Monday, April 30, 2007


to my dear reader in sweden:

i think you will be proud to learn that since this post, i have reconsidered.

i held a baby in my arms and fell. hard.

i know that i am not completely ready. i mean hello, i am still immature and selfish. my priorities are out of whack and i can barely get a hold of, much less take care of, myself. but i know that when the time comes, i will look forward to having my own. someday.

don't get me wrong - the thought of giving birth and breastfeeding still scare the living daylights out of me. however, the benefits far outweigh any petty fears that i may have.

i will hold on to the fantasy that i will be a hot mama. i will wear babydoll dresses. i will refrain from wine and sing oldies to my belly. i will bring eyeliner, mascara, and lip gloss to the hospital so the baby will see that it has a pretty mommy. i want to name her simone or him vincent and delight in every new thing.

that's it. i just wanted you to know. thank you for having some faith and sticking with me.

maybe there's hope for me after all.

many thanks,

Sunday, April 29, 2007


my goodness.

the weather was dreamy this weekend.

friday night i made the bf my special gyoza. for dessert we had strawberries with sugar. after the sentinel we called it a night. early.

saturday morning we had breakfast. we biked around calhoun on his deuce. stopped at barbette for amazing fries.

at night special and i went to bar lurcat for some royal cocktails. then to the local for vodka tonics and boys. well, vodka tonics for me and boys for her. or was it?

rolled my eyes when i heard "kristen with a k?"


never made it to the chambers as planned. we did, however, make it to the mcdonald's drivethru on hennepin. what night would be complete without witnessing a college boy pee on a sign in front of window two, then proceed to eat a burger with his hands, and feed some to a girl.animals.

sunday i worked at the shop. resolved once and for all to retire.

a good weekend, my dears, a good weekend.

Friday, April 27, 2007


miss maurey pierce asked me:

1) your blog is almost poetic in nature, which is one reason i love reading it. what inspired you to become a blogger? what keeps you posting? do you have a background in writing?

my mom gave me my first journal was i was eight. i promptly wrote all my top secret thoughts in it: "we went to the zoo today all day and then i was tired so i went to sleep." i still have notes for the book i wanted to write, a sophie's guide to life. laughable, but ambitious. i keep on because this is one of my creative outlets. because i love the feeling of hitting 'publish' and getting it out there. releasing my heart. connecting with strangers.

2) iran called up w tomorrow and said that "the bomb" was on its way to our midwestern homes, what would you serve up for dinner? and who would you invite to share in the feast?

three wise guys sushi from bagu. the best pinot noir ever. my mom's beef and tomato stir fry. tamales from el meson. my gyoza. hazelnut chocolate torte from zeno. broders butternut squash ravioli. lemon icebox cake from salut. water with no ice for the bf. my family and close friends. i would also extend an invitation to bob dylan, madonna, and jd salinger.

3) would you rather ... be thin and gorgeous forever or very, very rich?

like...if i were thin and gorgeous forever i would be immortal? okay.

4) you spend a lot of time on your blog talking about your relationship with the bf. how did you meet? what's a favorite memory you have about your time together?

oh, you noticed? wink. see this for our story. we met at the banana republic at the mall of america. romantical, yes?

i remember when we were in cabo, laughing and screaming while he ran from the ocean. priceless. also, everytime he takes off his pants and shows his chicken legs stuffed into loose black socks.

5) finally ... your boss just gave you an unexpected gift—a four-day weekend. how do you spend it? what do you do first?

with the bf (surprise!) on a beach somewhere. sexing it up. a lot. i won't lie to you. a lot. thanks, boss!

if you want me to ask you questions...please ask.


last night i went to flowers after hours.

it was a benefit for the mia, art in bloom.

local florists interpret their favorite works in fresh arrangements.

i love the mia, so it was a treat just to go there.

n and i walked around, did a quick run through the modern art gallery, and


we hit the bar. prosecco. pear vodka. pear juice.

three kinds of white wine.

the better to not stain the art with.

because i dislike most white wines, with few exceptions*, i opted for the pear cocktail.

sparkly. light. good choice.

we made friends with jodi, a florist who did an interpretation of the well-known starburst piece.

i had a great time. with my little n and company.

*the bf and i had gewurztraminer in sonoma - and fell in love - so sweet and desserty.

