope that swallowed a bowling ball. what a lovely time. those southerners really know how to make a girl feel special. grin.

we were starving after all that shopping. we were directed to a mexican/seafood place but discovered that it was in a strip mall. fast food. a quick yelp search and decided that this place sounded good. we ended up driving out of our way to another strip mall. to another fast food place. hilarious.

hotel. nap. and then to ecco. delightful.

next day, more shopping. time was so short and it was way to cold there, but it was just the girl-time that i needed.

teababy

i bought my first round of baby clothes!







could you just freak out? i knew when i unleashed, i would go wild. i think we're good for a while now. grin.

past

i've been having weird dreams lately.

past images coming back to haunt me with different messages. i suppose it's a side effect of the pregnancy, but i can't help but reflect. it's that time of year.

ex boyfriends. footprints stretching out my skin. old i love yous. motorcycle rides with boys. broken promises. fights that never happened. makeups disappeared. i. can't. reach. you.

yet. every morning i wake up.

and i'm glad i'm home.