feliz ano neuvo

off to puerto vallarta on saturday.

new year's in mexico.

happy new year to you.

org

it's weird to have so much time off.

i'm spending quality sophie time.

and i find myself liking me a whole lot.

grin.

lately, i have been drawn to life organization.

i am usually on top of things.

i send out greeting cards. i write thank you notes. i pay everything on time. i keep lists. i track my payments. i file. i make my bed.

but goodness, there is always room for improvement.

so i bought this:



and i love it. i also know that i am a freak. and i love it.

christmas

merry day to all.

the end of the year is reflective for me. i look back. fall. daylight savings.

things i have learned this year:

1. breathe out. let go. close your eyes.

2. even when you think you can talk about everything, you might find that the hardest thing to talk about is the thing that matters the most.

3. sometimes you can feel at home at work. you can actually love what you do, even if you don't act like it all the time.

4. when all else fails, break into song.

5. friends are people. they will make mistakes. you will forgive them because you will make mistakes too.

6. your parents can still move you to tears even when you're thirty.

7. as you get older, you might get more obsessive. more compulsive. less lovable. and that's okay.

8. your little brothers aren't so little anymore.

9. treat yourself to a new top, new earrings, a greeting card organizer. you deserve it.

10. you will love him no matter what, no matter where. forever.

it's been a great year for me.

bday

i am officially one year older today.

i don't feel different.

but i am surrounded by loved ones.

and i feel so very, very lucky.

yahoo

it's my last day in the office for the year.

i feel like i have found my professional home, and i could not be happier.

i believe in what i do, and i am actually great at it.

but at the end of the day, a job is a job.

and it will not love you back.

happy holidays!

#

i found this draft from 06.18 (it's funny how some things stay the same):

"sometimes i feel like it is more important to you to be married than it is to marry me."

my heart deflated.

and then ignited.

it is important to me that we get married because i love you and i want to be with you.

i don't know why that is so hard to understand.

everytime someone else gets married and it's not me it breaks my heart a little.

if we both know, what would one more step be?

if nothing about our relationship would change, what are we waiting for?

if we are both so scared to give forever to each other, why are we even here?

but fine, i give up. i don't want it today.

classic bf

i now have a key to his house.

he handed a copy without much fanfare.

here.

he shoved it in my open hand.

what's this?

my house key.

what for?

for you.

sometimes i think it's for conversations like these that we deserve each other.

wake

i have many joys in life.

one of the best is sleeping with the bf.

i like his curve, and how he wraps around me.

some mornings, rare mornings, when i am up and he is still sleeping,

i am overwhelmed by how much i love him.

puck

going with the bf to hockey tonight.

the lone fan in the high school stands.

armed with caribou hot tea, a heated wrap (we call it "my little friend"), a blanket, and a heater from above, i will watch.

and i snicker because i am thinking about when special told me about her friend "puck."

why did they call her that?

because the boys hockey team passed her around.

true story.

noir

stop.



buy it all here. now.

nozin

i know this is totally gross, but i am a complete germaphobe:

nozin.



swab your nostils, save yourself a cold.

i can do that.

xxx

most. delightful. evening.

a little taste of the wonderful surprises for me:

1. getting ready when the doorbell rang. e called and asked me to come downstairs.

when i opened the door, she said, the birthday girl should have the perfect bag:



and presented me with the kayak yellow clutch. bam! what a way to start the night.

2. the bf showed up right on time with a bottle of champagne and chambord, and some blackberries. mmm.

3. when we arrived at b.a.n.k., my table was inconveniently occupied. the hostess arranged for an upgrade to a private dining room. behold, the gold room:



4. the cake, omg, the cake that special had made:



like a tiffany box on a silver tray. how fabulous!

5. and last but not least:

a surprise crush cameo, courtesy of the bf.



mike fotis (santa in this image). from the brave new workshop. stopped by post-show for little old me.

i almost fell out of my chair, peed my pants, and had a heart attack at the same time.

thanks to the friends who made my night unforgettable.

not a bad way to ring in a new decade. not bad at all.

cheers!

tonight

is it.

i chose this dress:



it's little. and black.

and i am wearing it strapless.

just the thing to wear while i am celebrating the age of twenty-five.*

close friends for a lovely dinner.

a wonderful evening.

happy 12.07.07, everyone.

* plus five. whatever.

nano

the bf gave me my birthday present early this year.



in black.

and a bedside carafe for the guest room.

i love it. i love it. i love it.

thank you, bf, for my birthday party presents.

i love you. i love you. i love you.

shine

anyone seen a great party dress lately?

something along these lines:



i'm on this friday. birthday dinner.

and i refuse to look my age.

capri

sometimes it take a slap from friends and blogger friends to make you realize what really matters.

thx to wm for reaching out with her slappin' hand.

i know i have it all.

and i know there's more out there for me. it will come my way. in time. i will wait. and i will be at peace.

so i bought this for myself:



i feel much better. thank you.

em

so.

my little baby brother is going to propose to his long-time gf.

i am thrilled.

for him.

and sad for me.

i know it's petty. i know that there are worse things than two people finding love and getting married and living happily ever after. i know that it just hurts because it's not me.

and maybe it's not for me. perhaps the path i have chosen, the only one i can control, is mine. and the only thing i can do, everyday, is do the best i can do.

and someday it won't feel so bad. today already is brighter, and more hopeful. and i don't need what i thought i did, because i can do anything.

phoenix

phoenix was nice.

especially because we stayed at the camelback inn.

a snapshot:

eat
the good egg. light breakfast with french toast and fruit. some cowboy egg and potato breakfast for the bf.

phoenix city grill. best. pot roast. ever. roasted parsnips. yes.

cafe carumba. day starter breakfast (two eggs, english muffin, ham, and potatoes) and huevos rancheros.

see
carefree and cave creek. beautiful rocks. if not for the flood, we would have been climbing! even in my gold ouch-toe flats. fun places to see. boulder resort. frontier town. the town dump.

harold's cave creek corral. spinach and artichoke dip. bloody mary for me. water for the bf.

tempe art festival. de la nuez pop art.

drink
hoppin' jacks. cactus juice margaritas and la pinta tequila.

not bad for two days.