Thursday, April 26, 2007


my first stab* at guesses for where the bf will take me:

[after a quick google search of "may 4 weekend in minneapolis"]

star trek convention at the marriott

kare 11's 'rock the cure'

the midwest lindyfest in stillwater (i learned a new phrase: lindy hop)

that's all i got so far.

*past the obvious: my 'rents, his 'rents, the movies.


the bf told me to keep may 4 through may 6 open.

i don't know what that means, but we have plans for the evening of may 6.

it's a hush hush surprise.

he already told me that my persistent questions will fall on deaf's ears. which really doesn't stop me from asking.

it seems like every month, when i ask him if i need to take any days off in the following month, he replies with a blank stare. as if i am just asking the question to force him to think about plans in advance. as if i have nothing better to do than check with him in regards to my social life. as if!

every month, the bf says, "i don't think so."

and almost every month, the bf will say, "hey, can you take 0.00.00 off?"

hey princess, remember when i asked you if i needed to take any time off and you said you didn't think so? i actually believed you.

it's not his fault that his life works unplanned.

long story short, i have decided to retire from working at the shop. the extra cash would be nice if i didn't spend it ten times over at the very shop that pays me to work. i will perhaps volunteer for the holidays, but i want my weekends back.

free weekends! can you imagine?

Wednesday, April 25, 2007


this morning,

one of my favorites at work left a blue note for me:

sophie: you are a wonderful person with a great spirit. it has been great to work with you. thank you for the laughter and my hugs. all you want in your life is on the way - god prepares us before he gives it to us. take care. be patient. sophie your hugs helped so much on days when working was crazy. i will forever be thankful for that. much love. be blessed. brenda

as i read the words again tears fill my eyes.

i know i will see her again. i know she will be part of my life.

i love her too much for her not to be.

on her way out, she told me:

"i will be in touch. you better call me when you are getting married."

[sad eyes]


i never told you how i felt.

you remembered the pizza toppings i like (green peppers and black olives).

you tried to impress me with bobino (it worked) and loved that i was up for mayslacks.

you always ordered my drink for me (ketel tonic).

you called me a head turner.

you whispered 'you are gorgeous' when i was feeling my most vulnerable.

one night.

you fell asleep.

i was reading.

you woke up. you looked at me and mumbled:

"i like you."




my heart raced. you held me to you before rolling over.

i never told you.

but i liked you, too.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007


i think i discovered my special purpose:


last night i went on a walk with a.

it was a quick one, around lake of the isles. but it was exactly what i needed. a good walk with a great friend.

afterwards, the bf and i went to broders.

our place.

dinner was delightful. tried and true tagliatelle bolognese. a carafe of red wine. bread and olive oil.

the bf drinks more since we started dating. i liked it when he was my boy who never drank. no matter what. i loved that he would order cranberry and soda at a bar. he was my sober boy, the good one who never got sloppy. who takes care of me in my frequent cases of sloppiness. he was mine that way, and i loved it.

i still like that everytime i make a comment about how i have a bigger butt than he does or how we will have to break up if i am ever wider than he is, he responds with the same line: if you were bigger than me i would be able to fit into your jeans. or some variant thereof, such as "can you wear my jeans?" or "then you would be able to wear my jeans without them falling off."

the other night i asked him if he wanted to have babies with me. he said, i think so. he was worried that our parenting goals would be different. i said, why? because you want them to be smart and successful and i want them to be cute and popular?

this morning we wrestled. well, i tried to wrestle with him while he defended himself. i daresay i won.

Monday, April 23, 2007

my bf is a jerk

just kidding.

i look at him and i see what i want my life to be.

Friday, April 20, 2007

classic bf

i love when the bf calls me at work.

i see his number on caller id, and i grin.

and when i answer, "hello? sophie's office."

he always laughs.

