why

i have a lot on my mind.

usually i am okay at dealing with it, but lately i feel like i might be falling apart.

i wake up with a smile and tell myself that it is a new day, that i am young and vibrant and what do i have to be so stressed out about? i will myself to make it through the day without breaking.

i carry it with me. i carry it all with me. in my neck. and in my shoulders.

i feel like i hold my breath all day. all day.

and i wonder. my job is going fine. the bf and i have braved the turbulence and are now relaxing in the swells. my family is wonderful. i have my health.

and yet.

i have a nagging in my heart that will not go away, no matter how many times i tell it to be content.

to live in this moment, to remember these moments for now.

and that's when i realize that there is no one there to help me, because i don't know how to ask for help or what it is that will help me.

i just want to exhale.