'zona

off to phoenix this evening.

more quality time with the bf.

it might be fun to go up to sedona.

see some red rock.

watch the sunset.

for now, i'll just keep thinking about those sixty degrees.

see ya.

boot

i was kicked out of the bf's bed tonight.

per my sleeping habits, the bf has not been sleeping lately.

eating late and drinking usually exacerbates the problem.

hence the boot.

you sure were busy last night.

according to the bf, in between bouts of snoring, i was intermittently kicking and yelling.

adorable.

damn my overactive subconscious.

gift

my wish list: (click for buying info -- see how convenient this is?)

then we came to the end by joshua ferris



chanel perfume



enamel bracelet

knocked up dvd




tepper jackson overnighter


for like ever poster


and there you have it. just for starters.

i love the holidays.

b-day

dear bf,

happy birthday to the man in my life.

the man of my life.

thank you for being everything to me.

thank you for being you.

happy 31st.

love always,
sophie

thx

the bf lost one of his dear friends this past week.

actually, we all lost.

the world lost a great man last tuesday.

too young. too soon. too short.

not enough words. not enough time. not enough strength.

thank you for the memories.

sorry i beat your hand with a pair of twos.

peace be with you.

dear

what do you say about someone

who has touched your heart.

someone you are thankful that you at least got to know him for a couple of years.

even though you would have felt the same way after meeting him for just one day.

you remember his hugs.

they were. the. best.

and you would give a lot for one of those hugs. right. now.

i will miss his hugs the most.

but i will remember a great bear of a man who touched everyone who knew him.

he will live on in hearts, but most of all, he will live on with smiles.

hold

hold on
a pueblo indian prayer

hold on to what is good,
even if it's a handful of earth.

hold on to what you believe,
even if it's a tree that stands by itself.

hold on to what you must do,
even if it's a long way from here.

hold on to your life,
even if it's easier to let go.

hold on to my hand,
even if I've gone away from you.

there are no words of my own that describe the grief i feel today.

peace be with you this friday.

pray

if there ever was a day to reach out to your loved ones,

today would be that day.

prayers and thoughts appreciated,

and much love to you and yours.

peace.

classic bf

i am continually confounded by the bf.

for instance, his sense, or slanted view, of committment.

a sample text message:

i like the name margarete but i would be worried that people would call her marge.

what does that mean?

i wonder if he was trying to spell margaret or marguerite.

regardless.

i think he's trying to tell me he would like babies without actually having to get married.

j.e.

had a lovely evening with j tonight.

she is like the older sister i never had.

[well, to be honest i never wanted an older sister. i was convinced that i needed an older brother and a younger sister for my life to be complete. i don't know how i ended up with two younger brothers. nature. scoff.]

we split a carafe of sangria at el meson. i made her try the tamales and the dominicana salad. from the menu: slices of yellow and red tomatoes, avocado and grilled onions, topped with queso fresco, chili oil and tamarind glaze. mmm. my favorite.

nothing like a great meal with a fantastic friend.

i know no one is able to do this, but she truly does validate me. she supports me. and she is my biggest fan without actually, fanning. i, of course, love it.

i think we help each other, because i hold her up, and together, as much as she does for me.

it's nice. and i feel very lucky tonight.

oo

the other night i had a dream that the bf was "friendly" with another woman.

in the dream, i distinctly remember seeing her: petite, brunette, delicate features.

i asked her name: ann marie.

the bf made it seem like it was no big deal, that he just enjoyed her "company."

i woke up, furious.

i demanded to know who this ann marie person was.

back in reality, the bf just rolled his eyes. dream.

suspected by-product of another late-night dinner.

today i went shopping with w, and when i went to buy perfume at bloomingdales, the beauty advisor handed me her card:

ann marie.*

of course i told her the whole story, laughingly accused her of hanging out with my bf, and left convinced of my psychic abilities.

*too bad this one was significantly older, bleached, and heavily made-up. still, it has got to be a sign. i'm sure of it.

mind

as in, i am losing it.

just so there isn't any confusion of my descent from age 30 on:

i was writing down the time of my birthday dinner. yes. small. intimate. i am turning thir(twent)y for crying out loud. no more drinking-until-i-pass-out-at-nine-come-when-you-want-buy-me-a-shot parties. a nice, quiet dinner. close friends. good eats. i want to wear a dress.

lovely new eatery. friday, 12.07.07.

i had invitations printed. i love them. i deserve nice, formal invitations that will be sent in the mail. all the information, printed in a cute, modern font. everything you need to know.

except. and this is a big except.

i forgot to include the time.

a crucial detail. major.

*@^%$.

favors

i am throwing the bf a birthday dinner.

well, not exactly throwing. planning is more like it.

it will be at our favorite restaurant, on a sunday @ 6p.

i am wondering what would be fun along the lines of party favors. i am a sucker for favors and treats. nothing tacky. but a small, sweet thank you for joining us gift.

party crackers


italian appetizers


nose cups


what's a girl to do? i am leaning towards something italian.

wait

why is it that i want to cry...

every time i think about what you said to me yesterday?

sigh.

