squeeze

the bf and i talked about our relationship fears last night.

whispered, in the dark.

i asked him what he was afraid of. he told me. we discussed. i never know if talking about us is easy for him.

he asked me what i was afraid of.

i couldn't answer for a while.

i tossed and wiggled my feet around. i exhaled and shut my eyes tightly.

i found the words this time.

he answered, "i wouldn't worry about that."

and my tense heart relaxed.

how was i?

and then i found two hickeys on my neck.

mango

dried mangoes from manila are the best.

the bf, in an effort to bring me back something from his travels and get me to eat, brought me dried mango slices. phillipine carabao mangoes.

i am in love with them.

my mom and i both love dried fruit. she is a big fan of mango and plums, and i like mangoes and pineapples.

but i have never tasted any dried fruit as fantastic as these. they actually melt in my mouth. mmm. it's like i am having my own mango tasting party of one. where's the music? let's dance!

i have a 32 ounce bag of it, and i am already scheming ways to get more.

i am insanely meticulous about preserving the freshness of these mangoes, squeezing the excess air out of the bag before resealing.

are you kidding me? how did these get to be so delightful?

he's back!

the angels said it best:

he went away and you hung around
and bothered me every night
and when i wouldn't go out with you
you said things that weren't very nice.

my boyfriend's back and you're gonna be in trouble
(hey la, hey la, my boyfriend's back)
when you see him comin' you better cut out on the double
(hey la, hey la, my boyfriend's back)
you've been spreadin' lies that i was untrue
(hey la, hey la, my boyfriend's back)
so look out now 'cause he's comin' after you
(hey la, hey la, my boyfriend's back)

hey he knows what you've been tryin'
and he knows that you've been lyin'

he's been gone for such a long time
(hey la, hey la, my boyfriend's back)
now he's back and things will be fine
(hey la, hey la, my boyfriend's back)
you're gonna be sorry you were ever born
(hey la, hey la, my boyfriend's back)
'cause he's kinda big and he's awful strong
(hey la, hey la, my boyfriend's back)

hey, he knows i wasn't cheatin'
now you're gonna get a beatin'

what made you think he'd believe all your lies
(wah-ooo, wah-ooo)
you're a big man now but he'll cut you down to size
(wah-ooo)
wait and see

my boyfriend's back, he's gonna save my reputation
(hey la, hey la, my boyfriend's back)
if i were you, i'd take a permanent vacation
(hey la, hey la, my boyfriend's back)

hey i can see him comin'
now you better start a-runnin'

(wah-ooo, wah-oo)
wait and see!

my boyfriend's back he's gonna save my reputation
(hey la, hey la my boyfriend's back)
yeah my boyfriend's back, well he's back now
my boyfriend's back
well I can see he's comin', so you better get a runnin' alright now

do over

here is an email to e:

"hope your day is going well!

mine sure is. :) except, well, i’ll tell you later. i think i might be going slightly crazy.

strike that! i am not crazy. not today.

how are you?

talk to me!!! i am going crazy.

blink blink."

yikes.

ack!

okay. i am not going to get crazy.

scene: lunch, firelake grill, downtown. four working gals.

me: the bf is in manila.
s: really? manila? you must trust your bf a lot!
me: why?
s: i heard it's crazy over there!
me: like, how crazy?
s: like, prostitution and stuff!
me: what are suggesting? my bf is a...patron?!

and no, i am not suggesting. i am not even entertaining the thought. but...i haven't heard from him in two days.

what am i supposed to think?!

thoughts

i read the modern love column late saturday night.

in the grip of nature's own form of birth control, in turn, gripped me.

as i read about a 38 year-old struggling to have a child, my emotions took over.

fright shook me, to the deepest part of me, until i realized i was holding my breath.

the tears came naturally.

it was little, actually, a mini-weep.

i am not 38, but circumstances have forced me to think about the fragility of my own clock, the one that i assumed ticked on my command.

when i am ready.

