vows

every sunday, i read the vows column in the new york times.

it's one of my girlie pleasures.

every week, i read about two people finding each other, falling in love, and beginning a life together.

the column gives me hope, makes me believe in happily ever after. despite my baggage, i have vivid dreams that my heart will feel whole.

my baggage. it hurts me to think about. i yearn for the days when i looked love in the eye and wasn't afraid. i wanted it. i wanted more than anything to love someone with my whole heart. with all of myself. and i did. and then a part of my heart broke and i thought i would never feel that way again.

today, i know that what i had was not a good love, but my heart's fabricated version of happiness. i knew better, i knew that nights crying myself to sleep and not wanting that life was not a good thing. but still my heart pressed on. and what i got out of it i didn't recognize until now.

i get to start over. i have been granted a second wish. a chance. another shot at a great love, one that is filled with everything i have ever wanted, everything i never even knew i needed. i could be that girl in the vows column, i could be the girl smiling as if that day will last forever.

and the bf, he makes me believe it could happen to me.