Thursday, April 19, 2007


um, yes.

there is a new tiffany ring.

i am still a huge fan of the legacy and the brilliant melee rings, but...

you have got to be kidding.

oh my.

i was at kowalski's on sunday, and i impulsively grabbed instyle weddings.* the girl who was checking me out was all, "oh! are you getting married?"

and i was forced to say, "no." [blush]

bag boy to checkout girl: "i bet you feel stupid."

but she continued to bubble-on, "if you have a boyfriend you could just leave it out as a hint!"

my terse reply: "i am working on it." [unkind stare]

*note to the bf: i have been doing this for years. i'm sorry.


if i hear one more person say:

"poop in a group"

i will freak out.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007



today was a whirlwind!

i am just winding down, and i feel mentally exhausted.

but emotionally buoyant.

in classic bf style, the bf invited me to dinner with his siblings. at the last minute. i went though, and had some of the greatest mu shu pork ever.

i apologized to the bf for being absent lately. we talked it out. i am just starting to get used to spilling my thoughts and knowing that neither of us will run. strange how i transfer my own thoughts of running onto him, even though he has done nothing of the sort. i fear in him most what i fear in myself. that my thoughts of running away somehow make me guilty. that there has to be a reason, that he is driving me away. when really i am doing it all by myself.

i am pretty good at that.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

flat earth


seriously, all i wanted this afternoon was a snack.

so i stopped at target after a work meeting.

i bought the flat earth veggie crisps that i adore.

and when got back to the office, people kept grabbing handfuls and before i knew it, there was a third of it left!

here's the thing: i don't mind sharing.

but get your grubby hands off my snack.

there is something about being hungry people that is such a turn-off.

all i wanted to do was shut myself in my office with my crisps.

if i knew how to fashion a door for my cube, that is.


we made dinner last night.

spinach salad with dried cranberries and walnuts. baby tomatoes. balsamic vinaigrette.

gnocchi baked with butter and romano cheese.

wishing tree shiraz.

and as we sat across from each other, i felt myself letting go.

breathing, and feeling like us again.

we talked. really talked. and it mattered.

if i could just work my way through some things, we will be okay.

i live for nights like that with the bf.

Monday, April 16, 2007


why is it that you are my best friend...

and i still stifle my feelings?

i don't get it.

i wonder if i hold them in because i don't want to make everything an issue.

or maybe i am looking for a reason.

i just can't help feeling like we will never get back to where we were.

and how do we move forward from here?

but just as i can't force us to the beginning, i can't move us to the end.

i don't want to wait in vain. but i want to wait for you.

i hate when i can't control things.

like my life. or your life. or ours.

Saturday, April 14, 2007


last night was fabulous.

first, facials at the refinery.

then, dinner at kafe 421.

live music, and two bottles of white wine, aka patio pounder.

just getting girlie with the girls.

it was the four of us: e, n, s, and me.

we clinked glasses and laughed. mostly.

today my skin feels wonderful and my spirit feels lighter.

thank goodness for girlfriends.

Friday, April 13, 2007


last night the bf took me to the bob dylan exhbit at the weisman.

i love bob dylan.

i made him listen to my favorite dylan song: my back pages

it gives me shivers every time i hear it.

then i took him to pizza nea.

two pizzas: one red (his) one white (hers)

two glasses of wine: sangiovese (his) and pinot noir (hers)

one divine chocolate torte.

the evening was ooh-worthy.


Thursday, April 12, 2007


i have a date* with the bf tonight.

it's a secret.


*i hope i get some.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

old 97s

i asked the bf what he would have said if i would have asked him.

to marry me.

he said, "i don't know."

part of me thinks his answer would not have been yes.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

why me


i woke up early and left my house @ 7:30a.

arrived at toyota dealership @ 7:50a.

appointment to drop my car off in the am and pick up my car after work with clearshield and license plates.

1. no plates
[sidebar: my permit expired on 3.31. i called on 4.05 to follow-up. they still did not have them. they called back on 4.05 to let me know i could pick up my plates anytime after 4p on 4.06. instead, i made the aforementioned appointment. smart girl. smug smile.]

i drove the loaner (a corolla, blech) to work.

arrived at work @ 8:20a.

2. they called to let me know that they found my plates and will put them on. they left a vm, but i did not call them back
[what for? i assumed that was a courtesy call to let me know that i was right and they were wrong. i already knew. i didn't need to gloat.]

had a great day at work. lunch with s. great salad and pasta for under $7! and fabulous conversation. we commiserated about relationships.

drove home @ 6p.

drove to dealership @ 6:30p.

picked up car @ 7p.

reveled in its shine. my car is so pretty! what a lovely day! i am getting so much done!

dinner with special @ beaujo's. lovely. brand new schemes. new patents. big ideas. laughing and acting clueless.

stopped by the bf's @ 9p.

wondered about plates. what are my new numbers and letters? stepped out of car to admire brand new plates.