@,@

i had wicked dreams last night.

perhaps the culprit of mushroom lasagna or late-night surfing.

flashes of me asking the bf if the girls in thailand are pretty.

he answered yes nonchalantly.

then the ex told me he counted 53 cute thai girls.

as if?!

i woke up feeling very unsettled this morning. blech.

no more network dramas before bed.

oh

sometimes not hearing it is easier.

that way, you can pretend that everything is the way you think it is, and would like it to be, without having to deal with emotions that you cannot control.

whispered confessions that fall on the wrong girl's ears. funny how drinking purges truth. your lips spill what your heart wants. crushes are harmless, right?

even if nothing will come out of it. and nothing will happen. and you both hope that nothing changes.

and as hard as it is, and no matter how much you want it to not be true, you can never go back to the way it was.

midnight

i am a little crazy about this dress:



i want to put it on and twirl about.

happy friday!

locks

omg.

if you have been reading about my life for the past year, you would know that i. love. my. hair.

and last night, around 8p, my stylist and i made a joint decision to cut it.

and i mean chop.*

it is now 3.5 inches lighter. and sits on my shoulders. i feel it swinging when i walk.

i am still reeling from the change. i reach down and experience phantom hair.

i will let you know when i have recovered.

*note: the bf is conveniently in thailand for the weekend. however, he has reserved the right to stop loving me in the case that my hair length is no longer satisfactory to his person.

sandals

i couldn't help thinking



these would look fantastic under a white beach dress.

vintage kimono fabric.

how fabulous.

boo

happy halloween.

nothing spooky to post about.

halloween is my least favorite holiday.

i just don't get it. the orange. the costumes. the horror.

maybe it's because i don't like to be frightened.

the bf and i will most likely not be watching anything scary on television tonight.

but maybe we'll hand out treats!

boolicious.

xcaret

we are back.

and i am ready to face the world.

it's been an easy day for me. and i am enjoying just getting back into it all.

my life.

the best three hours of my time in xcaret was on friday, when the bf and i rented a car and drove south to tulum. we walked among mayan ruins. gazed at lizards sunning. swam in the caribbean sea. the sand was incredible on my feet. and the bf has never looked better to me. the smile came easily. and stayed.

sigh. the recuperative powers of holidays.

we needed to hold hands in mexico. and walk to meals together. and get ready slowly. all i wanted to do was be near him. to feel him around me. that's what i needed. and i happily stole those moments.

the full moon on friday was full of promise. sometimes i don't know what that means, but this time i didn't really care.

thanks to the bf for a wonderful break.

eve

night before mexico.

early morning flight.

we will take separate paths there and meet in cancun.

i am looking forward to relaxing and reconnecting in the mayan riviera.

maybe we'll find each other again under the full moon on friday.

peace.

tonight

here we go again.

fighting in hypotheticals.

and feeling like strangers.

good night.

teco

i am in love with these:



reproduction teco pottery in white.

find it here (hint, hint).

classic bf

lately, the bf has taken to calling my legs meatballs.

someone please tell him it is not flattering.

even though i giggle every time he says it.

smiami

happy friday!

a memory of miami (or, smiami, for the smarminess):

walking on the boardwalk to nikki beach for dinner,

i heard a loud BURP.

disgusted, i turned to see the originator of such rudeness.

a typical smiami man: hairy and shirtless, looked back at me.

i turned around, with a hair toss.

and i hear: do you know how much money i have? i make a lot of effing money. wanna know how much money is in my wallet?

clearly, his under-breath tirade was for my benefit.

facing forward, i rolled my eyes.

since when was having money an excuse for rude behavior?

gross.

collins

i woke up this morning determined.

i would walk this city on my own.

so i stepped out [sans shower].

i wanted to find hot tea and a croissant for breakfast. i ended up walking parallel to the ocean for about half an hour. nothing was open before ten. except starbucks. and i couldn't bring myself to go in.

i stumbled across a tiny bakery and ordered exactly what i wanted. i walked back to the hotel, and made my way to the beach.

breakfast on the beach.

i read. i talked on the phone. i felt myself relaxing. i smiled when the sun came out.

then i got up. this time: operation pedicure.

i found rebel salon after another half hour of walking, only because i didn't want any of the high-end salons found on the pedestrian mall on lincoln road. but i met christina, and she gave me an amazing pedi with essie's fifth avenue polish.



it is exactly the color that i feel.

on to shopping.

i tried on a pair of sandals i had eyed on my previous walk. sold. i went into a boutique and came out with a tee and a skirt. i tried on a to-die-for white dress, gauzy to perfection, sheer to nothing, but had it come in the right size, it would have been mine.

successful, indeed.

christina also let me know that i need to visit vizcaya. she said it was beautiful, so i looked it up.

sold.

miami

sophie is here:



ahhhhh.

at a conference for work until wednesday. even though it is cloudy, i am still reeling from the glam of it all.

happy sunday.

forward

the shortest fairy tale ever

once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "will you marry me?"

the guy said "no" and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.

the end.

radiosophie

oh my.

a whole station dedicated to me.

i don't know if i deserve it.

when i was growing up, i would have killed to be a katie or a kelly.

but a sophie?! the horror. my best friends (katie, kelly, and emily) didn't seem to mind.

i could never find the personalized sticker books, journals, or mugs. and at a time when things mattered, custom things made you a star. and help me, i was always the girl with the best things.

as i got older, i stared to appreciate the uniqueness. i grew into my name. i like the uncommonality.

except now my battle has come full circle: countless little girls share my name.

and it's tough.

at least now there are plenty of things.

mom

it is my mom's birthday today.

