ultrasound

is a scary word. when you are not pregnant and there is no cute baby to see.

when doctors cannot figure out what is wrong with you, and you have to have an ultrasound because they have run tests and supposedly everything is fine.

so you lie on that table, and when they touch you it feels uncomfortable, but when they touch that spot it feels unbearable.

and you know that you have to be there, because throwing up because of the pain is not okay.

you do what they ask of you, nicely, politely, and you tell them that you haven't felt pain like that before.

you pee in that cup, you whimper and feel humbled because you have done it so many times.

and now the ultrasound. because they don't know what's going on. this morning, 7:15am.

you strip down and wear a gown. you bite your lip to keep from crying.

you lay down on the table and keep your heels on while they put jelly on your abdomen and tell you that your uterus is tipped.

they have to use the probe to get different pictures, and this feels like a violation so you try to breathe and think of something else.

it lasts longer than it should. one more minute and you think you might scream. you think of your boyfriend sitting in the waiting room and want him to be near you, to have someone familiar close by.

and afterwards, the radiologist tells you that he spotted something on your right ovary. you freeze.