except my biggest fear is that i will not be able to have what i want, when i want, because i will not be able.

machine

so...i completely have sex on the brain.

all i wanna do...is do the bf.

i can't stop thinking about it. doesn't help that i can't tell him. i haven't heard from him in a good 24 hours now. ouch.

but you know what else is great? morning after breakfast. strike that. morning of breakfast. and guess what i stumbled across while internet shopping?

this:



oh happy day! i love breakfast sandwiches. i realize i don't need a machine to make one, but it sure seems like it would be easier with than without. i am fully convinced that i will be happier and more satisfied armed with this machine while poaching an egg, toasting an english muffin, and warming meat. at the same time. minor exertion and waiting five minutes for a perfect mc...sophie.

breakfast or me? both, thank you very much.

dream

the bf called today to tell me about a dream that he woke up with:

"we were at a pretty nice place having dinner...

[like arby's? or fuddruckers?]

and stranded was playing...

[awww]

and there were people around us...

[and then we did it?]

but we kept dancing...

[so we didn't do it?]

and the song never ended. we just kept dancing."

(not) me

tried to go xmas shopping today.

not in the mood for crowds, but since s was in uptown i decided to join her.

i ended up buying a pair of light grey and cream polka dotted gloves for a present.

another one down.

i passed on a hat for me and a pair of shoes for...me. i'm trying to focus on being the gift giver.

later, online, i found this:


and fell in love.

what do you say? one for you. one for me.

day after

happy day!

i don't know why, but i feel new.

i think the grog of the past week has lifted.

that, and hearing the bf's voice.

he keeps telling me he misses me.

and it feels wonderful.

even from far, far away, his voice reminds me of home.

waver?!

this past weekend we spent a lot of time at the chambers hotel.

i love it.

on friday night, we took our guests from nyc there for drinks after dinner.

and guess who i saw?

yes even! totally unexpected.

we talked, he asked how i was doing. blah blah small talk yada yada.

he asked me what i was doing for thanksgiving.

i gave him the same drill i gave everyone else: my parents are in asia. my bros will be with girlfriends. in short, i am a lonely orphan this thanksgiving. wah.

"so you're not doing anything for thanksgiving?"

i laughed, told him that i would be okay.

"you could always come to my sister's house."

screeeeech.

excuse me? bold move for someone i haven't talked to for more than five minutes. also bold move considering he gave me his phone number and i have never used it. triply bold for bringing me an iced tea and expecting me to spend thanksgiving with him. are you serious?

eep. i politely thanked him and proceeded to write him off, making a mental note not to recognize him if there ever was a next time.

except...he came back.

this time, with friend in tow, he asked me again if i would like to join him for thanksgiving. again, i said no thank you. firm, but gentle. don't. make. me. be. mean. to. you.

seriously.

gobble

happy thanksgiving.

i am deeply grateful for my friends and family.

okay. my mom bought me a box of chocolates because i broke down and told her about my flawed uterus and ovaries.

to my mom, food will remedy all problems, emotional and physical.

so i have a box of my favorite chocolates, which e and i enjoyed last night. along with a bottle of white wine. and lots of girltime. cherished girltime with one of my favorite girls.

baci chocolates. mmm. there is a love wish on every wrapper.

three times now, i have gotten the same one: "love lies hidden all around. all you need to do is find it."

written in several languages on parchment paper, my favorite is always the italian version: "la felicita e nascosta dappertutto, basta scovarla."

and as a believer in signs, i really think there is something to it.

love is everywhere. sometimes not so hidden. sometimes already found.

dammi tanti baci

sigh

if i could type out an exhale, that is what the title of this blog would be.

i need a breather. from everything.

sluggish indifference.

it's just. i think i want something different.

the bf went on holiday today.

where is he going? manila.

with whom? his friend, t.

when is he coming back? ____________

i don't know. i didn't ask the right question that would have led to the right answer for me to know.