55 years young.

and i would be very, very lucky to have her strength, love and charm. and her youthful look.

my mom used to wear makeup on a daily basis. and now, she still holds her head up in a way that proves she never needed it in the first place.

my brothers and i are getting her this necklace:



a heart for each of us.

her heart in all of us.

i am grateful for her every day

even though i am horrible at showing it.

happy birthday, mom.

venus

okay, okay.

i'm an astrology-whore.

and for my capricorn october:

with venus moving so close to saturn (venus runs your house of fame in your solar chart) any new position you consider now would bring long hours but a real sense of power. it would be a role you would have to grow into to fully master all new facets of it, but that would be what attracts you so much.

and last night, the bf and i celebrated my promotion.

we went to fuddruckers.

grin.

thank you, venus.

rest

the bf and i are going to cancun from 10.24 to 10.27.

we are staying here:



that image will save me until then.

peace.

tire

had to share:

warning light on my dash came on.

looked it up in the manual.

CHECK TIRE PRESSURE.

what does that even mean?

the bf asked if i had a flat tire.

i scoffed. i'd know if i had a flat tire.

i walked around my car.

i saw it before i rounded the corner.

flat as a pancake.

*&^$ A#&^$&* #&$A(&@#.

stuck in a parking ramp in downtown minneapolis.

the bf started to drive up from eagan.

he attempted to walk me through the prep process.

i moaned and groaned and wooed is me(d).

but i calmed down.

rolled up my sleeves.

found instructions in the manual on how to change a tire.

and i changed that effing tire.

damn it.

black

i wanted to wear this dress to my grandmother's funeral:



so i ordered it online last friday at 5p, with two-day express shipping.

it has not yet arrived, and my flight leaves in two hours.

needless to say, i am not thrilled.

bye

off to boston today.

sure to be an emotional weekend.

but i will be surrounded by family.

and the bf.

so even though i will never be ready,

i think i will be okay.

have a great week.

i'll be back soon.

gma

there was nothing i wanted to think about posting last week.

and no posts that i wanted to think about.

so i just want to say thank you for your silent thoughts and prayers.

i appreciate it, and i feel it.

here is something i wrote about my grandmother that i wanted to share:

my grandmother is a beautiful woman. she is well-traveled and resided mainly in taiwan and japan with my grandfather until she reluctantly moved to massachusetts. my late grandfather was the ambassador from taiwan to japan for many years. but my grandmother was never his trophy wife; she stood a pillar just as tall as he. like a good politico’s wife, my grandmother dressed up and went to countless celebrations, meetings, and events. she kept such a serene smile.

my memories of my grandmother are few, but vivid. i would thread my arm through hers, and she would be wearing a stylish sheath with three-quarter length sleeves. grandmama lin had an asian loveliness about her, like an origami crane or a pale pink peony. chinoiserie in a sense. she wore chanel red lipstick and held herself like the exquisite black purse she carried. to me, she was the first lady in asian form. fluid and formidable, she represented elegance in person and wore gloves over working hands.

today, she is soft-spoken but emanates grace, both innate and learned. her powerful spirit is tempered only by her delicate stature. we communicate mostly via hellos and shy smiles for i am a generation too removed for her language.

shortly after my grandfather died, her heart broke via an attack and she has not been the same. with the help of family, she has been quietly mending.

oh. that was almost too much.

excuse me.

lin

my grandmother passed away tonight.

i need a moment.

please refrain from comment.

thank you.

yeah

here's the thing about this week.

and i want you to remember this about me.

i am tired of the same old excuses.

and i don't want to hear it.

thank you.

peony

because i have them on my mind:



peonies are my mom's favorite.

and i am thinking of her tonight.

snap

the bf is home again.

after a fantastic welcome home (wink), we headed up north.

two and a half hours later, we arrived at his grandmother's house.

it was a mini-reunion; really nice to spend time with his family.

a cousin from australia was visiting. bawdy and rowdy. just like i like 'em.

in true italian family style, we were fed and cooed over.

we stayed in duluth with the bf's 'rents.

on sunday morning, at church, i turn to the bf and whisper:

babe, what if our kids have big noses? i'll blame you.

with perfect execution, the bf deadpanned:

what if our kids are dumb?



it's good to have him back.

via

the bf is en route!

he called me from the airport in milan.

if all goes well with flights, he will be home by 12:30p today.

i can't wait to see him. i plan on picking him up from the airport with my usual sign spelling his last name wrong.

when i was little, we traveled a lot (read: lots of family vacations). before every flight, i would try to find a fountain and make a wish that we would arrive safely at our destination. pennies, nickels, dimes would be tossed lightly. along with shut eyes and wishes of safe travels. the plink as the coin hit the water was a sign of acknowledgment. it was my security blanket. my little safeguard ritual. my travel prayer.

i still close my eyes and wish.

kayak

i went kayaking with the ex last night.

i am completely addicted to kayaking.

we had to head in because of the impending storm, so we headed to amazing thailand for dinner and his belated birthday celebration. i couldn't resist the name - amazing thailand - such a bold promise!

we caught up while trying the vegetarian spring rolls, chicken pad thai, and tom yum soup.

dinner was, well, less than amazing.

but the company was pretty wonderful.

i always think of my ex as the kind of man that turns a girl around. the kind that makes a girl realize what they are truly worth, that to be treated as like a lady is the very least of what they should expect. and among many other things, the ex did that for me.

he was my hero. he was my knight in shining armor. he was my rock.

and yet, he was not the one for me.

he never captured that part of me that is for no one else.

and that's why it was never to be. no one is to blame; it is what it is.

but i will never stop believing in what he taught me.

and for that i will always be infinitely grateful.

thank you.

classic bf

the bf has a surefire way of being disappointed at restaurants.

his plan? he always orders what he feels like versus, say, the specialty of the cuisine.

what do i mean? i'll tell you.

i have several examples.

a. the scene: tejas, obviously of southwestern cuisine, the bf decides to order what? the tamale? no. the chop salad. and again, he is surprised when it is disappointing.

not enough, you say? who could get chop salad wrong?

b. the scene: salut, restaurant a la france. the bf orders the beef stroganoff daily special. it sounded good. but non, it was not good.