3. walser plates smiled back at me.
[*&*&#$ SD(*&@(&*# (*@&#(*!)))BG*&T!!)( (*#$^*# !))(^&*$)*]

Monday, April 09, 2007


a peace offering.

i know much is unresolved in my heart.

i dreamt of meeting someone. the one. the one that all the lyrics are about.

and then you happened.

i thought with my heart open, that everything would fall into place.

i am trying to deal with our crossroads. with signs 'what's the hurry' and 'what are we waiting for' pointing in opposite directions. i am reconciling with myself. i am trying to put us ahead of me. for once.

you are worth waiting for. to me.

everything you say to me, i feel for you, a thousand times over. over and over i want to tell you. except when i try to, i feel like i am giving in, and i fear what that means. for me. to be lost in us.

i am sorry. sorry. sorry.

Sunday, April 08, 2007


it hurts me.

but i don't know.

if it's you anymore.

Friday, April 06, 2007


it's going to be a good friday.

mostly because i don't have to work today.

i woke up around 10:30a, no joke.

and then my 'rents called to let me know they are on their way up to minneapolis.

they of complete surprise visits, are going to be here in twenty minutes.

off to lunch at mandarin kitchen. then shopping.

it is their version of lady luncheons. dim sum and the oval room.

i will have to let you know later how the rest of my day unfolds, as nothing i had planned will happen this afternoon.

but isn't that what long weekends are all about, going along with the surprises?

have a happy easter weekend, my darlings.

Thursday, April 05, 2007



last night the bf took me out on a date.

when i arrived at his house, i kept asking where we were going.

a la, "are we going to see the bob dylan exhibit at the weisman? are we going to the brave new workshop? are we going to dinner? are we going to fuddruckers? are we going to the mall? are we going to see blades of glory? are we going to the macaroni grill? are we going to the acme comedy club?"

i can see now how this could potentially be annoying.

first we drove to fudd's. if you knew us, you would not think that this was a typically preferred restaurant, but it is so close that we insist on going there even though we are increasingly disappointed in the food. last night i subsisted mostly on fries, and he mainly had a cookie for dinner. mmm. fudd's.

then we went to southdale, under the guise of buying a trivial pursuit game for his 'rents. i kept telling him it was 9:24p and the shops would be closed. he said, "how much you want to bet that the store we want will be open?" "fifty bucks!" then the bf said, "let's walk through the theatre."

blades of glory.

i didn't get to bed early last night, but it was so worth it. there was one scene that drove me to tears. it had to do with crotch shots, glitter, ice, and spandex. i laughed and cried through the movie and before i knew it the two hours was up.

strongly recommended. if you like will ferrell. and if you like to laugh.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007


dang it.

what's really on my mind today?

the fact that my brothers are ready to tie the knot.*

like, really get married and have babies.

i am happy for them. i really, really am. why wouldn't i be? they are my little brothers.

my little. baby. brothers.


and i will lose them to great women. and they will have babies. and wonderful families.

maybe i am just envious.

[side note: i never know which word to use, envious or jealous. after countless corrections from the bf, i now hesitate before saying anything, which usually results in an emphatic "i am ENvi..JEal...ous!"]

i am envious [or jealous] of the way they both know. the easy way they both seem so ready, so enthustiac to embark on that journey. how it fell so easily into place for them. that the pieces came together and they found it.

maybe they learned from my mistakes. or better yet, maybe they didn't.

*i will admit my first thought: "how could they? before me?!"


i rolled into work this morning.

around 10am.

i feel a little bit faded today.

Monday, April 02, 2007


i'm home.

i know i left without warning.

but i have returned.

we went to yosemite and walked humbled. a dose of outdoors. inhaling fresh air. hiking lightly until my calves felt like cement. thumping hearts. waterfalls. giant sequoias. it was amazing. truly. indescribable. so we stood silent.

we stayed in santa rosa.
had dinner at flavor and breakfast at omelette express. drove through sonoma. stopped at hop kiln. chateau st. jean. hook and ladder. de loach vineyards. de la montanya winery. swirl. sip. sip. sip. laugh.

in healdsburg, we dined at zin. i had tuna and the bf had steak. it was wonderful.

for two mornings in a row, we had breakfast at denny's. moons over my hammy. american meals. best. service. ever.

the bf had his first in-n-out burger. mmm.

i just wanted six days with the bf. and i got five. so my wish came close.