i am so tired of pretending not to care with someone who doesn't care to tell me things.

just go. and when you return maybe i'll come back.

p.s.

sometimes i feel like we know little about each other.

other times, i feel like we've come a long way.

most of the time, we do not know more than we care to, and care too much about what we do know.

i feel at home with the kind of love we have, strangely content, my restless heart is rarely at peace.

because you know what? if this isn't it, at least i got here.

and if i have to start over? i will be okay.

you're old!

the bf turns 30 today.

reasons why dating a 30 year-old isn't so bad:

1. he has been out of college way longer than i have.
2. i can make fun of the hairs coming out of his ears.
3. his chicken legs certainly won't get any skinner.
4. people will think he is a creep for going out with someone 10 years younger
5. he still has the stamina of a 29 year-old.
6. soon his frail body will be powerless over my strong, young limbs.
7. he will be an inspiration to younger guys on how to get a hot gf.
8. i can still run my fingers through his unruly, un-30-like hair.
9. any massages and foot rubs i give will be more beneficial and probably include better rewards.
10. he will always be older and wiser, but inversely less fun, than me.

the bf wrote me an email today. his staff gave him a bottle of wine, a singing card, a box of crayons (64 with built in sharpener).

how could i possibly top that? hey! there are boxes with even more crayons than 64.

i am on it.

happy birthday, princess.

gotcha

the bf and i never went out of town.

for months, i have been planning a surprise dinner for his birthday.

we showed up at lucia's with minor hoopla.

the bf was supposed to run in and pick up a cake for s.

he went in the bakery door. no cake and no party.

he went in the main door. no cake and no party.

e had to send the host over to fetch him.

fifteen minutes later, i walked in and took a breath.

the restaurant is gorgeous, and the lighting is fantastic. the little kraft boxes, topped with an old b&w photo of the bf, filled with silver kisses and blue doves, wrapped in navy blue rafia, a little present on each guest's plate, made my evening. the food was fabulous, the conversation was lively, and the triple layer devil's food cake was the finale. sigh.

he said he was not surprised. but he was surprised at who came to celebrate. his family and some really good friends.

the toast i wanted to make:
"may you always be blessed with walls for the wind. a roof for the rain. a warm cup of tea by the fire. laughter to cheer you. those you love near you. and all that your heart might desire."

an appropriate blessing for the appropriately blessed.

bam

aargh. i have been putting up a good fight against this cold that has been creeping up on me for the past week and a half.

i am a fighter. at the first sign of shut down i take airborne. i am addicted to the stuff, and i believe in its magical 17 herbs and nutrients power. i try to go to bed early. i take it easy. feed a cold = i eat. drinking fluids, or as the bf would tell me, 'drink your juice.'

so. i will not let this take me down.

not today.

this weekend i am taking the bf out of town for a special you-are-getting-old birthday celebration. woo-hoo!

i.e. a festival of us doing it. or as i like to say, boinkfest.

but its hard to get in the mood when you're feeling under the weather.

never fear, my darlings. i will find a way to get laid this weekend. i knew you were worried.

murder attempt I

the bf and i like to try new places.

we get dressed up. we sit down and have a lovely dinner. we talk. we laugh. we hold hands.

and other times, we go to the drive-through at wendy's.

one time we were driving separately and decided to go through. don't ask.

he went first. ordered. paid.

then i went. ordered. paid.

when we got back to his house we found that we had both ordered the chicken tenders. click.

he also decided to surprise me.

sidebar: i am violently, violently lactose intolerant. how do i put this without coming off as hyperbolical? um, i will die if i so much as taste one infinitesimal drop of cream, ice cream, cream cheese, or milk.

so what did the bf surprise me with?

a chocolate frosty, of course.

blueberry

i chose me.

er, i mean, the bf.

i have decided to skip the holiday parties and go with my birthday on 12.15 and the bf's family xmas on 12.16.