okay, okay, easy mistake. specials should be good.

c. the scene: little angie's cantina (in duluth!), dubbed fajitaville. i order the enchiladas. the bf's mom orders the taco salad. the bf orders the buffalo chicken wrap. think he liked it?

i could go on, but i'll spare you. just believe me.

salzburg

the bf is now in salzburg, austria.

the birthplace of mozart.

i wish i could be there.

well, not really, seeing as how he is zipping around in a small bmw with two married men.

but i do wish we could be together. (read: i get mushy at night)

he called me tonight.

i said, baby, i forgot what you look like!

go get a picture quick!

but i don't have any where i didn't cut out your face!

ah, the romance of it all.

bedding

okay.

i love this:



it's so relaxing.

but i also like this:



because it's hot.

jump!

mini

i am having another great day.

i didn't sleep much last night.

i'm a night owl, even when i know i have to be up at 6a and in front of the client at 8a.

so i went down at around 12:30a.

and the bf called at 1:18a.

i can't even remember what we talked about. boo.

but enough with the time talk -- tonight i am off to beaujo's with little n.

for some mini burgers + cute little pickles and a glass of wine.

mmm.

labor day

i had a nice relaxing weekend.

hope yours was sweet too.

dreamy.

i should probably mention that i went to the state fair last friday.*

gorged on corn dogs, fried green tomatoes, iced tea, fries, and frozen grapes. oh, and a bite of a deep-fried twinkie.

my stomach clearly indicated that i was indeed too old to partake in such grease-laden foods.

the bf won me a stuffed black car with my lucky number (3) on it.

i think it was to make up for last year.

we took our chances on the milk jug toss, where carnies urge you to "lean, lean!" to close the two foot gap between your softball and the opening. $2.25 for three tries. me first: overthrown. next up, the bf: he sunk it so quickly i didn't even get a picture. but i did holler for the black car i wanted. we still one ball left. i was confident this time. if the bf could do it, i could do it too. except i didn't, i overthrew.

the highlight of the eve was the big, fat gorgeous pig that i like to awe over.

the second highlight was discovering the passion the bf has for brisk unsweetened iced tea.

all in all the fair was fair. just like always.

*you know what's weird? we went on the exact same day last year. creepy.

choice

i don't want to choose.

the bf always says that whatever i want, i want it now.

and he's right.

i don't want to choose between me and us.

because i would choose it all.

and i would have it all.

if you would let me.

elude

wide awake.

feeling blue.

the bf is en route to germany, and i am alone. again.

today he told me that he wants to marry me.

and i felt simultaneously and deeply. happy and sad.

beaming with happiness because he had not spoken those words that way before.

and profoundly sad because he is leaving me for a week.

we have been intensely talking about our future for the past two days.

and i am realizing that

i have no answer

other than yes.

friday

yippee!

i am starting labor day weekend off with an extra day off.

now this is how i like to start a holiday.

my plans include getting up early for nothing in particular.

snacking on whatever i want, whenever i want.

perhaps wandering over to the shop for a friend's last day.

some tentative "i will get out early" meetings.

but most definitely, a day of sophie.

good start, darlings.

flaw

i don't play games.

i just. well, i just hold a lot of things in.

i have to believe there is a difference.

sometimes i feel like i am setting myself for disappointment
because the possibility of misconstruing my disclosure is too great.

i don't even know if that makes sense.

i don't even know if i make sense.

it's like i want to be proven wrong, but when i don't let anyone in on the joke, i am always right.

and then i have to live with knowing that it could have been a different way.

a

dinner with a tonight.

date night at gigi's, which means a pizza and a bottle of wine for $20.

can't beat it.

and you really cannot beat a night out with a.

she is my special little girl, with the eyes of an angel and the voice of a forty year-old, chain-smoking divorcée.

she at times makes me both laugh and cry, and she exudes a wisdom beyond her years.

she is my level-head, the one who tells me that the bf and i are great together.

not only because she means it, but because she knows it.

and i, in turn, believe her.

for an emotional, pms-ing, bloated girl, she is like midol plus.

thank goodness for a.

red

this, i love:



couldn't you just see me rocking this for fall?

oh

in case you were wondering...

he came back.

go

overall, i had a pretty fantastic weekend.

flying solo.

cameo.

on friday miss e and i went to campiello for corbin's fourth birthday celebration. the homemade potato chips are fabulous. and the tagliatelle bolognese. lip-smacking. "split into thirds" doesn't do the dish justice.

on saturday i donated to goodwill, filed my papers, and took out my recycling before heading out to the shop for eight hours of retail.

on sunday, miss e and i did the following: walked for two hours around lake nokomis. brunched at turtle bread. shopped at ikea. worked at macy's home store. picked up a few things at target. munched on pretzels with cheese at the bulldog.

so many verbs before 8p.

and it was wonderful.

still

the bf is stuck in tennessee.

poor guy.

send wishes that he'll be home soon.

this

good morning.

i missed the bf's call last night.

i woke up to this text message:

babe, i love you and i wish you were awake so i could tell you so.

sigh. this kind of love.

it keeps me going.

the night before he left we were exhausted from the week.

we were in bed well before our usual bedtime.

giddy. we giggled while making fun of each other.

and laughed and laughed.

and pawed.

the bf is like comfort to me. my man with the curl. the guy who makes reservations at cafe maude because he knows how much i like good fries at a nice restaurant. the same one who wants to hang out with me for forty minutes before his departure just because we can. the one i come home too, even if it's not my home.

come home.

south

the bf is going to tennessee tonight.

i already miss him.

but it's still going to be a great weekend.

xoxo

mag

here's what i don't get:

when you are paging through a magazine at work,

[read: i am admittedly fried this afternoon]

and a coworker comes up to your desk,

so you quickly flip it to the back cover.

what about that says, please ask to borrow the magazine that i am currently reading so that i have to wait even longer to read said magazine that i have been eagerly anticipating since tuesday?

i mean, seriously?!

okay

you know how the song goes.

making up is hard to do.

blech

i am hopelessly in love.

and also

completely hopeless. hands-up-in-the-air hopeless

i am sitting here contemplating whether or not i should go back to the bf's

for another night. i think not.

i hate running away after a spat.

but i can't help myself sometimes.

i wish i was stronger than my stubbornness.

sometimes i am sensitive

and i don't feel like making up.

especially when i give it a chance.

one false move and i am back at square one, furiously running.

i wish you would come get me.

wow

everybody stop!

behold:


26 fantastic carats. twenty six.

all for the bargain price of $195k.

takers? bf? hello?

elvis

i almost forgot.

during lunch:



my highlight of the day.

long live the king.

friday

what a week.

dinner with the girls tonight.

at blackbird. again.

five old birds and two baby ones.

bottle of tabula rasa red. my choice.

after a long week? yes, yes, pour me.

fries with bearnaise. share.

polenta with ratatouille.

it was all fantastic.

and good girlie time + babies.

off to duluth.

levain

café levain.

the now defunct levain closed before i had a chance to try it.

but i made it to the café version.

it was beautiful in there - e and i quickly sat down for two glasses of white.

a riesling for her and a château routas wild boar white wine for me.

the wild boar was a mutt (a mixed breed of viognier, blanc white, and chardonnay).

it was wonderful. a lovely rust color. smelled surprisingly like scotch.

i also had a divine tarte tatin. a fancy apple tart. mmm.

we talked. laughed. cried. solved the mysteries of life.

good friends are hard to come by.

yes

omg.

is it wrong that i told the bf:

i would marry you tomorrow if you'd let me.

i mean really, is that a little desperate?

do you think less of me?

goodness. i just get worse with age.

café ena

the bf and i had a date at café ena.

it was like el meson lite.

bread and butter.

but ohh the butter was made with honey and peppers.

tamal. croqueta de salmon. cangrejo salad.

all easily consumed al fresco.

our one complaint: too many onions.

otherwise, next time i would love to check out the interior.

looks like a fun, lively place.

worth another visit.

you

omg. i found the perfect stamp for select situations:

.

can't. stop. giggling.

i'm using this from now on. don't try to stop me.

popcorn

last night i had wicked, popcorn-induced night dreams.

the bf

caught cheating

uttered not one word of denial, instead shrugged it off.

matter of factly.

not one dream where i knew it was only a dream.

not just two so i questioned reality.

but three variations of the same nightmare.

i woke up, startled.

woke the bf up.

what?

asked him if he had ever cheated on me.

i was convinced that my dreams were trying to tell me something.

that i am a fool.

that this happiness is all a charade.

i burst into tears. sobbing.

the bf soothed: it was only a dream.

i still cried myself back to sleep.

exbf

it is your 30th birthday in 16 minutes.

you are probably already celebrating in japan.

i don't really know what to say to you that hasn't already been said.

when we couldn't make it work, you left me with a world of baggage.

i cry every time i discover a new one.

something left behind.

something i didn't even know affected me. made me feel anything.

little reminders of you.

faded scars.

i still remember how you made me laugh until i hurt.

you sent me flowers when you felt bad. so i received many.

you tried and tried and tried.

over and over and over.

and still didn't make up for it.

the way you loved me wasn't enough.

i learned that the pain passes and that we just weren't meant to be.

thank you for letting us go.

cheers to you in your thirtieth year.

happy birthday.

pocketful

this is what i've been feeling lately:



happy friday.

on

sometimes a day off is all a girl needs

to put life into a little perspective.

is it just me, or does everything feel lighter this week?

everything slides off a bit easier.

i hope this doesn't wear off anytime soon.

tonight's itinerary: more relaxing. good girlfriend. bright ideas.

are these the dog days of summer?

walked around lake calhoun.

pondered life. fought off bugs. glowed.

another great one.

hearts

i want this:


around my neck. gently swaying.

this fall.

word

yesterday i took a summer day.

i pulled up to 50th and france and wondered about the cars.

don't people have to work?

and then i saw the pairs of ladies walking around.

ladies who lunch! and i am one of them.

special and i blissed out over tamales and iced tea at tejas.

we shopped around. waved around money neither of us had.

i tried on a dress.

a white dress @ grethen house.netc.

peter cohen. on sale. it fit perfectly. i felt beautiful.

i put it back.

too caught up in dictionary.com's 8.05.07 word of the day.*

*if you want to find out, you will have to do some sherlocking, but i trust that you won't.

classic bf

as we were getting ready for bed (read: he was ready and i was in the midst of),

the bf said:

my tuchas hurts.

and wiggled it.

bos

morning glories.

my heart is full today.

i woke up with it thumping. staying up too late. eating even later = wicked dreams.

boston was wonderful.

we arrived on friday evening, rented a grand ford taurus, and set off for cape cod.

gorgeous beachhouse. grey shake siding. we hurried to bed in order to rise early.

and in the morning. wow.

two minnesotans caught up in the ocean. we sat on the deck, drinking it in.

quick ride to a cute breakfast place for my perfect balance of salty and sweet in the form of a breakfast sandwich and cinnamon french toast.

and then, more beach.

we left in the afternoon, still unsatisfied, but inifinitely glad we made the trek.

the next three hours were trying, stuck in cape cod renters traffic. three miles took an hour and a half. i fought against the threatening stress. thought about the ocean. sighed.

when traffic finally broke, i weaved in and out, speeding at upwards of eighty.

to grandmother's house we go, indeed.