here is my latest obsession:



is it not the most spectacular thing ever? except it is large. in charge large. the image doesn't even do it justice. the color of the patent (yes, patent leather) is blueberry, in the truest, most delicious color to hit my palate since lemongrass of spring 06.

all of this mouthwater for $49.99.

not sure if i can pull off the size [insert gratuitous bf comment here]. also not sure if i can get over the patent leather.

otherwise though, this bag will be mine.

scoop

here's the skinny:

12.15: my birthday party at jitters martini bar (it's a lovely basement joint full of gay boys and happy waitstaff and cute bartenders and yummy key lime martinis). plus, i have had my birthday party there for the past six years (since i was 19). it's a fricking tradition.

12.16: to duluth for the bf's family christmas celebration.

up until yesterday, the weekend seemed like it was going to be a fabulous one. why not? i love celebrating my birthday almost one month in advance, and i love parties, especially when they are in my honor!

yesterday at work they told us that the agency holiday party would also be on 12.16. on top of that, the shop is going to have a holiday celebration on (wait for it...) 12.16.

so now i have to choose?

whatever shall i do? wherever shall i go?

classic bf

when the bf and i were still only reaping the benefits of our non-friendship, we had a date.

after years* of living out "why booty calls should never date," after countless stand-ups and reschedules and general call me only when you want to make out!s, we finally had a date set.

i asked him where we were going. he said, tejas.

ooh. somewhat impressed.

the bf said, "i had them hold a table for us. there are a couple of places in town i can just call up and have them save a table for me."

eye roll. hey tough guy, isn't that true for any place in town?

and there you have it, certainly not the last line the bf has fed me.

*you wish that was a typo. we're talking 2002 to 2005, honey.

the hunt

ahhhhhhhhhh.

sums up exactly how i feel. three days of doing absolutely nothing, letting my mind drift to neutral.

thursday morning we spent getting me ready for hunting. groooowwwwwl.

a tank top, a long sleeved t-shirt, a vest with a hood, a black coat with a fur-trimmed hood, a blaze orange sweatshirt with a hood, two pairs of socks, heavy boots, a scarf, a wool hat and mittens later, i was finally ready (read: really nervous).

50% of the material wasn't mine.

we drove and parked. got out of the car. trees everywhere. we started walking.

the bf motioned for me to come along, but i stayed about 10 paces behind him, just in case.

the hardest part about hunting isn't braving the cold. it is the hours and hours of forced silence.

i started to enjoy our "hunt." it seemed to me more like a leisurely amble along railroad tracks. i stopped and played with some rocks. i tried hard to look for deer, but neither my short attention span nor my fear of actually seeing the bf shoot something let up enough to try that hard.

the bf would turn around every couple of minutes and wave his arm in a "let's go" motion, and i would do something dumb like mimic godzilla trampling everything in my wake. arrrrrrgh.

then the bf stopped.

he whispered, "we're going to wait here until it gets dark."

"no!" i whispered loudly.

i hate nature in the dark. the trees are menacing and my mighty imagination drives me crazy.

but the bf would have none of it. so we waited.

it turned dark quickly, to my relief.

we started the walk back to the car. once inside, i said, "that was fun!"

because, surprisingly, it was.

i yapped happily the whole way home.

stress

so, i am leaving for duluth tonight.

i had to get up early and haul ass home to pack and get ready for work.

i noticed the 'no parking' signs on lyndale and realized that i would not be able to park outside the house.

perfect.

i had to park perpendicular to our garage door, blocking all cars parked in the garage.

i ran inside and told k that i would need to move my car before she could leave for work.

she said, "i usually leave around 7:30"

when she got out of the bathroom i asked her if i had time to shower, or if we should move the cars then.

she said i had twenty minutes.

i ran to the bathroom, jumped in the shower, and didn't spend my usual 20+ minutes dallying and counting backwards from a predetermined number to prolong my shower (tangent: i love showers).

when i towelled off, i ran to my room for my car keys. i looked at the clock: a couple minutes past 7:30. shoot.

i couldn't find my car keys. panic started to set in.

and then i heard m coming up the stairs: "soph, here are your car keys."

excuse me?