we made it just in time for dinner.

spent a nice evening with my family. i got to see my grandmother. the real reason for our trip. she looked beautiful. even if she didn't remember me. it was nice to be there with her.

my cousin's kids, including j and tenacious d, were utterly delightful. i couldn't take my eyes off. i vowed to win them over in less than twenty four hours. i lost. to the bf. hmph.

the next day we spent more time with the family: lunch, walking around downtown boston and a stop for an arnie palmer.

we missed our direct flight to minneapolis. the last flight of the day.

bf: it wouldn't be a vacation if we weren't rushing to the airport.

we took an alternate flight to detroit. crossed our fingers that we would get on the flight to minneapolis.

and as luck would have it, we made it.

perfect.

bean

off to boston for the weekend.

another weekend with the family.

this time, extended.

happy weekend, lovelies.

bridge

here's hoping your family and friends are safe.

please keep minneapolis in your thoughts and prayers today.

xoxo,
sophie

hope

it's been a while.

recently i turned to the bf and said:

could i do an experiment?

his eyes widened in a tell me more expression.

could i do an experiment? on your face?

sounds threatening. dangerous even. a bit ridiculous.

but i have a good reason: my latest purchase.



smoothing cream. i really feel like it works. so i want to be able to see the results on someone not so easily wooed by promises of youth and beauty.

enter. the bf.

****

i love it.

maybe i just expect too much from people, but lately i feel disappointed.

and i cannot figure out if my expectations are too high or if efforts are too low.

friendships and relationships should be easier than this.

sigh.

blackbird

double date at blackbird last night.

with a new couple. m and a.

we shared how we met stories.

usually, we have people beat.

but not this time.

they met via the internet. does everyone remember hot or not? i guess, while perusing the photos, a thought m was, um, hot. he clicked yes for her, and she clicked yes for him. three years later they got married. awesome. love in the unlikeliest of websites.

we shared seed mustard pork loin with rice pilaf. breaded salmon and fries with bearnaise sauce. hibiscus tea.

and four lovely little chocolates.

great place. i would recommend it. go for the pork loin. avoid the salmon.

mushroom

we went to a birthday bbq last night.

flashback.

[it reminded me of one halloween eve, when i had invited him out with a friend of mine for the night's festivities.

he was, in effect, my date, however loosely interpreted.

we arrived at one party where he promptly left my side and went outside to make a phone call. when he tried to come back inside, he was accosted by audrey hepburn. he proceeded to hang out with her. for the rest of the night.

to his defense, he did try to talk to me once. in the middle of my conversation with a boy, he said something to the effect of "...meeting hot b*tches" wherein i lost all interest.

the night ended with the bf hugging audrey and me hugging a dark angel.]

thank goodness we are past that these days. barely.

he talked to the birthday boy's sister for the majority of the evening. i didn't mind until i went to look for them and they were sitting at a table. on a single patio. having dinner. alone. with fountains around them. in the effing dark.

then, and only then, did i want to scratch her eyes out.

i don't get it. it's clear when i invite him to things that i want him to be there as my bf.

some evenings it just doesn't feel like he is.

elum

i can't sleep.

i am wired at night, and my mind spins.

the bf and i had a long weekend of family.

his sister from dc.
his parents from duluth.

i was conveniently spared from searching for a dress for the bride-to-be. i breathed a sigh of relief that i didn't have to sit through the oohing and ahhing this time. but i love dress shopping, and i would have smiled through the pain. grinned through the grimace. luckily, she chose and purchased a dress swiftly and surely.

i did go with her to peruse invitations again. i heart paper. it was lovely to spend time with her. she asked me what kind of ring i wanted. she asked me what kind of dress i wanted. it was nice to have someone be interested in my wedding. the one that's off in the distance and lives in my hopes.

this just isn't our time. not my time. and i am slowly getting used to it.

kvetch

i don't want to be with a malcontent.

i seem to be ebbing versus flowing these days.

when i wonder outside of myself i realize that i am truly happy. heart-settled.

as i step back and see the big picture i know that i am there. i am where i want to be.

i again blame the curse of the capricorns in my constant search of the next. big. thing. it is my burden to carry, this need for motion. to be moving. and not just moving, not just flowing, but climbing. reaching.

and falling short because as soon as i reach it, there is something else.

what is that? purpose. ambition. desire. all of those things and more. i am the steady goat who is quite unsteady in emotion. i suppose that is why so many capricorn personalities are deemed unemotional and cold. because feelings just get in the way of that upward motion you crave.

because i straddle the sagittarius side of things, i am also emotional. the bf got two worlds as well, when he came into life on the left side of scorpio and the right side of sagittarius. but he gets to be emotional and intense. on the other hand, i am "practical" and emotional. somewhat of a contradiction in definition. we live as a realist and an idealist colliding with heart.

i want to be content. to see things as they are, for what is. to take it all in. to burst at the seams because really, my life is pretty wonderful.

classic bf

the bf's new voicemail message:

"hello? who's there, i'm talkin? hello? who is this? baxter... is that you? baxter! bark twice if your in milwaukee... is this wilt chamberlain? have the courage to say something! hello?!"

taken from anchorman.

and totally my idea.

ott

i am exhausted today.

i woke up absurdly early and stumbled into work. quite chipper for 6:19a despite the lukewarm shower and frantic ihavenothingtowear itis.

if you know me you would know that i dislike getting up early. especially for work.

but i found myself merrily working through the day until the dreaded hours of 2p and 4p.

at that time my brain stopped working and i drove home.

after calling my friend to see if i could move our meeting time up (with no call back i figured the answer was no), i collapsed in the fetal position.

and woke up half an hour later, grumpier than ever.

but it's okay, i am only slightly annoyed and i am meeting the lovely d for dinner at town talk diner.