"k leaves at 7:30."

i glance at the clock: "what?"

"soph, it's 7:32!"

and that has pretty much set the tone for my day. grimace.

bu(n)ck.

here is the skinny:

the bf is taking me hunting in duluth this weekend.

i am a little frightened by the idea.

last night he asked me if i had long johns or thermal underwear. i noticeably widened my eyes.

he told me that my mission for tonight would be to put together a warm outfit for hunting.

and my eyes. got a little. larger.

how warm?

i do not have mittens or long johns. i do not have a jeans that i can wear thermal underwear with. i do not have warm boots. i do not have clothing that is conducive to multiple layerings.

he told me that i will need to dress as if i was going skiing.

um? this is me skiing: white puffer vest with turtleneck. tights under jeans. cute little gloves. a pink hat. fun scarf.

the same outfit just doesn't seem to cut it as hunting gear.

sigh. i will definitely keep you posted on whether or not the bf shoots anything, as he will not give me a firearm even though we are going hunting together.

dress like a hunter. freeze like a hunter. stand by and cheer your bf on like a chump masquerading as a hunter. can't wait.

moon

full moon in taurus last night.

i had to work at the shop. the bf didn't get back until 6pm.

i went over to his house with abnormally high expectations, given the full moon and how tired we both were.

we tried to watch march of the penguins. got sleepy.

i wanted to stay up and joke around and laugh.

he wanted to sleep.

after several attempts, i pouted, which lead to: "sometimes i don't think you care about what i want."

gasp. ouch.

it hurts mostly because i think he really believes it is so.

how much i care is in my head, looking for a way out, and i assume he just knows. but like most things between us, it lies under the surface and isn't easily said. we think we're both on the same page, but because we don't say it we don't really know. i try to find the words but i lose them.

sometimes, the only thing that matters to me is what he wants.

our city

my reader told me: "he will always smell good to you."

the he she was referring to was the bf.

and she was right.

the bf leaves for vegas this morning. he is visiting his uncle in the hospital, and his cousin who is newly separated.

this morning when he got up to get ready, i didn't want him to go.

i cried when he left.

and i cried myself back to sleep while my face was on his pillow, breathing him in.

he does always smell good to me, and when i see him, i bury my face in the soft spot on his collarbone, right above his chest, and inhale. past the layers of soap and cologne, his real scent is there, and it is natural to me. it is a combination of his home, his fabrics, his soft, easy-going ways.

he just smells like home.

snickers

before halloween, we had snickers at work.

fun size.

i took one for the bf.

i gave it to him last thursday, right before hockey. with an appreciative glance and cursory thanks, he said he would have it after the game.

except we forgot.

the next day, to my delight, i found the snickers in my purse. I ate it.

i sent him a text message: i ate your snickers.

last night, i gave the bf a make-up snickers.

fun size.

he put it on the kitchen counter, saved for an after dinner treat.

n walked into the kitchen. spied the snickers. "is this yours?" i said, "you want it?" he said, "yes."

i let him take it.

i told the bf what happened, how i didn't think it was a big deal. ouch. sorry, didn't know it meant so much to you. told him i would get him another snickers. so. not. the point.

i looked at my watch. 830p. i said i had to go to my car to grab something. as soon as i cleared the side door i ran my little yellow jacket up to the gas station. huffing and puffing, i grabbed a snickers. "you sound like you've been running!" from the attendant.

as i ran back, i saw the bf's silhouette in the window. arms crossed. i entered the house, proudly presented the snickers, full-size, thank you very much.

"that's not going to make up for it," says the bf.

fun size, indeed.

huh

the results are in:

cyst on my right ovary.
polyp or fibroid on my lower uterus

in doctor speak, that is not too worrisome.

perfect.

well buck up, plucky duck. you've got some positive thinking to do.