i am craving a cheeseburger and fries.

and some good company.

that will do just fine.

pops

had a picnic date on sunday.

two couples.

two bottles of white wine. a viognier and a white zinfandel.

gouda. aged four to six years.

green grapes. wheat crackers with olive tapanade.

summer sausage.

lake harriet bandshell: minnesota pops orchestra.

it was beautiful. weather, conversation, et al.

good morning

sometimes when the bf and i do it i want to shout like ron burgundy on anchorman:

veronica corningstone and i had sex and now we are in love!

it's a great way to start your day!

cue jingle. and i just got some dance.

triska

triskaidekaphobia \tris-ky-dek-uh-FOH-bee-uh\, noun:

a morbid fear of the number 13 or the date friday the 13th.

on any other day, comedic.

on this day, tragic.

happy friday the 13th, triskaidekaphobes and non.

thx

thank you for your thoughts.

i would tell you why i've been so down.

but i am unable to let it out.

it's family, and that's more than just me.

so i'll just share if i'm able.

i know you'll understand.

yet

i've been on the verge of crying my brains out all day.

despite the relatively sedate workload.

and the positivity of the workplace.

and the loving bf.

the other night i whispered:

babe, will you love me forever?

yes.

life is beautiful. and not nearly long enough.

thought

sometimes i wonder if...

we believe in our love enough.

prince

i lucked out tonight.

e took me to see prince.

and i fell madly in love.

he is breathtakingly amazing.

i have absolutely no words.

hi

sorry about the mia.

the lovely maurey has tagged me again.

8 things about me:

* i love a made bed. with extra pillows. and shams.

* i feel guilty when i throw paper away. even gum wrappers.

* i have a thing for chairs, anything soft, and the bf.

* i haven't been sleeping very well lately. i think my allergies are acting up. congested all over.

* i carry all my stress in my shoulders.

* my feet are horrendous-looking right now. i desperately need a pedi.

* there's nothing like running through a sprinkler on a hot day.

* i just had to go back and count how many things i had already written. mathlete i am not.

you're it!

sorry for the short and bunk post. i promise i will be better soon.

have a wonderful weekend. i'm off to mankato to visit the bro.

31

i just called my 'rents to wish them a happy anniversary.

i called my dad.

happy anniversary!

thank you!

thirty one years! you are such a good actor!

they are in boston visiting the rest of the family this week.

i'm sure they will relive memories of my dad running for miles to see her. of how he used to run through the gardens and pick a rose just for her. of taking her out for banana splits. and holding hands.

my parents make me smile. and believe in true love. the forever kind.

much love to my 'rents, two wild and crazy kids.

full

for some reason, i had on my calendar that the full moon would be on saturday, june 30.

significant to me because it would be the only full moon in capricorn this year.

but the moon glow did not reach me that evening.

after what i had thought was a great day with the bf, save that we whiled most of it away napping and watching crappy what about brian reruns, it all culminated into a heated discussion about our current state of affairs.

heavy sighs. stifled swallows. thumping hearts.

i was sad to hear it all. i was glad to hear it all.

the bf rarely has issues with me, but when he does it is usually valid. this time i am not so sure if the stresses he has felt were entirely inflicted by me. regardless, we tried to talk it through.

definitely not my strong point. my pride rarely allows for such occurrences of talking candidly about feelings. with the bf. but i resolved not to close up and check out.

it is difficult when the one person you love most in this world feels like he falls short. it is harder still when he thinks you are the one who put him there. you want to reach down and breathe the spirit back in, to hold him and remind him that he means everything to you, that he is everything to you.

i tried. i hope he believes it. i'll keep trying.

relax

i feel great today.

a brief recap of last night:

i went to a "spa" in "eagan" (read: the bf's former manager gave him a spa gift certificate and he graciously re-gifted to me). i made an appointment and told them in advance that i would be paying partially with a gift card.

24-hour cancellation policy aside (come on, people have lives here, things change), i was looking forward to a nice relaxation massage.

So, i went in and received a lovely treatment from ramona.
Only, when i went to pay for it all, they told me of their
Lovely new policy: all gift certificates purchased expire one year after the purchase date. sorry!
In complete disbelief, but still smiling from the side effects of my relaxation halo,
My credit card covered the $94 massage plus a $20 tip.
As I forked over my money, she told me that in august that policy will be illegal, and henceforth, all gift cards will never expire. good news! oh...
Read my lips, honey. you will not be seeing my face (circle hand around face for emphasis) here again.

but i'll tell you what. that grin never left my face.*

*immediately after i left the spa, i called the bf. still riding high from my massage, i could only giggle about it. what could possibly be wrong with paying $94 for a massage when a $45 massage from aveda would suffice? when i feel this great?

the bf, however, was not amused**. he called the spa and they refunded my charge on the spot.

my hero.

**perhaps he needs a massage now.

king bing

last night we visited the bf's neighborhood market.

and he gave us one of these to try:



i wasn't very hopeful. but now i can't get them out of my mind.

it's like a cherry airhead surrounded by chocolate and crushed peanuts. it doesn't sound very good, yet i am strangely attracted to it.

i need one. now.

g & c

the bf is a sucker for little girls.

he is uncle to one boy and one girl.

before the girl came along, the bf would wrestle and play trucks with the boy until everyone got tired of watching.

along came the girl, and the bf was sold.

but she is not as easy. she takes time to warm up. she is bossy. and loud.

and boy, does she make you work hard for it.

the bf has taken to calling her tantrum.

and it suits her just fine.

i get a warm feeling in my tummy when i see the bf rolling around with his nephew and niece. and when grandpa t rocks and sings made-up lullabies about tractors and four-wheelers. when niece finally works up the courage to hug the bf. my heart does cartwheels.

because i want it to be our kids.